A couple weeks ago I wrote about being in a ‘Maze of Denial.’ Happily, I can report that I’ve found my way out. When the betrayal issue first came to light on October 26, I was shocked and in a state of denial because I didn’t understand what was happening. I thought that he was different than he really is, and I thought that our relationship was something which it was not. I thought that he was mature and committed, and I thought that our relationship was monogamous.
In the past weeks, I’ve had to unravel my reality and strip it bare to the ground. There has been a lightening effect with this experience. (Not lightening from the sky, but a lessening of weight.) I no longer care about many of the things which were small worries prior to this experience. In order to process what had happened, I had to let go of everything in my life save for the bare minimum needed to survive; work, eating, laundry, shopping, showering, dressing, caring for children.
Everything else- home repairs, financial concerns, organization, exercise regimen- I pushed to the back burner. I needed all my energies to concentrate on what had happened.
A combination of my dreaming, writing, conversations with family and friends, lack of communication from the man who betrayed for four weeks, and then communication with him via phone, writing and email within a course of a few days last week led me to the discovery that he was absolutely not the person whom I thought he was and whom he led me to believe that he was, and that our relationship, far from being monogamous, had contained the person if not the actual body of a second woman for close to two years.
Why? Simply because he is shallow. His professions of love, by his own confession, wore out quickly. I was a new toy that he lost interest in. He was not able to break it off with me, also due to shallowness. If he broke it off with me, he didn’t have a mainline connection to his daughter. I was providing all of the family events, visits and activities which happened. He doesn’t like to drive, and so his daughter and I were coming to see him. I would make all the arrangements.
Every day, I understand more and more about his shallowness . He is simply not a whole or a healthy person. He began the new relationship with me based on lies about habits he had twenty years ago. He simply told me that he’d grown up and these weren’t issues for him anymore. It turns out he was completely untruthful about this. When I began to discover the truth and ask him about his lies, he began pursuing another woman.
And being shallow, he lacked the honesty to tell me that he’d found a new love interest so that I could move on with my life. Being shallow, he lacked decency and/or respect, and by his silence about his second girlfriend, he encouraged me to continue driving six hours round trip every month for our relationship which I never doubted was monogamous. In the past 18 months while he’s been sleeping with this other woman without my knowledge, I’ve used up roughly three weeks of my vacation time from work to visit him. How incredibly rude of him to let me take all these vacation days and travel all this time to see him when he knew that my seeing him was predicated on a complete falsehood!
I’m not sure if even ten percent of anything he’s told me in the past three years has been the truth.
I am glad to be out of it- I feel like an animal who has wriggled out of a trap. How long was he going to continue to deceive me? He took advantage of my geographical location to begin another relationship and simply did not tell me. It’s one of the oldest tricks in the book. My eyes weren’t open wide enough.
Every day now I remember more of the thousands of small unkindnesses which began happening more and more often in the past few months. I did not see them for what they truly were- unkind acts, words, deeds, gestures, because they didn’t fit into the context of the reality that I wanted to see- he was kind, devoted, had loved me for 25 years, etc.
Learning painful lessons is not fun. For the rest of my life I will never trust anyone easily again. Is this the right way to live? I am grateful that I escaped intact. These types of situations can turn out much worse. This man and I have no legal relationship, we have no financial connections. It’s just done.
- Cheating in Relationships (stevepavlina.com)
- Where Can You Find The Happily Monogamous? (slog.thestranger.com)
- Agi Smith: You’re Either Divorced or Not – Which is it? (huffingtonpost.com)
- Monogamy Rocks! (slog.thestranger.com)
- Signs That You Should Probably Move On (livecrylearn.wordpress.com)