Love Does Not Die Even When it Should.


dramatic dream

dramatic dream (Photo credit: unNickrMe)

I’ve been having a hard time lately.

Dreams.

I have written  a hundred thousand words trying to exorcise him from my life and still I cannot.

Listen: I did not count on hearing from him again after nearly twenty years and when I did, the card in my mailbox on the day before Thanksgiving; it took my breath away-

I carried his card upstairs to our daughter and cried in her lap, “Don’t trust him”, she said,

(she was only a baby when I took her and left from his drugs, from his dealing, from his lies, from his unkindness)

I cried and I cried and he came back into our life. I trusted him and she trusted him and we trusted him together:

All I know is this: two times now, I have left him. And not because I don’t love him, because

He’s no good for me.

He’s no good for me.

I have tried everything I can, from writing one hundred thousand words, to drinking too much, to wearing only amethyst, to banishing his name and the truth is that I love him, that I cannot stop loving him-

And I think this is because I was a child when I met him and he crawled into my heart and I was never able to remove him, and even those twenty years, I

always held him close, and so, when he sent me that card, on the day before Thanksgiving, my  heart

frozen two decades, thawed in our daughters arms

and I believed it was ordained, my forgiveness, my acceptance, and to be together always for the time that we had left,

but it turned to be a lie, and to save my own soul, I had to turn away from him

for the rest of my life.

Well it seems quite surreal

as if I don’t quite know what happened &

I want someone to explain it to me, or it

was only a dream and I

never heard from him,

never again.

As he was my only love

and I lost him early & it’s not true that he ever

came back to

betray me.

Namaste,

Ixchel

6 thoughts on “Love Does Not Die Even When it Should.

    • Yes. I want to make a hallmark movie of it. I want to see the protagonist run up the stairs with the card from her lover whom she has not heard from in 18 years to her 19 year old daughter and bawl her eyes out. I want to see the goodness in the protagonist. She trusted life, she trusted him SO MUCH. She let him back into her life. She believed in forgiveness. She believed in his goodness.

      Namaste,
      Ixchel

      • And SHE is good, she, the protagonist, is real. That’s YOU! Just let yourself continue to heal; cry when you need to, laugh at yourself if you can (I still do, believe me) and one day, when you are ready, no matter how long it takes, let yourself be open to loving someone again.
        Namaste,
        Paulette

        • Thank you. It is just so surreal. I never asked for him to come back. It was such a trick. It’s just not fair. We were doing fine without him.He has caused so much damage. We did not need to hear from him again.

          • I know. Can you change your phone # or have him blocked from contacting you either by phone or mail? That might be a help. If it’s not possible, just stay strong and ignore him. You are strong enough to do it….

            • Thanks. We’ve had no contact for 18 months. He’s not trying to contact me. It’s completely done. Just sorting through the wreckage of feelings.

              Ixchel

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s