Layers


Rubens, Peter Paul - The Fall of Icarus

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Now that I am one month out of the initial shock of the betrayal, I am evaluating my reaction, holding myself under the microscope, to see what I can find.

I’ve divided my reactions into four layers of self; physical, emotional, mental, spiritual. Well, here we go, one by one:

Physical: My physical body does not understand that is has been betrayed by his physical body. My body thought that it had been created solely to be with his body. My body still thinks this. I’m not sure how my body is going to handle this. I’ve pulled the plug for now to keep my body in the dark. Several decades of cold showers? Maybe I’ll become a nun. Not sure, but I have no clue how to introduce the betrayal to my body. “Body, you have been betrayed.” Hmmm. To tell my body directly about his betrayal would be like informing a two year old in direct language that her mother had been killed in a car accident. I must soften the blow and find symbolic ways to explain it to this youngest child, my body.

Emotional: On my emotional level, a little girl is still crying because she lost her boyfriend whom she loves so dearly. She cannot believe that he was buying another girl presents and telling another girl he loved her. She cannot believe that he was a liar. He is her own boy, whom she loved and missed all these years, whom the angels returned to her and now some bad dream has taken him away. She wants to awaken from the dream. She misses her boy and doesn’t know where he is. The mental self keeps telling her the story of the betrayal, but she cannot believe it because she knew that he only ever loved her, so the story of his betrayal must be false.

Mental: My mental self knows and accepts the betrayal. My mental self kept me safe through the discovery, shock and trauma from his betrayal by surrounding myself with family and friends cutting off communication with him. My mental self has pulled the switch on my physical self and has wrapped my emotional self in layers of soft cotton to ease the sharp edges of reality. My mental self keeps explaining to my emotional self, over and over again, just exactly what happened, and why he is no longer in our lives, and why he can no longer be trusted. My mental self has written a list of all the small clues that he was having an affair or had pulled himself away from me emotionally over the past year. My mental self has taken full control of the ship and is sailing it towards integrity, self knowledge and healing.

Spiritual Body- My Spiritual Being experienced an old fashioned fall from grace from the betrayal. A true Icharus fall, having flown too closely to the sun, my wax wings melted. I was flying higher than I had a right to, because the foundation I had built my trust in, my ability to fly, was warped.  The entire experience of reunion with this man was wrapped around my concept of spiritual redemption. We had broken each other’s hearts long ago, we had forgiven each other, and now, older and wiser and more tolerant, we were going to truly love each other in a love and trust which knew no bounds, and I had every confidence that he would be holding my hand at my deathbed, or vice versa, and that even after death, our souls would remain united. To have traveled through all of the tribulations of our lives and to have found each other and returned to each other with open arms and souls, had become the spiritual story of my inner life. Fall, fall, fall. Like those terrible falling dreams, like the endless black hole. To fall forever. But this weekend, in NYC, my soul landed on safe ground through attending mass at St. Patrick’s Cathedral, and I will write more about this later. But my spirit has mended, my wings are now held together with gold instead of glue and I am again soaring again, looking down at this human tragedy I’ve been part of with complete compassion.

Namaste,

Emmeline

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