The Damage Done by a Pathological Lover


What have you lost as a result of your relationship with a pathological liar, with  a person with Narcissistic Personality disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Psychopathy, Sociopathy or any other Cluster B type personality disorder?

Have you lost your house, your savings, your sanity? Have you lost your friends, your family members, custody of your children?

Have you lost your innocence, your hope, your dreams?

I have lost my faith in life that things will ‘work out.’ I have lost my belief in love between a man and a woman. I have lost my belief in ‘soul mates.’ I have lost belief in my self and in my ability to make the right decisions for myself.

I have lost precious time. I have lost money.

The worst things which I have lost are my once incredibly vivacious outlook on life and my health. The shock from discovering  that my lover was cheating on men and selling drugs sent me reeling into a six months illness from which I still have not recovered my strength.

I no longer believe ‘that which does not kill you makes you stronger.’

What have you lost?

Namaste,

Ixchel

 

26 thoughts on “The Damage Done by a Pathological Lover

  1. I lost a lot, but as along as I have breath, I have decided I will hunt down everything and never allow them the power to take it again. I don’t anticipate finding everything, but it will be more than if I give up. I’m in a fighting mood, this evening, and I’m fighting for me.

  2. I lost a dream and I lost my mental health for a while there. I lost myself. But besides the dream, I managed to get it all back. When your ready, you won’t want to focus on what you have lost as much, but what you have gained by the time that will no longer be lost after you recover, which would have been if you never knew the truth. That’s how I am choosing to see it anyway.

    • Good for you, I am so glad to hear that you are getting it all back. I think how quickly one can rebound from such a situation , or whether one can rebound at all, depends on a number of factors including:
      1) The duration of the relationship
      2) What the victim suffered during the relationship
      3) Whether there was physical, emotional, verbal and/or sexual abuse
      4) The diagnosis of the predator (ie: how crazy/fucked up he or she is/was)
      5) What the victim lost as a result of the relationship
      6) Whether there were court proceedings involved
      7) Whether there were minor children involved
      8) The financial assets of the victim
      9) Support, or lack thereof, for the victim from family and friends
      10) Emotional state of the victim
      11) Whether or not the victim suffers from mental illness, physical disability
      12) The victims history- does he or she come from a traumatic or emotinally stable background
      13) The basic temperment of the victim

      Namaste,

      Ixchel

  3. It’s amazing what is left (or not left) AFTER a life with a cluster-B type…Narc, Psycho, or anything in between. I feel like I have lost so much, but mostly I’ve lost myself. I have lost my drive and what confidence I did have. I’ve lost most of my sense of humor, and the ability to be comfortable with and around other people. At times, i feel as though I’ve lost my sanity entirely. i’ve lost integrity in my job, and the trust of other people. I have lost the ability to look at any man with anything other than, “please don’t come too close”. I’ve lost all belief in love, or hope for a happy future with someone who loves me. I am paranoid now. I suppose I’ve lost the trust I had IN other people. I’ve lost the ability to feel safe, anywhere I am or go. some things, i truly don’t believe I’ll ever re-gain. I no longer believe that there is any good man out “there” and that they are ALL abusive…or have the ability to become that way.

    I’ve spent moments…seconds..trying to identify what I HAVE lost. It’s difficult to think about and I spend a lot of time pushing those thoughts away, so I don’t have to deal with it. it’s hard to write, too. I guess it’s good for me to be aware of this. Hard topic. But, thank you for asking the tough questions.

    • Yes, I have lost most of what you describe, as well. I understand the paranoia, too. I have also lost my identity. I have lost my faith in myself to make positive life choices. Reuniting with my ex was ‘following my bliss.’ It was also, ‘following my heart.’ So, I have come to believe that my heart is deeply flawed, to have made such a miserable choice.
      However, I have not lost my faith in other people as a whole, because due to my ex’s darkness, I am able to see ‘good’ people in an aura of light. I can see that they are good and therefore trustworthy. My own daughter said to me about the situation, “You can tell if people are good or bad by what they do. Good people do good things. Bad people do bad things.”

