Fourteen months into the process this betrayal has become, a journey through brokenheartedness, shame, grief, denial, bargaining, acceptance, pain, and healing, I am recognizing a cycle. I have gone through a similar sequence of emotions before,and it was again, related to this man whom I believed to be my soulmate.
When I took the baby and left him and his druggie lifestyle at the age of twenty-two, I came north, to this same town, to heal. The cycle was different; I had a baby to look after and so instead of processing my grief, I ‘stuffed’ it. Instead of coming to terms with how badly my young husband had treated his family, I made excuses for him and held his friends responsible for his behavior. In this way, I sheltered my heart from the miserable reality that the love of my life was a real selfish scumbag.
However, although I did not go through the emotions of grief consciously, these feelings gnawed at me for a good long time, close to a year and a half, after I’d cut off all contact from him.
I did go through an intensely personal cathartic process of growth which was painful and quite lonely. It was a time for spiritual introspection and for guarding myself closely, keeping myself and my daughter safe, and meditation. I”m going through a similar experience now: I am wondering about the spiritual aspect of this part of my life.
I am convinced that the reason this man came into my life was to betray me; one of my life’s lessons was to be betrayed. Or perhaps, from his perspective, he had a choice. He had a choice at the age of 22 and then again, a chance to change that choice at the age of 42, and both times he chose against us. He chose addiction, lying, betrayal, and low friends over his family.
At any rate, I am now curled up in my den for the winter. My wounds are no longer raw: I have stopped licking them. I am standing up and moving on.
- The Holidays are No Time for the Bereaved (phoenixsphere.wordpress.com)
- The Seven Stages of Grief from http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html (shahanascorner.wordpress.com)
- 7 Ways Reiki Supports Overcoming Grief (thereikimuse.com)
- From Regret to Grief to Healing (my.psychologytoday.com)
- Layers of Grief (Part I) (namasteconsultinginc.com)
- The Seven Stages of Grief (bipolarvixen.com)
- Excerpt: Grieving Mindfully – Sameet Kumar (namasteconsultinginc.com)
- Working through stages can mend betrayal, UT psychologist says (knoxnews.com)