While writing my last post, Love Does Not Die Even When it Should, I realized that part of me will always love my ex husband, a narcissist with Anti Social Personality Disorder. Finally, I understand that I do not need to ‘get to the bottom’ of my love for him, nor do I need to eradicate that love.
I met him when I was eighteen, and our history has created a considerable volume of my personal narrative. I can just agree to leave the love alone. I can accept the love without feeling threatened by it, and move on. Perhaps the part of me that ‘loves’ him originated in my young girl’s heart and that love is frozen in a childlike state where it can discern no evil but only good in the object of its affection.
Whatever the reason, I forgive my child self for loving him, I forgive my woman self for loving him. I don’t need to understand, psychoanalyze or eliminate this love in order to be done with him.
In fact, I’ve spent most of my adult life being done with him. Both times that he revealed himself as a selfish, narcissistic sociopath, I escaped. Once, with a young child in arms, and then again, eighteen months ago.
He has been a trap in my life. I have needed to escape him twice in order to survive and live a healthy life. Although the second time around, he passively aggressively ended the relationship by taking up with another woman, I salvaged my self-respect by making a clean break with him.
I could have hung around and gone in for a third round. He made it clear to me in our last phone call that he still loved me, and dangled the possibility of further or future entanglement . I could have tried to ‘get him back’.
Instead, I broke the connection. I drew my line in the sand. Lucky for me, we live a couple of hours apart. I haven’t gone within seventy miles of him since the ending. I changed my cell phone number and my email address.
I guess what I am saying here is that while we cannot control our feelings all the time, we can control our actions.
I am proud of myself for getting away from him and his narcissistic games and sociopathic mindset. I did the right thing at a very young age (22) to determine that I would not raise a child in his toxic environment and leave.
Yes, he came back and tricked me twenty years later. But, when I found out that he was tricking me, I packed up and left again.
I can promise myself that no matter what residue of feeling I have left for this man, I will not let him into my life a third time to mess me up again.
- The Narcissistic Ex, Part III (psychologytoday.com)
- The Legacy of Distorted Love: Post-Romantic Stress (psychologytoday.com)
- “I LOVE ME!”: A Q&A About Narcissism (psychcentral.com)
- “Fried Green tomatoes…” (lifebegins45.wordpress.com)
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- gotta love this! (lifebegins45.wordpress.com)
- A Focused Recovery: Beginning 2012 with a Completely Different Mind Set (my.psychologytoday.com)