Surviving Valentine’s Day: Post Narcissist/Sociopath

Valentine postcard, circa 1900–1910

Image via Wikipedia

Congratulations, you’ve survived another romantic holiday without a total meltdown!

For those of us recovering from a relationship with person with narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder, Valentine’s day can trigger especially challenging feelings. If you’ve been raised on a pedestal by a narcissistduring the idealization phase of the relationship, then chances are that he treated you like a queen during this holiday. It is likely that no ‘normal’ emotionally healthy man can ever come close to making us feel ‘special’ the way that a narcissist does on Valentine’s Day, and the reason for this, unfortunately, is that the ‘special’ feelings created by the narcissist were based on fantasy and not on reality.

Valentine’s Day is a good day to sort through what was real in the relationship and what was not, so that we can prepare ourselves for relationships which are solid and truthful and not based on feelings and fantasy.

I survived yesterday, for the most part. I’m fifteen months into my healing process after ending my relationship with my ex-husband, who has  both narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders. To celebrate Valentine’s Day,  I did lots of healthy, happy things. I worked on an art project and picked up cake from a bakery to share with my family. I enjoyed a relaxing tv show, the love of my dogs and cats who enjoy watching tv with me, and a couple of glasses of red wine.

However, at 10:00pm, a friend posted a link to a (romantic) song on YouTube, in honor of Valentine’s Day. It just so happened that this was a song song which I had associated so closely with my ex-husband that I did not listen to it for twenty years. Although I deleted the song from my Facebook page, the music started playing in my head and would not shut off.

Suddenly I was transported twenty-five years back in time.  My sweetheart (not my husband yet) and I were nineteen. It was summertime and we were playing like children in the backyard, dancing and blowing bubbles. The radio was playing this song, the cord stretched out the bedroom window, so it could reach our blanket in the grass.

I have few memories as vivid as this one. As soon as I hear this song, the entire scene comes back and I am overcome with the sense of our innocence at that age. At this age, my lover had not yet become a hardened criminal. He was mixed up and was abusing substances, but he was still sweet inside. He was not the calculated liar whom he was to become.

And so, when I hear this song, when I remember who we were so many years ago, I am filled with sadness at the waste of the goodness which was inside him, and at the loss of the nineteen year old boy from my life. It is very hard to jerk myself back into the present, but that is precisely what I did this morning. I shut off the song in my mind and faced the real music. This memory of the summer day is a faded dream; it is no longer real. He was never a whole person; he was already troubled at that time. The seeds of who he would become were there inside him on that sunny day. There is nothing for me to grieve except the ghost of the person whom I loved long ago.





4 thoughts on “Surviving Valentine’s Day: Post Narcissist/Sociopath

  1. The loss is fresh. This too will pass. Perhaps its too early, but maybe you miss that 19 year old girl. At times, I think back to my ex-wife and have that old familiar sadness and longing. Then I realized if she were with me today, we would have so little in common. I miss someone who passed into history. I miss her ….and her husband.

    • Thanks Howard.

      You are right. I miss the nineteen year old. I do not miss the adult he had become. “That old familiar sadness and longing” which you mention is what trapped me into a second doomed relationship with him, twenty years later.


  2. Pingback: Idealization, Devaluation & Discarding- Being Put on a Pedestal and then Dumped by a Narcissist « Phoenix Rising

  3. We can allow ourselves to dwell in the past or we can move forward and thank the Universe (or who ever you wish to take) that we are here Dwelling in what was or what could have been is a waste of OUR time and energy and OUR life Yes I know all about N’s Raised by two N parents and 15 years with a N (I wont use the word “relationship” as we all know that does not happen with an N!)
    Lets look around us and say Thank you I got out!!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s