Category Archives: Healing After Relationship with a Narcissist

Regaining Lost Ground


Phoenix 2.0
Phoenix 2.0 (Photo credit: Jon_Tucker)

It has been a long time since I have written about my experience of recovery after a relationship with a narcissist.

My last entry of May 19, 2013 is, ‘What I Lost‘. After I wrote this post, which details hitting the bottom of my loss, something interesting began to happen to me. I transcended the experience and all the chaff fell away from me. In retrospect, it felt as if the proverbial scales fell from my eyes. Once reaching the bottom, and taking inventory of the emotional toll, I was able to rebuild.

This man, who had dominated many years of my adult life, has ceased to matter. I saw that his love for me had been a fraud from the beginning, and so the loss of it no longer mattered.

Instead of feeling that I’d lost my true love, I recognize that I lost precious time and energy. The relationship also cost me a great deal of money.

The silver lining in the ending of this relationship was that I live one hundred miles away from this man. I have been able to keep my promise to myself in this regard. I urge all my readers struggling after the breakup of a relationship with a narcissist, sociopath, etc., to practice the fine art of “No-Contact”.  It is the best and fastest way to heal from a relationship a person who lacks empathy.

Namaste,

Ixchel

What I Lost


English: This is the title screen from the ABC...
English: This is the title screen from the ABC series Lost. Español: Este es el título principal de la serie Lost. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thirty months have passed since I ended a  relationship with a pathological liar with sociopath tendencies. For the most part, I am far removed from the relationship now. I can go a few days in a row without thinking about it. I remember when it was impossible to even get through a minute without thinking about it, back in the first few weeks, and of training myself to not think about him or his betrayal for five minutes, then an hour at a time. It took a long time and a lot of slow painful, draining emotional work. It has taken its toll on my spirit.

I think back upon that time as a traumatic event in my life from which I am still recovering. The term ‘soul damage’ repeatedly comes to mind. I am finding that similar to most traumatic events, I get triggered into thinking about it again when certain things happen in my current life. Last week, the sudden death of a friend triggered the feelings of trauma. I began to feel re- traumatized and began reliving parts of it again. The feeling of initial shock, of denial, that it was happening.

In reviewing the event this past week, I realized that the experience had made me aware, thirty months into the future, of things, mostly within myself, which I had lost through living through his betrayal. These are all things which I possessed prior to hearing from him back in 2007. Some of these things I have partially recovered and others I am still working on. Some just are gone from me, and I don’t know how to go about getting them back:

What I Lost

Self Esteem

Faith in Life

Sense of Direction

Hope for the Future

Belief in Love

Belief in my worthiness

Belief in my dreams

Faith in my Intuition

Faith in myself

Ability to Trust Intimately

Sense of Worth

Beauty

Youth

Health Physique

Sense of Personal Power

Belief that I was special

Belief in my Sexuality

Faith in following my heart

Sobriety

Peace of Mind.

Belief in Soul Mates.

The magical feeling that my life had come full circle.

Belief in sexual partnership/sexual union between two people as being meaningful

Sense of self

Feelings of magic and wonder in the world

Sense of having my feet solidly on the ground.

Faith  in myself to make the right decisions.

Namaste,

Ixchel

Raising a Child When Your Ex Has Cluster B


Many of my readers have asked for advice on what to do when the mother or father of their children is Cluster B. I wish I knew how to answer this question.

I’m very sorry to say that I don’t have an answer. I have one very close friend in this predicament with a school age child, and know other people who have struggled with this situation.

I consider myself lucky in that many years ago, when I was twenty two years old, I realized that my husband was severely screwed up. I took the baby and I left. I did not give him a forwarding address but wrote to him telling him to contact me through my father when and if he got his shit together.  I heard from him once, a couple months after I left. I had moved to another state. This was before the days of the internet and I felt safe and secure that he would not be able to find me. I did not have my name on a lease, nor did I have a telephone number listed. My father forwarded me the letter from my husband. In it, he threatened legal action against me for having taken our child out of state without his permission. As he was up to his ears in dealing drugs, I ignored the letter, as I knew that he would not contact the police.

