Since experiencing this betrayal trauma the past two weeks, I’ve been having trouble eating. The first 48 hours of shock, I subsisted on small bites of yogurt & even smaller nibbles of toast.
The third day after the shock, I was happy that my appetite had returned for breakfast. I am an eggs and toast person (with remarkably low cholesterol, after eating eggs for breakfast 80% of my days on earth.)
So breakfasts have been going well, but I’m having trouble with lunch & dinner. My stomach turns at the thought of eating anything. I can usually force down a small cup of yogurt or a packet of instant oatmeal, but there’s not enough protein in these to sustain me. Beans & rice seem to work OK, and today I made up some cheese and bean burritos and ate one for lunch and one for dinner. (These are small burritos- usually I need more than one for a meal, and usually with cooked veggies)
I’m experiencing nausea while eating and chewing. It is similar to morning sickness experienced during pregnancy, for pregnant ladies, morning is usually the hardest time to eat and the most nauseous time. For me these past two weeks, the morning is the easiest time to eat and as they day goes on, it gets harder. I don’t want anything chewy- none of what I usually eat (usually before this all happened)- steamed broccoli, apples, nuts, raisins,. I don’t want anything greasy. My oven wouldn’t light today (on its last legs) and considered pan sauteing the burritos but the thought of them being even the slightest bit greasy with a touch of olive oil made my stomach turn.
Usually, I never have stomach problems. I have a healthy appetite and can eat anything stir fried in oil, but my thought on food in general right now is yuck!
So what I am thinking about these eating issues is that part of the betrayal trauma I am experiencing is physical trauma– feeling violated at his touch which was betrayal in capital letters for eighteen months. All the time that I thought our union was communion in the physical sense, it was dirtied and filthy by his lies to me. His lies to my eyes, to my face, to my body, to my mind, to my heart, to my soul. He always swore that he loved me totally and completely, that he was incapable of infidelity since I was the only woman he’d ever loved and- I knew that he did not date another woman during our 18 year separation! I know this from women I know who live in his home town and who went to high school with him and have either known both of us since we were teenagers or have known him all the years I was separated from him.
So yes, I think that’s it. My body, having been lied to repeatedly in such an incredibly intimate way, is reacting through revulsion to food. My mind is coping with the trauma in an OK way, maybe I’d give my mind a C+ on its ability to figure things on and continue with my daily life instead of collapsing into bed, but my body can’t even begin to comprehend the trauma, the rape of intimacy which it has undergone all these many months, all the while thinking that it was truly being loved and revered by his body. So my body wants to throw up. Who can blame it?
- The Extended Grief Cycle: Shock, Part 2 (phoenixsphere.wordpress.com)
- Controlling Stress Induced Nausea (brighthub.com)
- Horribly Gut Renching (ashpauls.wordpress.com)
- Can stress induce vomiting? (zocdoc.com)
- Healing music and Psychoterhapist Belleruth Naparstek bring new hope for cure to PTSD sufferers (homecomingvets.wordpress.com)