I have been healing from the betrayal of my lover for the past fifteen months. From reading, I know that recovering from betrayal of this type is often traumatic and can take a very long time. However, even through writing and seeing an excellent therapist for over a year now to deal with this traumatic event in my life, something was just not clicking. I was just not moving forward.
I could tell myself the events of my life which led up to the betrayal. However, I could not just call this man an asshole and move on. There was something missing. My therapist has told me that this man has Antisocial Personality Disorder as well as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and that recovering from a relationship with a person with this diagnosis is especially difficult because of how twisted these individuals are inside. They do not think like you and I. They are incapable of empathy.
“The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM IV-TR), defines antisocial personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster B) as:
- A) There is a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three or more of the following:
- failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;
- deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;
- impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead;
- irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
- reckless disregard for safety of self or others;
- consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;
- lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another;
- B) The individual is at least age 18 years.
- C) There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 16 years.
- D) The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or a manic episode.”
- (Quoted from : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder#DSM-IV)
- Here is the first version of my story which I have written while viewing my ex husband through the lens Antisocial and Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
- I am recovering from a relationship with a man with Narcissistic & Anti Social Personality Disorder. This man was my first husband. I left him because he had a drug problem & was involved with drug dealers back in 1989, taking our baby daughter with me. I had no contact with him during her entire childhood, moved to another state, and never sought child support to keep him out of our lives. Unfortunately, because of our deep ‘soul connection’ which I now know to be a hallmark sign of a relationship with a narcissist, I spent twenty years pining for him. No one could match his place in my heart. I saw him as a victim who fell in with the wrong crowd. We didn’t hear from him until 2007. Absolutely zero contact for eighteen years. On what would have been our twentieth wedding anniversary, he sent me an amazing anniversary card which read, “You are, and always have been, the love of my life.”
My close friends were extremely suspicious. My college aged daughter was suspicious. But that card melted my heart to my soul. I cried and cried. And he stepped forward, and apologised,and said the right words, and sent chocolates and gifts. His first act towards the daughter he’d never supported was to send her a pair of diamond earrings with an apology note.
He was very careful to put himself forward in the best light possible. He convinced his family, my family, our daughter and me that he’d quit drugs years before, and that he’d been longing to be reunited to us but didn’t know how to find us.
Within three months, he and I were back together in a whirlwind romance. I was never so happy in all my life. He was my every dream come true. He was our daughter’s every dream come true.
The honey moon period lasted nearly a year. The devaluation period took me by surprise. I was the most perfectly beautiful woman in the world but why wouldn’t I dress nicely to go for a walk with him? Maybe I should let him pick out my glasses next time. Suddenly, he no longer wanted to embrace me when I arrived at his house for our once a month visits. (We lived 100 miles away, not surprisingly, I was the one who had to travel, he was never inconvenienced.) All of a sudden the most patient, kind, loving soul mate, my other half, would snap at me about the smallest things. I would be thinking, why have I driven all the way down here? Slowly, very slowly, things began to disintegrate.
I realized that he had not been honest about the drugs. Yes, he was still getting high. By the end, I realized he was also popping pills he’s obtained illegally. At the beginning of the relationship he’d claimed he’s ‘had a few beers on the weekend with friends’ it was starting to be clear that he was drinking alone every night.
To make a long story short, in October, 2010, I discovered in the space of a few days, that he’d been having an affair with another woman for over a year, he was still selling drugs with the same old crowd from 1989, he was living a double life between his day job and his drug dealing, he had several online accounts and aliases for facebook and online sex subscriptions. In short, he was a total addict through and through, in addition to his personality disorders.
I ended the relationship immediately, and our daughter also backed out of her relationship with her father. I have been seeing a therapist ever since and have been writing a blog about my healing journey, which has been very long, complicated and painful.
I keep getting stuck thinking that this is personal, what happened between this man and I. I know, cognitively, that it is not. In the past year, I came across the definition for both Narcissistic and Anti Social P.D. and he fits ninety percent of both descriptions. He has never taken any responsibility for any of the harm he’s caused his family, sees himself as the victim, and thinks there’s nothing wrong with his lifestyle.
Now, mentally, I am telling myself over and over again that none of what happened is personal. It’s not between me and him. It’s between himself and his own twisted mind and I am lucky to be rid of him and happy that he lives 100 miles away.
- Npd (psychopathresistance.wordpress.com)
- Being Manipulated By A Pro … The Narcissist (nakiafleming.wordpress.com)
- New research finds extreme antisocial personality predicts gang membership (medicalxpress.com)
- Antisocial Personalities May Find Social Niche in Gangs (cherished79.wordpress.com)
- Emotional Alchemy: A Borderline/Narcissistic Woman Reveals Her Rules of Life (psychologytoday.com)
- The Disconnection of Psychopaths (neurocritic.blogspot.com)
- The Dark Path to Antisocial Personality Disorder (cherished79.wordpress.com)
- New Study: The Dark Path To Antisocial Personality Disorder (medicalnewstoday.com)