Happily, I am no longer under the delusion of loving this person. I no longer miss him. I have been able to separate the person whom I believed him to be from the person whom he actually WAS.
He was not, as I believed, and as he presented himself, the LOVE of my life. In fact, he was quite the opposite. He was the LIAR of my life.
When I took our baby daughter and left him back in 1989, I knew that he was selling drugs and that he was really screwed up. Lying was part of his problem, but I always thought that the drugs were the big problem. Little did I understand about the connection between substance abuse and dishonesty.
So, when he resurfaced in our lives back in November, 2007, and he carefully crafted a persona to present to us in which he no longer used drugs and only drank on the weekends, I thought that the lying, along with the substance abuse had miraculously ‘gone away.’
When all of his lies came to the surface last fall, I blamed myself for many months for believing him and falling into his trap. However, I have come to realize that I was not to blame. He fed me a very carefully constructed string of lies which he combined with conciliatory actions and gestures which created a pictures of him as a good, decent person who wanted and deserved a second chance.
These lies, actions & gestures were:
1. He contacted me first by letter. I responded by letter, reiterating the reasons why I had left- specifically his drug use, his drug dealing, his choice of friends, and the presence of hard drugs (heroin) in his life in 1989. His response to my letter was to send me a card where he’d written, “I am sorry. Can we talk? ‘Love Suffers Long'” Along with this, he sent chocolates, a photo calendar of his photography and a CD of his photography. He included his email address. He also included a photo of himself fishing, in which he looked healthy. Receiving this type of message from the person I’d always considered to be the love of my life was the most emotionally intoxicating experience. It felt like the gates of heaven were opening up to me.
2. I emailed him. He immediately emailed back, insisting that he was not a ‘druggie’ and that those days of his life were behind him. Upon my further questioning, he insisted that the heroin had been a one time thing, that he didn’t hang out with any of those people anymore, and he only had a few beers on the weekends. He spoke of his regret at losing me and Violet from his life, wanted to buy her diamond earrings, asked my opinion, and asked me to send more photos of her. He spoke of ‘not having his priorities straight’ and having ‘my head up my ass’ when he was younger. He pushed his photography, including an upcoming show at the town library, his long-term employment for the town, and his general stability.
3. He also, at this point, brought his mother into the conversation, put me in touch with her, etc. His mother is a 100% honest and decent person. He used his mother at this point to show himself through her wholesome lens. What I found out later is that she’d seen almost nothing of him for years, that he seldom if ever, helped her and never called her, unlike his brother who saw their mother weekly and did work at her house all the time.
4. During our first month of conversations, which were via email and then instant messaging, he sent some of his nature photography, was always polite and spoke of what he did at work, helping his mother, how much he’d matured, how he’s always regretted losing us. He explained how he’d tried to find us ,not very hard. For some reason, I let this slide. The truth is that he never looked for us because he was too busy with the drug scene and getting high and he was perfectly happy without a family.
5. He began sending me checks. He sent presents. He sent a check for Violet’s tuition. He was like Scrooge on Christmas morning, overjoyed with spending money on us.
6. With all of these positive signs, I was still wary. Many of my friends urged me to hire a private detective based on his drug involvement in the past. But I saw no signs of it. Everything he told me, his mother backed up. Yes, she said, he’d had problems in the past but really seemed to be getting his act together. Of course, she had no idea he was still getting high or that he’d been selling pot & whatever else he could, including pills, with the same crowd of degenerates since 1987. I spoke with a private detective in the area and was about to hire him to check this guy out- I wanted to know who he hung out with in his spare time- but just then my ex sent me a packet of reference letters. Even these letters were a lie, as he’d told people he’d worked with that he needed them to volunteer with Big Brother Big Sister. This he admitted to me when he sent them. They all contained glowing reports of his character- what a hard worker he was and how kind and cheerful and cooperative. There were at least a dozen letters, some from people who’d worked with him at the local elementary school and library for years. When I got these letters, I never called the detective back. I smiled a huge smile. He was for real! What I did not know was that he was presenting the professional side of himself and that his private side was quite different.
He managed to keep this private side hidden from me until December, 2008, at which point we’d been dating about eight months.
To Be Continued,
- The Truth About Lies and Longevity (everydayhealth.com)
- Open Letter to All Liars (auroramorealist.wordpress.com)
- Habitual Liars (confidenceiseverything.wordpress.com)
- Drug Addiction is a Tragic Mistake (socyberty.com)
- Lying Hurts The Liar (mediumsworld.wordpress.com)
- The ‘Liar’ of My Life (phoenixsphere.wordpress.com)
- What I’ve Learned About Addiction from My ?Soulmate? (phoenixsphere.wordpress.com)