When Women Have Anti Social Personality Disorder in a Relationship

Danger Ahead

Image via Wikipedia

Almost everything in this blog has been written with a slant assuming that the psychopath or narcissist in your life is male. However, I do get quite a few hits on this blog about female psychopaths/ASPD, and so I thought I’d speak to that topic today.

Statistics vary depending upon your source, but it’s safe to say that around 4% of the adult population has Anti Social Personality Disorder (ASPD). That percentage can be broken down into 3% male and 1% female.

So, the reason most article and blogs are about psychopathic men and not women, is due to these statistics.

Remember, that not all people with ASPD are psychopaths. Although the term Anti Social Personality Disorder has replaced the term Pschopathy in the DSM-IV (Diagnostic Manual, psychopathy is generally considered a subset of ASPD. So, of the 4% of the population with ASPD, a fraction of those actually are true psychopaths.

So, how can you tell if a woman (or man) in your life could have Anti Social Personality Disorder? (ASPD)

“The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM IV-TR), defines antisocial personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster B) as:[1]

A) There is a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three or more of the following:

  1. failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;
  2. deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;
  3. impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead;
  4. irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
  5. reckless disregard for safety of self or others;
  6. consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;
  7. lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another;
B) The individual is at least age 18 years.
C) There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.
D) The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or a manic episode.” (Credit to Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder
Obviously women with Anti Social Personality Disorder pose as much of a potential threat when encountered in an intimate relationship as men, regardless if the relationship is female to male or female to female. The same types of threats are present including stalking type behavior, pathological lying, manipulation, deception, criminality, lack of remorse, using lovers as objects, cruel treatment, etc. 
Of course, it is important to remember that women and men with ASPD probably all have traits of narcissism. It is generally agreed that all ASPD/Psychopaths are narcissistic, but that not all narcissists have ASPD/Psychopathy.Narcissistic traits in a woman or man would include the tendency to put a new lover on a pedestal for the first few months of a relationship, and then lose interest in them, and eventually, dump them quite suddenly. Once you are dumped by a narcissistic woman or man, you will never forget the feeling of being discarded, like a piece of trash. It has been almost eighteen months since this happened to me and there are still days when the pain is sharp and fresh.
Many times, a narcissistic woman or man will dump you because they have found a new lover to take your place, as, in common with psychopaths, they have a constant need for new excitements, along with a unsatiable urge to satisfy new desires as quickly as can be accomplished. Narcissists are also polished pathological liars who will weave a web of fantasy for you to believe in to cover up their deceits until they are ready to drop you in the compost heap.
Never forget that Psychopaths and ASPD individuals often have serious addictions problems. They can be addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, or more than likely, all of the above.
At any rate, all women and men with these type of personality disorders (referred to clinically as “Cluster B Personality Types”) aren’t capable of long-term loving committed relationships for a number of reasons. First and foremost, they find commitment boring.  These men and women are seeking thrills and pleasures.  If you have survived a relationship with one of them, you will feel like a sexual object which has been used. Towards the end of my relationship with a narcissistic man with ASPD, I had the strangest feeling of not knowing what was going on in bed with him. The sex was intense and frequent, as it always had been, but I felt that his consciousness was drifting away from mine. Still, the amount of sex we were having convinced me that everything was fine. When I realized that he’d already established a full-blown intimate relationship with another woman and was planning to dump me, I could not get over how eagerly he had enjoyed my body those last couple of months. He was like a greedy child wanting to get all of the cookies he could before I found out what was going on and took the plate away.
It is really such a terrible feeling to be used like that. It takes a very long time to recover from the dark and miserable feelings which arise after you realize that the one person whom you loved and trusted more than anyone else, the one whom you shared your secrets with and planned to spend the rest of your life with, has betrayed you without so much as a second thought and has strung you along for the ride until he or she dumps you.