I did not hear from him again for eighteen years. Many people insisted that I was foolish for not ‘going after’ child support from him. A couple of these were state workers at the welfare office. I figured out that I could get the state health insurance for my daughter and myself and also food stamps without involving my husband. But these well meaning social workers insisted that I needed to get the child support. I did not understand why people wanted me to get child support from a drug dealer as that would instantly give him knowledge of our whereabouts. It was the best decision I have ever made, to leave, take the baby and not seek child support.

So I guess that is the best advice which I can give. If there is any way to cut the person out of your child’s life, do so. If you can sign away child support in exchange for no visitation, and you can afford to live without it, then do it. My daughter and I lived on fumes for years. Lentil soup and oatmeal. No car. We took the bus everywhere. Of course it was very hard. I was able to do it because I was in my twenties and physically very fit. Not everyone could live the way we lived in order to go without child support. Now, in my forties, I do not have that kind of energy.

Eventually we moved to the other side of the country. I continued to get food stamps and medical assistance but to never apply for welfare. I told my daughter what I believed was the truth: that her father was a drug addict and that’s why I had left him and why we did not see him. I did not know at the time that underneath the drugs was the darker side of his personality disorder.

The only positive aspect of my story is that my daughter was able to meet her father when she was an adult and form her own opinion of him based on his actions during the three years he was recently involved in our lives. She has decided, after this trial run, to not include him in her life, based on his actions, deception, lies, lifestyle, choice of activities and associates.

I am proud that she was not subjected to his manipulative personality disorder so that he did not have a chance to warp her emotionally.

My heart goes out to all of you who have children with a Cluster B type, and I hope that you are able to make the best possible outcome in the situation.

Namaste,

Ixchel

The Path To Peace-Recovery From Psychopathic Manipulation and Abuse


This AMAZING post has been republished with permission from the author of the Facebook page, “The Path to Peace- Recovery From Psychotic Manipulation and Abuse” (http://www.facebook.com/hercules48).

Enjoy,

Ixchel

“I have something weighing heavily on my heart…two things really…Recovery is lost when we continue to see the pathological as having had any “humane” or “human” hearted qualities that involve anything more than what a predator is or does, throughout the relationship. Please pay attention to this:

He/she was, is and forever WILL BE incapable of loving you. Whatever you shared between you WAS NOT REAL. What you felt was real, whatever he/she told you, did, said, was, WAS ALL A LIE, A FACADE, A MANIPULATION, A MIND FUCK. In order to heal, you MUST understand this with your ENTIRE BEING. You MUST find a way to accept this and write it ALL OVER THE CORNERS OF YOUR MIND AND YOUR SOUL. If it was anything you perceived as sincere or kind, that was MANIPULATION. If you perceived their blame, projection, abuse as having ANYTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH ANYTHING YOU SAID OR DID, IT IS A LIE. This IS what they want you to do. THEY WANT YOU TO ACCEPT SHAME AND BLAME. ANd it’s so much easier to do that, than it is to accept that this “person” FAKED an entire relationship with you to get what they wanted out of you. THAT IS ALL. NOTHING MORE.

In taking inventory of my part in my relationship with my ex, the SECOND I projected, attributed ANY scene between us, any “emotion” i perceived he was feeling, as some sort of “soul” connection, even in a sick and twisted way, I FORFEITED MY TRUE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK AT ME AND JUST INVITED THE BASTARD BACK INTO MY WORLD AND ACCEPTED HIS SHAME…AGAIN!

True inventory looks something like this: “I reacted to my abuser this way because______.” and/or, “I was prey for my predatory abuser because it was familiar”…
“What were the red flags about my ABUSER that I missed?”
“I stayed in the relationship because I had NO self esteem, NO boundaries, etc”.

WHAT about any of that, has ANYTHING to do with HIM, other than that I was PREY? When you continue to humanize your ex and the relationship, you are still hanging onto a non existent fantasy in your head. These people are not capable of ONE OUNCE OF AUTHENTIC, GENUINE EXCHANGE OR LOVE. IT WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU AND IT ISN’T NOW, but YOUR HEALING AND WHY, WHY, WHY you were there and WHY you stayed ARE.

The longer you hang onto a sentence, an emotion, an act of what you perceive as sincerity or love for you, or some “connection” shared, you will NOT heal from this. It’s a guarantee. Absolutely.

