Mr. Congeniality~ The Narcissist


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While sorting through video files on my computer this morning, I came across some footage of my narcissistic ex lover.

I was surprised; I hadn’t realized that any video of him remained. Yet, there are several shorts of mundane moments in which I am filming and he and I are talking in the background.

Some of these were filmed one year before our relationship ended (when I discovered his ‘other’ life) and others are from seven months before the finale.

Hearing his  voice shocked me. It is so completely congenial, warm, friendly, chatty. We are engaged in conversation, making shared observations, cracking little jokes, making each other laugh. We laugh quite often in the ten minutes of combined video. We are silly and intimate.

Listening to our snatches of conversation, I thought, “No wonder I was fooled! We sound like we are in love.”

Indeed, we sound like a couple who enjoys each others’ company and conversation. No trace of tension or conflict between us. Anyone who listened to our voices would think that we were highly compatible.

Watching and listening to these shorts, it is challenging to grasp that he was sleeping with another woman.

I wonder- did he ever call her or text her during the weekends while I was visiting him? Perhaps when I was upstairs watching tv and he was downstairs making dinner, did he go to the back of the kitchen and sneak a phone call to her? After I figured out his deception, I realized that on several weekend afternoons, he would cal me on the phone as soon as he arrived home from being with her. Conversely, I wonder, did he also call her up, or drop by her house, within the same hour after I was back on the highway, heading home?

Although I was concerned that listening to his voice might upset me, it turned out to be a helpful experience. I can see, hear and understand why I trusted him, why I believed him when he told me that I’d always been the love of his life, and why I had absolutely no clue that he was sleeping with another woman.

It’s hard to believe that someone could be so narcissistic as to carry off an entire weekend of deception like that. However, he didn’t deceive me for only one weekend, but for two dozen or more. Eighteen months of pretending. Not just to me but to his family and my family, and to our adult child.

At the end of the relationship, he admitted to having used me as a pawn to further his own relationship with our child. I do not know at what point my role as pawn began. I believe that it was somewhere during the first year of our reunion Somewhere along the line, Mr. Congeniality, the narcissist, started up a new relationship and decided that it was better and easier for him to string me along than to be truthful and risk upsetting the apple cart full of relatives, including his own adult child.

I don’t know how he lived with himself, during the eighteen months of deception. How did he manage to keep his poker face through all those weekends of deception?

Pathological lying comes easily to persons with Narcissistic Personality disorder. They are also charming and superficially glib. Narcissists make great conversationalists and crave excitement. I guess it must have been quite exciting for him to be the center of attention for two women at once. It must have kept his narcissistic supply full.

I listen to my/the woman’s voice on the video and I feel so much empathy for her. She does not know that she is being tricked. She believes in the sincerity of the man’s voice. She thinks that she is living in real-time, and that she is experiencing true happiness. She does not know that her partner is not with her in real-time because he is playing a game. He is playing a game with her trust, her naiveté, her affection, her emotional well-being, her time spent coming to see him and her energy. He is playing a game with her very life. The outcome of the game is that the narcissist will get what he wants, and that her life will be crushed. Her only wrong move was to trust him again.

Namaste,

Ixchel

2 thoughts on “Mr. Congeniality~ The Narcissist

  1. I’m glad it didn’t send you into a tailspin. As painful as it is, it’s good to strip away the lies and examine the truth. “The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.” It took me such a long time to accept that pathological liars aren’t only criminals. They are frequently charismatic people everyone wants to be around, because they know how to pander. Be gentle with yourself.

    • Yes, I am thankful as well that I was able to watch the videos and learn from them. It is a wake up call that pathological liars are frequently charismatic and charming. Hopefully as pathology awareness develops, we will learn to see this type of behavior as a potential red flag.

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