12 thoughts on “When Women Have Anti Social Personality Disorder in a Relationship

  1. Pingback: As promised, quite some time ago…Who is the “You”, you remember? « My journey of healing from psychological abuse

  2. Pingback: Healing From a Pathological Relationship: Putting the Pieces Back Together « Phoenix Rising

  3. You make us all sound like monsters. I read these articles to provide him with information from other people on my illness. I wouldn’t show him this because you’re pretty much saying I’m a terrible person who deserves to be alone because I’m ill. That’s pretty cool to know.

    • Rhea,

      I’m sorry, I am not a trained therapist. I have no professional experience with any of this, I am just trying to make sense of what happened to me. I didn’t mean to judge you or anyone.


      • Nice reply to the above post. Very responsible! 🙂
        I like your blog and articles. Im “recovering” from a relationship with a ??? Not sure what he is to be honest……what a nightmare.

    • If you had antisocial personality disorder the chances of you coming on this blog would be medium (the notion of staring at your reflection through descriptions online would repulse you, much like how you would avoid rules, lie to yourself, and dodge any confrontation that will expose your selfishness). If you had antisocial personality disorder and you happened on this blog by accident or through been coerced the chances of you posting on this blog would be even lower (to post on this blog would be even worse than reading it. Plus, the internet, blogs, and other electronic social medias for discourse, are meant to air out and come to HUMAN reasonable solutions to problems. An antisocial personality type has no such life goals, nor is morally advanced enough to WANT TO TALK ABOUT PROBLEMS, And lastly, if you had antisocial personality disorder, admitting it online would be next to impossible. Unless you do not understand the blog. You see this is not a fad, or a misguided notion of yours that you are badass so you must have antisocial personality disorder. Read the words properly. It says DISORDER. Meaning that your brain has malfunctioned somewhere along the way. A person with this disorder does not come on blogs and ADMIT they have a disorder, because they don’t even have the mental capability to know that the disorder even exists. The only people that will ever post on this site are people who wish to express their disdain for these ill people, or those that just want to come on here and joke around, or those that haven’t understood the blog accurately. Or, that picture might be of someone you think has the disorder and you are posting as her, whatever the case, a person with this disorder is not someone that will even bother to come online to quote on quote air out issues. They are too selfish to even think along those lines.

  4. We are not incapable of love ASPD offer forms from severe and traumatic instances early in childhood and adolescence as a women with ASPD, I agree that if you are going to post about your experience go ahead but statements such as the following “And this is the very reason why it is so important to get away from a woman or man who has a Cluster B-type personality disorder” or I can’t speak from personal experience about psychopathic women or men but they are the most dangerous because in addition to the pathological lying, manipulation, criminal behavior, lack of remorse, etc., psychopaths can be violent and murderous.”. It’s good of you to protect the public and all, very heroic, but it’s not always the disorder that causes the behaviour and many people without the disorder can be just as if not more so of all of the traits you posted. Let this show you that it’s not okay to attack or generalize a disorder if you are not a therapist.

    • Melissa,
      Thanks for writing. You are correct. I went overboard in this post. I have deleted the text you have quoted above. I wrote so much during the healing process that when I started delving (as a nonprofessional) into the realms of ‘Cluster B” diagnoses, I did make statements which were disrespectful to groups of individuals and I apologize.


  5. I’ve always been slightly jealous of those who can detach themselves so greatly from their emotions. I feel my emotions very intensely and I have no choice but to detach from them or I’d end up destroying myself. I think that I can come across as antisocial but I’m really not I have empathy and a very odd version of love I’d die for my loved ones I become very entranced and loyal in love chances are I will love you forever if you don’t hurt me badly. I can’t feel physical or emotional pain anymore though I can’t feel very well at all. I was in labor for a day and didn’t even know I was in labor until my kid almost fell right out of me. I do have PTSD that’s why my feelings are so dull I think I wonder if this can lead to antisocial personality traits.

  6. My friend sometimes God leaves us with no choice but to get downright mean with people, even people we care about. Someone can care about you but know the relationship isnt good. You should be happy this person left you now you can work on kicking ass and improving life without this jerk.

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