I just finished reading, “When Your Lover is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal” by Susan Forward, PhD with Donna Frazier.
Wow. I wish I’d read this book a few months ago, but I probably wasn’t ready emotionally for Ms. Forward’s super sharp analysis of how women find themselves in relationships with liars as well as the different types of liars. Ms Forward also expertly addresses the carnage of denial, anger, sadness, despair and a whole shipload of other challenging emotions women face trying to extricate themselves from these relationships.
I’ve written before about the many lies that my former husband/lover has told me over the years, and Ms. Forward’s book has put his lying into focus. I can see now that his behavior is not about me although he has always managed to insist that his lies were my fault; it is about him. He is a liar. I entered the second part of our relationship three years ago with complete honesty about my own issues and i expected the same level of honesty from him. I assumed that he was being honest with me, when in fact, he was not.
Ms. Forward explains (p.8) that early in relationships, women make the mistake of assuming that their new boyfriends are as honest as they are by projecting their own value system onto their them. This is absolutely what I did. I assumed that he had the same integrity which I did.
But he was lying to me from the start about who he was, who he hung out with, what habits he had and how he spent his free time. The following two and a half years were a spiral of my descent into dealing with his lies when they started surfacing, the excuses I made to myself to swallow his lies and finally, my discovery of his grand lie of this other relationship.I had made the mistake of making excuses for him.
Knowing that he is a selfish liar at heart shouldn’t surprise me. After all, this is the man who did not support me when we were married and I was pregnant with his baby. This is the man who would not provide a place for me to live when I was pregnant because he wanted to hang out with his buddies. This is the man who would not give me child support after she was born. This is the same man. It’s been nearly a quarter century but he’s still just the same.
Due to my own delusions, I bought his 2007 line, “I’m sorry, i had my head up my ass and failed you and (our daughter)” lock stock and barrel because I wanted to believe in a fairly tale ending. And because of my belief in this fantasy, I put on rose colored glasses which made me react differently to discoveries that he was lying about very important things than I would have normally.
To be Continued
- Tell me Sweet Little lies (spreadinformation.wordpress.com)
- Is being a bad liar a good thing (wiki.answers.com)
- Liar, Liar (letterstoab.wordpress.com)
- Should you believe a chronic liar when he tells you he loves you and repeatedly announces his heartfelt love for you (wiki.answers.com)
- Can You Detect a Liar? (davemsw.com)