The Damage Done


English: A marijuana joint. 日本語: マリファナのジョイント(大麻煙草)

Image via Wikipedia

“I’ve seen the needle
and the damage done
A little part of it in everyone
But every junkie‘s
like a settin’ sun. “

Neil Young

 

Christmastime is no time for the brokenhearted.

Realizing that this blog is as much about addiction as it is about his betrayal and my response to it.

If he wasn’t an addict, then the betrayal would not have happened. Most people tend to believe that marijuana is not as dangerous as heroin. Many swear that smoking pot is harmless, even helpful. I can only tell you from my experiences with my husband, who has smoked, I”m guessing between an eighth and a quarter ounce of marijuana every day for close to thirty years, along with drinking a six pack or more every night, that these habits have destroyed his integrity, his life and the lives of his family to the same extent as any ‘hard’ drug user has done.

He betrayed me, he betrayed our families and our daughter, both last year and when she was a baby, because he is an addict.

I got a Christmas card from his mother today. She is the real loser in all of this. She lost her granddaughter twenty years ago because of her son’s/my husband’s addiction and drug dealing.

Now, after finding her granddaughter again at the age of nineteen, she lost her last year.

After three years of visiting Grandma, our daughter no longer wants to go to that town, the town she was born in.

Our daughter wants nothing to do with her betraying, lying, drug dealing father. I can’t blame her. I have urged her to stay in touch with her Grandma. But my daughter is 23. She is young. She’d rather just not deal with the whole side of her father’s family. Guilt by association. She is an adult. I can’t make her do anything.

But I feel so badly for my former mother in law. She is such a good person. She has had such a hard life and has persevered through many adversities. She is a person full of integrity, who has never used drugs, and yet her life has been so damaged by the addiction of her son, and his subsequent lying and betrayals.

His betrayal, his lies have pervaded the lives of his mother, his daughter, his former wife (myself.)

It is Christmastime, and I am numb.

Eighteen years without him, then two years in which I thought we were given the gift of being a family again; a miracle in itself.

And now, nothing but numbness. A hundred miles and one year away and wishing I’d never heard from him again. My daughter has blacked him out. My wonderful mother in law misses us both and is in too poor health to visit us. I am working too hard to visit her. My daughter is too stubborn and hurt to visit her Grandma, not able to separate her father’s actions from his side of the family.

My life is so empty without him. His voice is the only one I’ll ever hear in my heart. With him, I am complete. With no one else. Soul mate. He is my soul mate. These words echo emptily in my mind. They mean nothing. He has chosen his addiction over me. Again. First in 1989, and now, again. My youth, and my middle age, he has betrayed me. Burst into my life to love me only to betray me.

I hate his drugs. I hate his associates, those people I knew were scumbags way back when, when I was a naive and scared nineteen year old girl. I hate the choices he made, the lies he has told, the person he has become.

I want so badly to go back in time. I want our life back. I want him as a husband and as our daughter’s father. I want to claim him back from the drugs and the dealing. But there is nothing that I can do, besides reel in amazement at the damage done.

All the damage that one addict can do.  All the pain a lifetime of betrayal can cause. Who he could have been if he’d have kicked the addiction. What kind of life we could have had. What happiness we could have lived.

Blows my mind.

Namaste,

Emmeline

One thought on “The Damage Done

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s