Swimming Through Stained Glass


Stained glass window in church in Katowice.

Image via Wikipedia

My friends kept telling me to stop trying to make sense of his betrayal. One said, “I can see your brain trying to anaylze it all and put all the little bits and pieces together like a jigsaw puzzle until it makes sense. This doesn’t make sense. You can’t make sense out of his actions because they are not rational.”

One of my rules in life is that if more than two people tell me the same thing, then I must heed it. So I stopped analyzing the little details and facts of the betrayal. I stopped trying to figure out  exactly which date he’d started sleeping with the other woman, (although I knew it was during a  fight we had in Spring ’09), I stopped asking myself and everyone over and over again ad nauseum why, if he’d started up with her then, did he come and make up with me in mid June of that year? Why did he come to me, and profess, “I’ve missed you terribly?” The blue bottle of shampoo, the jewelry box moving, the invented “Football” Sundays. I stopped holding on to them, I let them go, and I allowed them to not make sense.

It’s been a couple weeks since I stopped trying to make these details fit into some type of rational narrative. A couple days ago, an interesting change occurred. While drifting off to sleep, my mind tried to start asking these questions again but I hushed it. Instead, all of these little pieces of the betrayal story, the individual lies, the clues, the changes in behavior, all turned into colored bits of stained glass water which I was swimming through. They were red, green, blue and gold. I was swimming underwater through them, seeing the patterns and colors as they connected. They were all just different colored lies. They were very pretty to behold, but still lies after all. I gained a sense of peace, swimming through then, as if I had conquered them.

Namaste,

Emmeline

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