Get Thee Behind Me, Satan

Atomic bombing of Nagasaki on August 9, 1945.

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It’s been nearly six months since that Tuesday morning I discovered his betrayal. I know now that I will never be completely over it; something within me died on that morning.

They tell you that what does not kill you makes you stronger. I am not sure if this is true. I have survived the winter but I am certainly not stronger. I have asthma now; I did not have asthma six months ago. Perhaps I was headed towards asthma. I do not know enough about it, being newly diagnosed, to be sure. But asthma does not run in either side of my family, and it is known to be  a side effect of long-term trauma. Nothing will convince me that this trauma, this discovery of his betrayal, and my subsequent illness, did not cause my asthma.

I do not understand how he could come back into my life after an absence of 18 years only to inflict such intense harm upon me. I do not understand how he could behave so disrespectfully to the woman who raised his child, alone, without his help. I deserved more respect. I did not beg him to love me when he came back into our lives three years ago. I did not force him into a relationship. No one told him that he needed to have a relationship with me in order to have one with his daughter.

I do not know what his motives were, when he  lied to me as he did in the beginning of our reunion, about his lifestyle, habits and friends. Did he plan to live a better life? Did he plan to leave the past behind and become a better person?

Or did he lie to me merely to entrap me into a relationship with him? I was totally honest with him. I told him my issues. my mistake: to expect the same from him in return.

He wronged me once. I never should have trusted him again. But I did, and I was bitten, badly, by his deception, his disrespect and his betrayal. I am amazed that he can hold his head up and consider himself a human being after how he has treated me in this life. I remember it all. I remember how cruel he was twenty-four years ago when I was pregnant with his child; I remember how he always put his partying first, and his stupid, ignorant, misogynistic friends.

I have spent my life forgiving people, in the spirit of Christ. But this liar I cannot forgive. He can plead his own  forgiveness from God for how he has treated me in this life. Having no conscience, no moral fiber in his life, it will take until his deathbed, if ever, for him to face what he has done to me- what he has done to our daughter. He has spent his whole life dwelling in the sins of instant gratification, of hedonism, of putting his own pleasures and his ties to wicked, vile men before his wife and daughter, over and again, for decades.

He has willingly become, through his wicked and vile actions, a wicked and vile man.

In the meantime, I can comfort myself with knowing that I never have to see him or talk to him again.



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