Valentine’s Day Apology


Valentines Boo-hoo

Image by ViaMoi via Flickr

Apology:

First, I’d like to apologize to my friends and family for taking so long, too long, in the opinion of many, to process this situation. My best friend said to me last night, “You say you’re processing, I call it perseverating.” (Can you guess he’s male?)

Admittedly, I’m a slow processor. Very ,very slow. I had just finished wrapping up my high school issues when this came along. My discovery of his betrayal  was like the car that went through the red light around 40pmph  and slammed  into us in 1994 in Portland, Oregon. My daughter, 6, was in the passenger’s seat because it was an old car and the seat belts had been torn out of the back. It was a Saturday morning with light traffic near Pioneer Square and we had just left  her ballet class. The car that hit us totaled our car, a nineteen seventies Toyota corolla, and I mean totaled. My daughter remembers me screaming and slamming the breaks; I remember nothing.

I came to in the intersection, the front half of the Toyota a hulk of twisted, undriveable metal.

That’s what the morning of October 26, 2010 was like for me. I’ve blacked out the minutes after the discovery of his betrayal and then spent the next three months asking, “What the hell just happened?”

OK, so now I’ve cognitively processed it, way after everyone has said, “I told you so,” and “I knew he would screw you over,” and “You should have listened to me,” and I’m supposed to just say, “Yeah, it sucked, he was an asshole,” and move on?

Sorry, but I’m like the slow kid in class and it takes me awhile to get it. For about ninety days I kept expecting some miracle, some deux ex machina, to sweep in and save the day. Maybe I could push the  Staples “easy” button and time would unwind and it would have all been a mistake, and none of it would have ever happened…

I am very slow at processing, people, and I am finally getting to some salient points, like that  he is not/was not the person I remembered him to be, and that there were about a thousand red flags I ignored about his lying to me before the whole cheating issue came to light.

So I am working on this, and I am doing my best, and I promise that I will not spend my entire life writing about this but please note that  I have just gotten over the shock of this. I blocked it out of my mind before the cruise and stopped thinking of it to save my sanity; but not thinking about it made me dream about it which made start writing about it last week.

So, sorry for the perseveration and that I’m not  able to just forget about it and move on to wherever it is, what bright rosy future I’m supposed to be moving on to, now that I’ve learned this important lesson, whatever the hell it’s supposed to be- perhaps that I can never trust anyone ever again; would that be it? Or that, like my mother I am doomed to die alone because I’m too scared to date?

At any rate, please tolerate my perseveration because I’m doing the best that I can.

Valentines’ Day:

Valentine’s Day is coming and it has triggered me big time. It just sucks, period. He is the only man I’ve ever celebrated this holiday with and last year  we spent the weekend in bed, with me having no idea that he was screwing another woman on the side. Happy f’ing Vday.

I’m betting that he downplayed the physical aspect of his relationship with me to this other woman, given that he told her that he was ‘trapped’ (his words) in a relationship with me in order to have a good relationship with his daughter. Perhaps he told her that I was frigid or physically incapable of sex. Wherever she is, I’d like her to know that each and every time I visited him for the weekend, he was *&$%#!  my brains out.

Namaste,

Emmeline

2 thoughts on “Valentine’s Day Apology

  1. Something in the apology section touched me about my own have-to-deal-withs and i am trying to parse it out on my own. I wanted to leave you a longer comment until I realized I was talking about myself, so I will just say that you are loved by plenty of good people and me. 🙂

    I did want to ask you a question about the hyper links in your blog-did you set that up, do you get to chose what words with be linked?

    M

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