Maze of Denial


Longleat Maze

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I find myself crawling through a maze of denial. Denial is not an unfamiliar state to me, I have been here before.  Twenty years ago, I had to crawl out of the maze when I left him in back in 1989.

Both times we fell in love in the glorious seacoast spring, and both times I left him  were in the dark, gloomy season of late fall. The falling in love springtimes were twenty two years apart, and the autumn departures are twenty one years apart. So somewhere between one glorious spring parking out by the ocean (yes, back seat and all) between twenty four years, an early marriage, a daughter, my departure because of his addiction problems, eighteen years apart, with no word between us, hearing finally a word from him, leading to another glorious spring, and finally another tragically dark fall, between all of this we squeezed out about two years of happiness together, if I subtract the time he’d been cheating on me.

Together, one year of happiness  as kids, one year of happiness  middle aged. Two years of love is more than many people ever have, I am aware, and yet, it seems a thimble full of juice to be squeezed from my heart, which is overflowing with emotion, creativity, passion and affection.

I am waiting for the Magic Fairy to wave her wand over us and make the infidelity go away. She can twinkle her nose and we can go back in time three years and start over again, this time beginning with couples counseling to address head on all those unresolved past issues which came back to haunt us. The Magic Fairy could transport us back in time to 1986, and I could have taken the bull by the horns and kept my young lover away from his nefarious drug dealing buddies, and joined in league with his mother to get him into rehab. The Magic Fairy could transport us to the Fall of 1989, and she could give me the strength, for which I had prayed to God,  to stay with my young, troubled husband. She could have given me a magic wand to keep him from inviting drug dealers over to sit in the same room with his baby daughter.  She could have given me the wisdom to have fled, not out of state, but to his mother’s house, to be there and wait for him to come out of his madness, so that he wouldn’t be alone.

He waited for me to come back. It sounds hokey but its true. He waited for me to come back and when I didn’t then he finally found me. By then it was too late. He’s been warped from hanging out with the wrong people, being intoxicated, living alone. All the goodness has been drained from him as he developed and perfected his skill of lying.

What have I ever gained from loving him? Nothing save my daughter, nothing but neglect and lies. None of his presents or sweet words or wooing have meant anything in the end.

How can I  awaken from this dream? How do I slap myself and say, “The Magic Fairy is NOT coming! Stupid Girl! There is no such thing!” I can’t wish this away.

I have always bet on the long shots. So many friends warned me that reuniting with him would go badly.

“How can you trust him again?” They asked me.

Now they say, “You’re better off knowing the truth and being out of it.”

How can I be better off being out of it when I have spent my whole adult life IN it? He and I dreamed about each other for eighteen years! For eighteen years we dreamed of each other. I had moved to the other side of the country and changed my name. I waited for him to find me. He stayed where he was and waited for me to physically return. He would expect to see me just appear in front of him, returning to him.Both of us were irrational and took a long time to grow up.

And the dream is over like this? Like this? I never loved anyone else because no one else was ever HIM.

There is no magic escape hatch from this maze, I must wander around it half out of my senses until I am completely lost for a good long time. And every day that I don’t lose my mind in the battle between the stark reality of what is and my dream of what was, is not a victory, but at least a temporary survival.

Namaste,

Emmeline

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