Physically, as well as emotionally and spiritually, I am not the same person I was eleven days ago.
I’d caught a bad cold in September which had progressed into bronchitis, an ailment I’ve never had before. Despite two rounds of antibiotics, it hung on, and whenever I was feeling just a wee bit better and tried to talk a small walk or clean the house, I’d be coughing again. “Rest,” my doctor assured me after an x ray showed no pneumonia and blood work discovered no abnormalities, “If you cough more with activity, then do less.” Until Monday, October 15, I was doing nothing but working and resting. As soon as I came home, into bed I went. The laundry piled up. The pizza boxes piled up. The coughing got worse the last weekend I visited my lover and so I’d scheduled another chest x ray for Wednesday, October 27.
I woke up Tuesday, October 26, coughing as usual and feeling worn out. That of course, was the fateful morning. I never did go in for that second X ray because the coughing disappeared the moment I discovered he’d been cheating on me! I am not exaggerating! It just went away. Also, the weariness from the bronchitis vanished as well and I’ve had plenty of energy. The illness just vanished in an instant! How can that be explained? Was I literally sick of his lies? Did my body know what my mind and heart did not? The last photo he took of me, in S.F. Park, shows how exhausted I am. I don’t have a copy of this photo but wish that I did. I just look so pale, tired, old and worn out. I look ten years younger today than I did in that photos taken three weeks ago.
Another physical change is that I’ve had no appetite these eleven days. This began during that initial horrific forty eight hours of shock. But its hanging on. Eleven days and my clothes are starting to hang off me. I am forcing myself to eat. One bite at a time. It’s such a lot of work to do all that chewing. Late at night last week, after a beer with Bethe, I devoured a burrito. Other than that, its been like coaxing a picky child to make me eat anything. Right now I know I should eat before work but blah! Who wants to? All this eating and digesting. I will make myself eat a piece of toast with peanut butter.
It’s not like I’m in danger of wasting away. I could stand to lose a few pounds, so maybe this will become a blessing in disguise.