In my last entry I wrote about my health problems since last fall, when I received an intense emotional shock via the discovery of my lover’s betrayal followed by the subsequent abandonment I experienced.
I want to state very clearly that previous to the shock of his betrayal, I have never experienced six solid months of illness. In addition, last winter was the first time I’ve ever suffered from asthma.
Both my medical doctor and my therapist believe that my long illness culminating in asthma stemmed from the trauma of the shock.
Now, I am stabilized and trying to recover. The list of vitamins and herbs I take daily is very long. I see an acupuncturist to stimulate my immune system. I eat organic food. I take walks in fresh air. I rest and drink fluids. I am careful not to get stressed out over work or money.
The trauma has passed into a dream. Did this really happen to me? Did my first husband truly come back into my life, with his promises and presents and vows of fidelity after an absence of 18 years only to crush my heart to smithereens? Did he really convince me of his undying love and our being soul mates and his wish to make up the past twenty years to me only as a shallow passing fancy? Was I so unimportant to him?
For the most part, I don’t feel the pain of the betrayal anymore. It has been almost fifteen months. I feel numb and weak and anxious to be well again.
I know that the only power I have in this situation is to never see him or speak to him again. I know that I don’t ever have to go near him again. Along with his love, I lost my hometown, but I have been gone from there for twenty years, so I can forget its streets and beaches along with him.
I am willing myself to be whole again. I don’t even care about what happened, I don’t care what he did; I only want to be myself, to be healthy again. I want my vitality back; I want my strength back. On that day in October, over a year ago, I never dreamed that I would be embarking on such a long journey to return back to myself.
Will I ever reach myself again? Will I be the same?
It is so important that we treat others with respect and kindness.
We are all so fragile.