Ending a Relationship With a Pathological Liar


Liar, Liar (song)
Liar, Liar (song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On this blog, I write about my journey of recovery from a man with characteristics of both Narcissisitic and Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Anti Social Personality Disorder, Sociopath, Psychopath. I throw these terms around in my posts as if I knew what I was talking about.

I am not a mental health professional. Anything I write here should not be quoted as  professional opinion.

I am just a woman trying to make sense of what happened to me. I am trying to unravel my relationship with this man, who according to the DSM-IV, has all of the traits of Anti Social Personality Disorder and most of the trait of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

This man is my ex husband. His behavior and lack of responsibility has damaged my life and the life of my family for over twenty-five years. His apparent lack of remorse for his actions is appalling. The secret lives which he has managed to keep hidden from me, from our family, from his employer, from his new girlfriend, are criminal and immoral.

‘If the shoe fits, wear it.’ Well, even though he has not received a diagnosis of Anti Social Personality Disorder, but that diagnosis fits him perfectly.

All of the personality disorders discussed on this blog fall under what the professionals refer to as ‘Cluster B‘ types of personality disorders.

Most if not all people diagnosed with ‘Cluster B’ disorders are pathological liars.

As ‘the proof is in the pudding’ so has my ex husband’s true nature been exposed by  the number, extent, planning and execution of his network of a thousand lies.

I spent the first year after the relationship ended uncovering these lies. Hundreds and hundreds of them. I now realize that his personality is so fake, that I cannot believe a single thing that he ever told me. I realize that I was an enjoyable sexual partner for him, but I cannot trust that he ever cared for me in any other way.

In order to carry on his two sexual relationships and his various illegal activities, the amount of lie which he told to me and to his other girlfriend is staggering.

He is not a person with a soul or a conscience. He is a being who pursues pleasure. When anything or anyone might inhibit his pleasure, he simply lies his way around it or them. His morality is formed around the opinions of his friends, who are also ‘Cluster B’ types. He and his ‘buddies’ are pathological liars and addicts; they are grown men who behave like children in a candy store. Porn, intoxication, loose sex and getting high are their thrills which they pursue daily.

Knowing that these thrills are unacceptable to their wives and girlfriends, they lie about them.

Once I was able to unravel all of his lie to me during our thirty month ‘reunion’ I could see how he didn’t exist a a person. He is nothing besides whatever urge he is fulfilling at the moment.

Namaste,

Ixchel

21 thoughts on “Ending a Relationship With a Pathological Liar

  1. Wow…..I think I’m dating your ex’s twin…where do these people come from….and why…….so tired of the lies and BS…

  2. I especially know the feeling of “I’m just a woman trying to make sense of “what happened to me”……in this entire relationship….I have lost who I am….for a person who has no conscience…..for his actions……what I really …really need….is for my heart to catch up with my brain……

    1. Heather,

      “I have lost who I am”. This is exactly how it feels, how I felt. I still feel this way and it has been two and a half years since I ended the relationship. Like stumbling into a huge patch of fog. I feel that I am getting my bearings again, and I’m no longer lost, but I am not the same person. I have lost something integral to who I used to be.

      Namaste,
      Ixchel

      1. With respect to how to deal with these people, I have read some experts say that you need to treat them like petulant 5 year olds. That may be true. However beyond how to deal with them is also how to make sense of them and their behaviour. My advice is to treat them like someone with a more recognisable mental health issue, such as someone clearly intellectually disabled. If one of these people sat next to you on a bus and started talking away and maybe annoying you, would you get angry or aggressive with this person? Would you perhaps yell at the person. Of course not and you need to think of someone with narcisistic personality disorder similarly. They have a skewed logic, a distorted view of self and simply operate on a parallel universe to the rest of us. It will never make sense and you will never make them see what they are doing.

        1. I think u nailed it…..I sit back at this point…..and just watch…..and wait..like an “outsider”, with a man who I am in In love with….when things are going “good”……I wait for the next fall……its a never ending vicious cycle….logic tells me to run like hell….but my heart hasn’t caught up with that simple notion yet ……I do not like him as a person…..but I am in love with him ….like no other before…..HOW CAN THAT BE????…..I mean really…I just sit back….and wait for the ball to drop….the games…the lying….the constant manipulation…the lies to cover lies…the half truths of situations….AND NO SENSE OF GUILT OR REMORSE…..or even sorrow….just lies….but it’s all normal to him….which is why he feels no empathy….for all the BS…I’m so toted inside…..I use to get angry….and stand up for myself….for his behavior ….which is inexcusable ….but 100 percent of the time….it made the situation worse….so now I just live in denial…..and take the good times when they come…..I HAVE LOST MYSELF IN THIS FALLICY OF A RELATIONSHIP….all of my self worth…..but little does he know…..I am finding myself again….silently….secretly….right along aside him….AND HE WILL ONE DAY WAKE UP ALONE……to his own surprise…..peace and love….

