It is OK to NOT FORGIVE.
In many religious upbringings, we have been taught that forgiveness is morally required of us.
I am convinced that the only reason that Jesus ever said such a thing is that he NEVER encountered anyone with Anti Social Personality Disorder or any other Cluster B Personality Type!
Forgiving the person in my life with Anti Social Personality Disorder harmed me. It has harmed me, my children and my elderly father. Because we wanted to forgive, we forgave a person who was not worth forgiving because he had not earned our forgiveness.
The consequence of forgiving this person was that I let him back into our lives again, to do more damage. As if he had not done enough damage twenty years before.
The damage he created twenty years before included me, his wife, not having any place to live and not having enough food to eat from the time his daughter was born until she was four. Without child support from him (as he was too busy selling drugs and getting high to be responsible) my daughter and I lived in substandard housing until she was eight. We often did not have enough money for heat or proper clothing. Most of the time, we did not own a car because we could not afford one. I never asked for child support, nor let him know where we were living, because I was afraid of the friends he had and didn’t want him having any contact with us as long as he was selling drugs.
There are emotional damages as well. The emotional damage to me, who believed for years that I was not worth being treated decently, as one would treat a wife. The damage to his daughter, who grew up knowing that her father preferred getting high over being being responsible for her.
But I forgave him this; she forgave him this, when he asked us, four years ago. We forgave him for not caring for us, for not being there for us, for putting us in a place of danger when she was a young baby.
The consequences of forgiving him have been dire. The emotional harm to both of us has been intense.
I believe that forgiving him was the WRONG thing to do. He sought forgiveness and we forgave him. Why? Simply because he asked it and because we wanted to believe in the miracle of a father, of a husband, returned to us. The fact was that his offences were unforgivable. Maybe if he’s spent a few years earning our forgiveness, then he’d be worth forgiving. But just to forgive him because he asked us?
It was the wrong move.
Learn from me. Be very careful.
Do not forgive those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Anti Social Personality Disorder easily. These are people who do not change. They will only hurt you again.
- On Forgiving a Narcissistic Psychopath and/or Mentally Ill Persons Who Have Harmed You (phoenixsphere.wordpress.com)
- When Forgiveness is Not the Right Move (phoenixsphere.wordpress.com)
- Get the Cluster B People Out of Your Life! (Psychopaths, Narcissists, Sociopaths…) (phoenixsphere.wordpress.com)
- Bipolar or Narcissistic Personality Disorder? (everydayhealth.com)
- No Amends, No Forgiveness. (authentic-imperfection.com)
- “Fried Green tomatoes…” (lifebegins45.wordpress.com)