I realize how incredibly difficult, and probably the most challenging of all, it is to understand, accept and FULLY INTEGRATE that whatever exchanges you had, WERE NOT SHARED BY THIS PERSON. EVER. It was a GAME to them. Whatever PERCEIVED SUFFERING out of them was MANIPULATION. These people are EXCELLENT at the pity party. This is DRAMA they created and DRAMA you keep moving through your head like a Hollywood screen play. STOP. THE. DRAMA.

You shared nothing but a pathological bond. That’s it. A TRAUMA BOND. I think I need to put the trauma bond signs up again. The SICKNESS in us, is our PARTICIPATION (but WHY) and that when we are out, we LONG for it. We reminisce in a way that makes them somehow HUMAN. If our connection to them was not going to be a soul mate status in love, it will be a soul mate status in sickness? do you SEE how unhealthy that is??

Here is what is helping me tremendously: While I call him my ex while speaking on here, in my head, this man is MY ABUSER. HE IS MY EX PSYCHOPATH. HE USED ME. HURT ME. MANIPULATED AND MIND FUCKED ME. WHAT AM I “LONGING” FOR? MORE PAIN? WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM? WHY DO I THINK I WANT MY ABUSER BACK? WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS CLEARLY MENTALLY ILL AND RISK MY LIFE, MY HEART, MY FINANCES, MY GENITALIA TO A PSYCHOPATH?

THAT IS WHAT IT REALLY WAS!!!

I understand how badly you want to hang onto one glimmer of ANYTHING that remotely resembles a ‘soul” connection to the predator, but that isn’t possible. It never was. People who are capable of love, care and kindness, do not do what these people do. This is part of the SLIME you are left with and what they HOPE you take with you…this belief that even one second in the relationship meant a damned thing. IT DIDN’T. IT DID NOT.

I know how excrutiating this is. I understand what a deep and traumatizing wound it is, but unless you LET GO OF THIS FANTASY OF SOUL CONNECTION, GOOD OR BAD< YOU WILL NOT HEAL. And you won’t get to the truth of your part in it.

We were exploited. There wasn’t anything about any of us, and our abusers that didn’t SPELL EXPLOITATION for them. NOTHING.

Sincerity, love, hope, caring, passion, predictability, kindness, compassion, all of those BEAUTIFUL things in a relationship, WERE NEVER THERE WITH THEM.

Haven’t you all experienced what Natalie Lu from Baggage Reclaim calls the “reset button” out of these people? You have an argument and they come back five minutes, hours or days later and pretend nothing ever happened? that EXACT thing also occurred with any “GOOD” stuff your perceiving. Most of you are out of the relationship now and while some of you are still longing, some of you moving toward the part where you are purging your own piece of this crazy assed puzzle, THEY HAVE MOVED ON AS IF YOU DON”T EXIST. They remember NOTHING of what you “shared” GOOD OR BAD. It is as if you NEVER HAPPENED. NORMAL PEOPLE DON”T DO THAT and this is why you struggle so much. You are projecting your OWN FEELINGS and PERCEPTIONS onto this person of words, scenes that happened during the relationship that meant NOTHING to them. Please work hard on this. Replace words of connection, good or bad with REALITY. When you can really do this, you will see that every single thing they ever said, did or acted upon was for the sole purpose of EXPLOITING you. NOTHING MORE.

When you can do this, you will be in a place to look at your part in it realistically, without the shame, the massive amounts of unnecessary guilt, blame, self sabotage and incrimination. do not take on what was NOT yours. Do not ACCEPT what was not YOURS to accept in the first place. Do not ROMANTICIZE them in the slightest. GOOD OR BAD.

My ex is an abusive psychopath. A predator. A reptilian BRAIN. A snake. My ex abusive psychopath, USED, MANIPULATED, EXPLOITED, LIED TO ME, MIND FUCKED ME, CHEATED ON ME AND GAVE ME AN STD.

THAT was the reality as far as he is concerned.

Here’s mine now: What on earth made me prey for a predator? Why was I attracted to an abuser? What in my life, in my past, needs healing, BADLY? Why didn’t I have boundaries? Why didn’t i have self esteem? Why did I IGNORE the red flags? Was this familiar to me? If so, WHY? How can I make sure that this NEVER, EVER happens to me again? And so on….

