Can a Narcissist Do the Idealization Thing Twice?

WordPress has a cool feature. When I look at my daily site stats, I can see what search terms readers used to find this site.

Yesterday, a reader typed ‘Can a Narcissist do the Idealization thing twice?’ into the search bar and wound up at Phoenix Rising.

What a wonderful question. Can a narcissist do the idealization thing twice?

What have others experienced?

Speaking from my experience with a narcissistic lover who also has Anti Social Personality disorder, the answer is yes. The narcissist can run you through the idealization, devalue and discard cycle twice.

The narcissist in my life ran me through this cycle (like a load of laundry) twice. The first time was when we met. We were were teenagers. Not surprisingly, he discarded me when I was pregnant and the fun had turned into responsibility. This first cycle of idealize/devalue/discard eighteen months.

When he came back into my life twenty years later, he went through the same moves.  First, just like he had when we were younger, he idealized me and put me on a pedestal with flowers, poetry, presents and constant attention. This stage lasted about ten months. Next, he devalued me and began sleeping with another woman. During this devaluing stage, all the presents began to dwindle and he began to make devaluing comments about my appearance and wardrobe. This stage lasted about sixteen months.

I believe that he kept me in the devaluing stage longer this time around because he was enjoying having two girlfriends at once, which  was a novelty for him.

Finally, he discarded me once he’d decided that he preferred the other woman. And the discard was sudden. I ended the relationship when I found out about her, but during

한국어: 유럽향 드럼세탁기 (모델명_F1047TD)

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the last couple months, his behavior had been extremely cold, as if he was trying to force me to end it to save him the trouble.

Others who may have experienced being idealized/devalued/discarded by a narcissistic lover more than once, please share your stories.



8 thoughts on “Can a Narcissist Do the Idealization Thing Twice?

  1. Pingback: Normal or Malignant Narcissism? « Phoenix Rising

  2. this very same thing happened to me… the father of my eldest child left me when our son was 6 months old. I had no idea he was narcissistic at the time, I did make a certain amount of excuses for him in that at the time his mum had been diagnosed with breast cancer, plus we were both very young (23).

    He was always in the shadows of my life for the next 16 years & 2 years ago his girlfriend dumped him… he came back into my life, and I let him in, thinking that we were finally going to be a family.

    My sons and I put up with some pretty random behaviour from him in (the push pull) but I thought it would sort itself out when he moved in with us (which we planned to do this January).

    Anyway, at the beginning of January he started causing arguments so that he could give me the silent treatment & then unceremoniously dumped me.

    He has only bothered to see his son x3 time since the end of January and in March I did a little bit of detective work and found out that he was seeing one of my so called ‘friends’!

    I think this had been going on since early December.

    It was when I caught him with her that I found out about narcissists on the internet. The only comfort I have is that my so called Friend will get her Karma when she realises she has been excluded by her friends/social network to be with a completely self absorbed pathological tight fisted lying twat!

  3. May I also add… if you suspect that a narcissist is trying to idealize you… run for the hills!

    The long term damage these disordered people cause is CATASTROPHIC!

    I am currently attending MIND once a week for group therapy, my 5-year old was nearly expelled from school for behavioural problems after his ‘step-dad’ just walked out on him (luckily little ones bounce back quickly, so 6 months down the line we’ve managed to turn his behaviour around).

    As for my 18-year old, I don’t know where to start.. we have an appointment AGAIN with the Doctor this Friday, trying to get him help, because as yet he’s not been accepted by the Mental Health team.. he has no friends, no confidence, a real Down on me (kicked me in the leg last Friday & I had to call the police, so now have domestic violence unit involved), but never ever pulls his dad up on his disgraceful behaviour (puts him on a pedestal/overhwhelmed by never being important enough for his dad to care)… I wonder if my son is now a covert narcissist / has aspergers / needs counselling… I don’t know, as the NHS aren’t taking us seriously. Hopefully they will now the police are involved.

    These people are VERY DANGEROUS… I think my Ex actually gets a kick out of the damage he’s caused his own son… possibly trying to get a reaction from me… The ONLY WAY is NO CONTACT! Protect Yourself and your Loved Ones! x

  4. Pingback: My Wheelings and Dealings with the Narcissist | Process of Elimination: Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder

  5. Pingback: Diagnosing the Narcissist From the Comfort of My Armchair part 1 | Process of Elimination

  6. My ex narc of almost 5 yrs moved back to her parents & brutally discarded me over phone in Nov 2014. It was sudden. She refused to communicate like an adult in anyway. Excessive jealousy, stirring drama for seemingly no apparent reason, flirting with other guys while rubbing in my face during the rltnshp. Extremely selfish, would throw tantrums cause i would not cancel plans with family/friends to do what she wanted instead. Very controlling. Kept in contact after a few months to Guilt trip me falsely, asserting that ALL problems in the rltnshp were my fault. I owned up to my mistakes, read books on healthy communication & rltnshps, kept cool attitude during conversations, never chased, argued back, always remained positive and empathetic. THIS DID NOT WORK.

    My best friend and old roommate flirted with her during & after rltnshp, she denied it is still in contact with them to date. Her dad died summer 2015, i attended, she begged me to stay with her, i comfort her helped her with errands, loved her, made me think she wanted to rekindle, but then discarded me again following month saying im garbage, old news, born a failure, pitting my mom against me, that rekindling w/ me was going backwards for her, then rubbed getting new hotter guys and going on trips before hanging up on me. I was broken. This yr in spring she contacts me again, im skeptic to allow back in, she tries friendzoning, i say im not interested in being gay male friend, i only see her romantically. She agrees after playing hard to get, i take her on date, act like a fun gentleman. had a great time, she insists i stay in her house the night but only if I want to (emotional manipulation), i insist to only stay if she invites me in. She finally admits she wants me to stay after half hour, she tries guilt tripping me more inside, i listen empathetically, tell her i need to get rest, she insists she doesnt want me, then finally lets down guard and we make love. Then the next day im left stunned as she tells me during car ride to consider the sex as a repayment for fixing her laptop. Im shocked deep down but make a joke that there’s several more things the lptp needs fixing. Lol

    As weeks go by she love bombs txting all day and video calling, tells me she loves me, wants to work thigs out, plans vacations. I Lovingly tell her I want to take things slow and see where it goes. She begins to get cold/distant, bitchy. I let her come at her own pace. Plan skype dates, she flakes, She then discards AGAIN after 2 days of silence during a vid chat claiming she only has 1 min to talk. Throws the past in my face, blames me for her insecurities, guilt trips & shames me, tells me im defective & she feels nothing for me. I tell her i cant do this and want someone stable who will value me, to call me if she changes her mind, she happily hangs up. No contact since. I found out through my family she’s been on trips, concerts, extreme sports she originally planned with me with new supply. I deid inside. I sent her last things back & blocked from everything. These evil, sociopathic, bottomless, soul raping creatures feel no remorse, no love, no sympathy, no care. They are not human. Save yourself the intense cptsd trauma and pain. Avoid these sadistic vampires at all cost.

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