  3. One theory I have for NPD and lying comes from my ex-wife. I believe that her lying stems from a heightened sense of self and essentially she “got off on it”. It gives her a sense that she can pull the wool over everyone’s eyes and particularly mine and she enjoys it. It makes her think that she is more intelligent, clever, etc. When caught out she then goes to the classic NPD rage. With her sense of entitlement, how dare I as a mere mortal question her. End result is that you just learn to wear it and not question anything, even though you know they are lying. Maybe this is in the literature but I have not seen it before.

    1. Michael,
      That’s an interesting idea- that her lying comes from a heightened sense of self. I’ve never heard that before. From my experience of my ex husband, that’s certainly possible. It may be an interesting idea to pursue through writing.
      Namaste,
      Ixchel

    2. Wow……reading what u wrote….I would think I was writing it…..too a tee….everything u stated…..all the way down to the rage…when called out on certain behaviors …situations….he always deflects the situation….”BACK TO ME”….,he thinks I’m weak, because I don’t fight back anymore….but my strength is gaining everyday….I am not crazy…”he loves to make me feel that” about myself….I am just sitting back…..absorbing all the BS…..and waitng for him to bury himself in his own lies and pathetic sense of self worth…..and the day that I will leave his pathetic ass…..and gain my self respect back!!!!!….it’s happening everyday….slowly but surely….so I let him think he’s “pulling the wool over”…all the time …..it gives him that control…..:)….do he keeps thinking….

        1. To anyone not sure about leaving, you simply have to and the sooner the better. These people will never get better. They don’t want to. I believe some people are capable of change, but you have to want to and you have to recognize that there’s a problem. To them there is no problem. When you start to get your sense of self back, you will feel less stressed and be much happier.

          1. You are correct, Michael.
            These people will never change. It takes a long time to understand that when you think that you are in love with one of them.
            I realize now that all I ever loved was an illusion.
            Namaste,
            Ixchel

            1. As sad as it is…..when in a relationship with a “N”….:you can never really truly be you…..you compromise your entire being….out of hope….blind faith…denial…love…the list goes on and on…..u wake up one day….and wonder “where u went”……where did the person I use to be go…..what happened to her/him….u feel it happening…the entire time ….when you deny the truth of the situation/relationship with a true” N”…..here is what I have found to work for me…and I say that VERY LIGHTLY…..”because it NEVER truly works”….,,TREAT THEM LIKE A CHILD!!!!…like a five year old…..,which equals>>love them unconditionally without question….or fault…they know who they are….and the pain and mental torture they inflict on those closest to them…they know what they are doing…..they will never…EVER show it to outsiders….SO YOU APPEAR CRAZY ALL THE TIME…..to everyone on the outside….N’s are very …VERY good at that….never ever lose your sense of self….they will try and break you down….to them it’s a game of conquest….ALWAYS STAY STRONG…..despite the hurt inside….peace and love

              1. I am not completely convinced that they do know what they are doing. It may depend on how deep their narcisism is. Mine I believe truly thinks that her behaviour was acceptable. She is incapable of seeing anyone beyond herself. My main piece of advice to anyone in this situation is that their conquest is over you while you are with them. When you finally get out, you do start to slowly, piece by piece put your life together again. The wedges that they placed between you and your family, friends, workmates, etc start to be removed and good friends etc will openly welcome you back into their lives. In my case everyone saw through her and knew what was going on. The term wedge is even one that she used in relation to two of my family members that she decided were spending too much time together. To quote her “I think I need to put a wedge between them.” It is very deliberate but they see nothing wrong with that behaviour. It is their concept of normality.

  4. Love is an interesting term in relation to these people. They love themselves but have no ability to love anyone else.They might talk about it but in reality have no concept of loving another person. As for it being an illusion, absolutely but a very deliberate one. These people are highly skilled at creating these illusions and are extremely experienced at lying. It would even be interesting to have them sit a lie detector test, as I believe they may even pass it. I suspect that they truly believe their lies.

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