I’m being repetitive here. This is so important to recovery and is a pivotal point in it, because the closer you REALLY GET to pulling up YOUR CRAP is when your brain is going to want to mosey on back to your ABUSER and romanticize it all….
You see part of recognizing your darkness is to understand why it was there in the first place. Whatever went on in the relationship, was manifesting that darkness inside of you. Ironically, this has NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM AT ALL. This will happen with each and every human being that has the GREATEST MISFORTUNE OF CROSSING THEIR PATH. They will play out the pathological crazy assed mind fuck with EVERY single victim.

You will not. Whatever you did in the relationship, from lying, to reacting, to sexual deviancy, to physically abusing back,…whatever you did in the relationship in response to the bond, you MUST FORGIVE YOURSELF. YOU MUST understand that while you were “there” in the physical sense, that when you are in a pathological, very sick relationship with a very sick human being, there is NO WAY you are not going to become sick IN IT. THe gift lies in being OUT OF IT. The gift is that you have empathy. The gift is that you no longer have to do any of those things that you did in the relationship. You must look at this REALISTICALLY so you can heal. Even if there are pieces of the “darkness” left in you after this, give yourself A BREAK and some TIME to deal with it. Whatever you did in the relationship is not because you are a bad person. It’s because you were WITH a very bad person. This distinction MUST be made so you can look at your stuff without the temptation of moving into drama mode about them and that somehow this was YOUR doing. We ALL make mistakes, and as long as we are here we will continue too. We are human beings, IMPERFECT. But the difference is that we LEARN from it, GROW from it, GAIN INSIGHT FROM IT AND NEVER LET IT OR WANT IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN.

Please think about this. Turn the drama and fantasy on its head…so let’s start with a little honesty and reality shall we? …

My ex was an abusive psychopath, narc, sociopath…..

Onward and upward….”

The Allure of the Cluster B Mindfuck


Humpty Dumpty, shown as a riddle with answer, ...
Humpty Dumpty, shown as a riddle with answer, in a 1902 Mother Goose story book by William Wallace Denslow (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Twenty months after my relationship with a man with both Narcissistic and Anti Social Personality disorders ended, I’m still trying to put reality back together again.

I feel like Humpty Dumpty after the fall. The moment that my lover’s lies began to unravel, gaining speed exponentially, I fell from my wall of delusion. Then, I spent over a year lying on the ground in a condition I can only describe as emotional paralysis. Next I staggered around, trying to make sense of what had happened to me.

In what I hope is my recovery, I keep getting tangled up in this idea of soul mates. Of course, it is the concept of soul mates which caused me to lower my guard and be taken in by the manipulative liar for the second time in my life.

He and I seemed to share such closeness which I have never shared with anyone before. Yet, it turned out to not be closeness after all; he was play acting at being my perfect mate in order to woo me and win my love. He had this way of seeming to be right inside my head. However, towards the end, when I was wondering what was going on while he was devaluing me, one thing which I noticed  was how very far away he seemed. Also, I had noticed that his mind/soul which had been initially completely open to me, had slowly closed down, making him seem more of a stranger during each of our last visits.

“How could he be the love of my life?” My brain reasons with my heart. “If he simply switched his affections from me to his new girlfriend? If he was making love to us both with the same passionate intensity?”

I lived without him for twenty years and yet, once he came back into my life, he filled me completely so that I felt never alone, and wondered how I could have existed those long years without him.

Now, all these many months into my recovery from his psychological abuse, lies, manipulation and cheating, I still find myself missing him. We live 100 miles apart and so we spent tens of thousands of minutes on the phone. We spoke constantly. Now I realize that for much of the relationship, he was inventing outings with friends which were really sexual encounters with his new girlfriend. When he called me up around dinner on Sunday evenings after an afternoon ‘watching football’, he’d actually been fucking Lisa. It is so bizarre to think about, because then he and I would ‘spend’ Sunday evenings ‘together’ on the phone. First we’d watch 60 Minutes and then Nature.

When I’d first discovered his betrayal, I assumed Lisa  knew about me. I’m not so sure anymore. Of course, she knew that he’d been dating me, but I’m guessing that during our ‘fight’ in May a couple years ago, he told her that he was finished with me. And that’s when he first went to bed with her. So when he picked it back up with me in June, he had the plan of stringing us both along. It’s amazing. Only victims of Cluster B types can understand how much time is spent in the aftermath trying to sort out all these details and figure out what actually happened, who knew what, and how much was lies and manipulation.

There are days when I feel fine. My life is picking up in exciting ways. My career is moving forward. I am trying new activities and getting back into shape. And yet, there are times when I feel so alone without him, but I am realizing that it is not him that I miss but the feeling of not being alone.

