How Could He Do That To Me? Shock and Disbelief After Discovering Your Lover is a Psychopath, Narcissist, etc…

English: A Beijing opera mask

Image via Wikipedia

“And just for the record
Just so you know
I did not believe
That you could sink so low.”

No, You Don’t by Nine Inch Nail

Have you recently been devastated by the betrayal or cruel treatment of your lover or spouse? Have you discovered that this person whom you trusted so much has a personality disorder such as Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

People with these types of personality disorders behave in a specific pattern when it comes to romantic relationships. First, they wine and dine you with over the top compliments, gifts, flowers and promises of eternal love. They will put you on a pedestal and make you feel as if you are the most amazing person in the world. These types of people will idealize you and worship you for a short time. While you are being worshipped on a pedestal, you will feel as if you have found the truest, rarest love of your life. You will not be able to believe your good luck. You may even pinch yourself to see if you are dreaming. .

Unfortunately, this idealization period will not last. The sad truth is that individuals with NPD or ASPD are incapable of true love and affection, which is characterized by long-term caring and committment. When they pour on the sugar during those first few months of the relationship, they are hiding all their flaws and presenting themselves to you in the best possible light. They can’t maintain this type of theatrical performance for long, and this is one of the reasons that the idealization period won’t last.

Another reason that this wonderful period will not last is because individuals with these types of personality disorders find it difficult, if not impossible, to remain faithful to one lover. They lose interest in you eventually. Often, as soon as you begin to see through the cracks in their perfect armor, and ask questions about the darkness you see inside, they will begin to devalue you and to look for a new lover. It is not uncommon for these types of individuals to juggle several lovers at once, idealizing one, devaluing another, and discarding yet another, all the while keeping on the lookout for new prospects.

Often, women who find themselves in relationships with these types of men experience a sudden, dramatic, negative ending to the relationship. (I write about women because statistically the ratio of male to female personality disorders like NPD and ASPD

These relationships often end suddenly when the woman  discovers that her lover is a pathological liar,  has been unfaithful, has a secret addiction or substance abuse problem, has a ‘second’ life which he has kept hidden, has a sex/porn addition, is sexually promiscuous, is involved in criminal activities, etc.

Essentially, the mask falls off and the victim of the narcissist/psychopath is left holding the bag, which is full of foul-smelling reality. It’s a ‘wake up and smell the garbage’ moment in a person’s life.

Realizing that your lover has been lying to you,  hiding behavior from you, possibly criminal, and even sneaking around in other relationships behind your back, is a profoundly disturbing experience.

When I realized that my lover was not the person whom I believed him to be, (which happened in the course of a couple of hours one Tuesday morning), I fell into a state of shock which lasted for three days. Nothing which I had experienced before had prepared me for this experience. I could not eat or sleep. I was terrified to be left alone. The world, even the familiar surroundings of my house, seemed strange and threatening to me. I felt as if I had fallen off a cliff and was still falling.

To find out that the person whom you loved and trusted the most is a devastating experience.

But there is help.

If you find yourself in the situation of being devastated after ending a relationship with an individual with NPD or ASPD, know that you are not alone. Millions of women (and men) have suffered through the same experience, and have recovered.

What Should You Do Now?

1. If you are in a situation where you or your family is not safe because of an abusive person, you can call for help. Your town may have a domestic abuse hotline which can advise you of the best thing to do in your situation.

Here is the number and link to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224 :

2. Many people find it helpful to see  therapist to help them through the emotional aftermath while recovering from a relationship with a person with NPD or ASPD. .

3. Often, it is helpful to read what others have gone through. There are many websites and blogs online written by people who have recovered from relationships with men who have NPD or ASPD.

For recovery from a Narcissist, visit The Narcissistic Continuum:

For recovery from a Psychopath(ASPD), visit Psychopathy Awareness:

On Facebook, visit: ‘The Path to Peace- Recovery From Psychopathic Manipulation and Abuse’



4 thoughts on “How Could He Do That To Me? Shock and Disbelief After Discovering Your Lover is a Psychopath, Narcissist, etc…

  1. Pingback: Moving Forward Through Pain~ Healing After a Relationship with a Cluster B Personality « Phoenix Rising

  2. Pingback: As promised, quite some time ago…Who are the “You”, you remember? « My journey of healing from psychological abuse

  3. Pingback: It Gets Better « Phoenix Rising

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s