This is the allure of the Cluster B Mindfuck. The Cluster B personality enters your life and quickly establishes intimacy with you. This intimacy, which turns out to be an illusion, makes you feel like you are closer to the Cluster B person than to anyone else on the planet. You new lover ‘gets into’ your head; he knows your favorite songs, buys you jewelry with your favorite stones, praises all that is unique about you.

However, you can eventually tell that this is false intimacy when he devalues and discards you and moves on to his next victim/lover. He will use the same bag of tricks with her, producing in her the same feeling of deep connection.

“Alright”, my heart says to my brain, “If this was false intimacy, then what is real intimacy?”

The truth is, that if you have spent many years ‘in love’ with a Cluster B personality, then you may have a very hard time answering this question.

I still don’t know the answer.

Namaste,

Ixchel

Cluster B Relationship Blow Up


Grooved body of a Second World War-era U.S. Mk...
Grooved body of a Second World War-era U.S. Mk 2 grenade. The grooves covering the exterior of the grenade cause it to break into many pieces when it detonates (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Twenty months ago, I discovered that the ‘love of my life’ had been living a secret life. This discovery ended our relationship, which spanned twenty-five years, a marriage and a child.

During the following year, I was able to put the pieces of our lives together in retrospect and realize that my ex has  Narcissistic and Anti Social Personality disorders,which are both Cluster B personality disorders according to the DSM IV.
Initially, to describe my discovering that he’d been tricking me in so many devious ways,  I used the analogy of a grenade blowing up my heart.

Nearly two years later, in reviewing the experience, I think that a better analogy would be that when I discovered his cheating, drug dealing, and complete second life, it was like stepping on a grenade and having my entire body blow up and scatter into pieces.

I am still putting the pieces together. I will never be the person whom I was before he tricked me. I will never be able to trust anyone as much as I trusted him.  I will always be on my guard. But I am getting stronger.

If you are new to this, if your heart is recently broken by a Cluster B-type, then hang in there. It isn’t easy, but you can get through.

I have lived a hard life, full of challenges. I did not need him to come back into my life after an absence of twenty years. I did not need him to catch me in his web of lies. However, he did catch me and I did fall.

I will survive. All of what’s left. I may not be whole, but I can pick up the pieces of my broken being and put them back together and move forward.

Blessings to all who come here! May your sorrows be lessened with each passing moment.

Forgive yourselves; falling prey to a Cluster B is NOT your fault. They are pathological liars and predators.

Namaste,

Ixchel

Recovering from a Pathological Relationship is like Recovering from a Bacterial Infection


Pathology
Pathology (Photo credit: Sebastian Niedlich (Grabthar))

Recovering from a pathological relationship with a Cluster B-type individual (someone with Anti Social personality disorder or Narcissistic personality disorder)  is similar to  recovering from a bacterial infection.

Pathological relationships, like bacterial infections, hit your system hard. If your recovery from a pathological relationship was like mine, then you experienced, in addition to heartache and grief, a weakened immune system.

Both pathological relationships and bacterial infections can be deadly. If you don’t get the antibiotics, or support, that you need in time, your body and or self-esteem could suffer or die.

It takes a long time of healing to recover from bacterial infections and pathological relationships. You can’t heal faster than you are able to, although you are tired of the recovery process and want your own self back. If you push yourself too hard after a bacterial infection, you may have a physical relapse. If you push yourself too hard emotionally after a pathological relationship, you may have an emotional relapse.

Be gentle on yourself and don’t push yourself too hard. The pathological relationship you have managed to crawl out of has sickened your soul, your emotional being, and possibly even your physical self.

Take the time and the necessary steps to recover and heal.

Namaste,

Ixchel

The Heart Grieves Slowly


Heart-shaped cloud
Heart-shaped cloud (Photo credit: aivas14)

My heart still grieves for him, despite all my intellectual knowledge about Anti Social Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, his pathological lying, his cheating.

It seems I have spent the past year and a half embroiled in a debate between my heart and my mind. My mind has had the upper hand on the debate for many months now. My memories of the bad far outweigh those of the good. Intellectually, I realize that all the good was an illusion.

Yet, still, my heart grieves. My heart, it seems, is a stupid organ which remembers smells, feelings, sensations, a certain song, the smell of ocean on a fall day, the pressure of his hand taking mine, an island, a drawbridge, his eyes, his laugh, and wants to turn these memories into proof that he was the love of my life.

My mind combats sensations with facts. Part of what we do as survivors of pathological relationships is to repeat our facts daily, like our Apostles Creed. We are praying our rosary, the repetition of our prayers of emotional survival,

self-respect and reason to drone out the feelings of love.

Is there anyone else out there, another survivor of a pathological relationship who cannot let go of the feeling that despite all that happened, that he was the only one I ever loved?

Damn the heart. It has proved a useless and delusional organ in my body.

Namaste,

Ixchel

Search Term Poem 1


Forest near Rajgir, Bihar, India.
Forest near Rajgir, Bihar, India. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The following free verse ‘poem’ is a listing, in random order, of search terms that readers have used to discover this blog during the past eighteen months. I kept all of the terms identical and included all spelling errors. It’s a testament to all those who have suffered and are suffering as a result of pathological relationships.

Search Term Poem I

psychopaths brain desicion making sociopathic mentality

my man has anti social disorder

husband has antisocial personality drug

antisocial and relationship with ex

denial relationship with other woman

 “how to” “stop loving”

how to forgive someone with narcissistic personality disorder

 how to trick a narcissist

how to get closure from betrayal

an agitated man with an antisocial personality

 broken heart immune system

how do you heal for betrayal

surving a sociopath

how can a christian forgive personality disorders

never plan ahead personality

psychopath’s brain abnormalities

phoenix rising magic trick

sudden onset narcissism

antisocial personality tells me to search my soul

karma and personality disorders

healing from a narcissistic relationship

aspd and my relationship

antisocial personality disorder in relationships

quotes about narcissists on valentines day1

closure from betrayal

naricissitic never wrong in argument

psychopath seduction tricks

the never ending cycle after cheating

coming to terms with reality

pschopath mental disorder

forgiving the narcissist

 healing betrayal past relationship trauma

patron saint of relationships1

sociopathic liars and narcisstism

karma and the other woman

forgiveness is not a right

antisocial personality disorder symptoms living with a person with this diagnosis

coming to terms with reality over fantasy grief changing personality quoted

how to reason with a narcissist

a narcissist cannot have a healthy relationship

 how to get out of the sociopath relaionship

rising psychopathy

karma of betrayal

letting go of betrayal

surviving narcissism discarding stories

 argument narcissistic mother

patron saint of lost causes testimonials of healing

betrayal-he is a liar

narcissistic brain healing

jesus forgiven narcissist

 personal blogs about psychopaths

narcissist don’t waste your time

narcissist never wrong

 life after the cluster b

 lies, betrayal,honesty

when the mask falls of a psychopath

how long does it take for a narcissist to cycle through?

i learned what it meant to be betrayed poem

healing from a psychopath

psychopath lover

the discard phase and the end of a relationship with a npd women

get narcissists out of your life

quotes on healing from betrayal

npd idealization

narcissistic woman dumped me

narcissistic people mentally ill

 my boyfriend had 3 year long parallel relationship

uncovering a narcissists lies

talk therapy for aspd

psychopath narcissist seduction

can psychopathy be fixed?

 when your partner admits to you he is a narcissist

codependent and psychopath

 the love of my life is a psycopath

relationship romantic sociopaths

narssist and the pedistool

Namaste,

Ixchel

Rebounding From a Relationship with a Pathological Lover


Recovering, or trying to recover, from a relationship with a narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, person with Anti Social Personality Disorder (ASPD) or other Cluster B type personality disorder? Whether or not one is able to rebound and recover after a relationship with a pathological person depends upon the following criteria:

1) The duration of the relationship
2) What the victim suffered during the relationship
3) Whether there was physical, emotional, verbal and/or sexual abuse
4) The diagnosis of the predator (ie: how crazy/fucked up he or she is/was)
5) What the victim lost as a result of the relationship
6) Whether there were court proceedings involved
7) Whether there were minor children involved
8) The financial assets of the victim
9) Support, or lack thereof, for the victim from family and friends
10) Emotional state of the victim
11) Whether or not the victim suffers from mental illness, physical disability
12) The victims history- does he or she come from a traumatic or emotinally stable background
13) The basic temperament of the victim

Are there more criteria which I have left out? Please post your comments.