      Namaste,

      Ixchel

  4. Thanks for including my article;) I’m sorry you’ve lost faith in love. By educating yourself on ASPD and how their brains function you’ll understand they perceive the world differently from yourself. In time, you’ll meet someone who isn’t a psychopath and you’ll remember how nice it is to interact in loving and respectful way.

    Don’t lose hope. Most people aren’t psychopaths. Hugs;)

    • Thank you for your kind words and I’m very happy to have referenced your article.

      Unfortunately the pathological person in my life has left me rather warped in my views after being a destructive force about twenty five years ago, then after twenty years of no contact, resurfacing, lying & manipulating me and then creating mass destruction again. Unfortunately, the first time around, I married this man and had a child with him. So it’s all rather complicated, emotionally and in terms of family ties. When he resurfaced, he presented himself as the long lost lover and father, and proceeded to dazzle my college aged child (who had no memory of a father), myself, my seventy year old father, my ninety year old great aunt, my friends, etc. He really pulled one over on us. Thus, his deception and damage spanning a quarter century, or my entire adult life, his presence in my life and its meaning have colored my inner world.

      I simply no longer believe in romantic love anymore. Don’t think I ever will.

      Thank for writing,

      Namaste,
      Ixchel

      • the damage that was done in me, was only after just over a year of being with the monster. I couldn’t imagine what you have been going through after having dealt with this for many years. We all hope that maybe our love has or will change. That’s what keeps us in a damaging relationship. We spend countless hours making excuses, understanding and carrying blame that isn’t ours to own. All in the name of believing in someone. After all, they mess with our thinking so dramatically, I believe that we’ll be second guessing everything we’ve been through for a long time to come. “Maybe it really wasn’t that bad” “maybe I really WAS over-sensitive”…yadda yadda yadda. I was there for a time, with the psychopath/monster. All I could go on, in order to get away was, “I’m dying inside!” and it was a VERY LITERAL THOUGHT…definitely NOT proverbial in any way. All it means, (the way you feel and view things) is that you need more time to heal. you’re not ready for any other relationship. Neither am I. I cringe at the thought of anyone touching me, or allowing myself to be romantically (psychologically, emotionally) tied to anyone. That’s why they call what we have all been through “Psychological Rape”. Definitely fits.

        Chin up. You’re still not alone. 🙂

      • the damage that was done in me, was only after just over a year of being with the monster. I couldn’t imagine what you have been going through after having dealt with this for many years. We all hope that maybe our love has or will change. That’s what keeps us in a damaging relationship. We spend countless hours making excuses, understanding and carrying blame that isn’t ours to own. All in the name of believing in someone. After all, they mess with our thinking so dramatically, I believe that we’ll be second guessing everything we’ve been through for a long time to come. “Maybe it really wasn’t that bad” “maybe I really WAS over-sensitive”…yadda yadda yadda. I was there for a time, with the psychopath/monster. All I could go on, in order to get away was, “I’m dying inside!” and it was a VERY LITERAL THOUGHT…definitely NOT proverbial in any way. All it means, (the way you feel and view things) is that you need more time to heal. you’re not ready for any other relationship. Neither am I. I cringe at the thought of anyone touching me, or allowing myself to be romantically (psychologically, emotionally) tied to anyone. That’s why they call what we have all been through “Psychological Rape”. Definitely fits.

        Chin up. You’re still not alone. 🙂

  5. I lost my savings, my credit, my ability to organize, my easy trust in others, my belief in love between adults. I almost lost my sanity, my life, my house, some valuable musical instruments, and sole custody, but did not thanks to some fierce fighting by loyal friends and family.

    • I am glad to hear that the loyalty of friends and family prevented you from greater losses than you incurred. You are truly fortunate to have the support and love of others.

      Namaste,

      Ixchel

  6. What have I lost? As for material possessions, almost everything. My home, my pets, my clothing, photographs, my writings, everything I owned up to that point in time. I walked away with the clothes on my back and my vehicle. I’ve been wanting to write a post about it but it’s so difficult. The memories that it dredges up hurt.
    I lost faith in humanity. People were hired to destroy my possessions. Bags of my things were being put on trucks and hauled to a landfill. Other bags that were given to me had shards of glass and human feces/urine in them. Why would anyone do this to another human being? And I’m supposed to use the word “forgive” or “forget” or “go on”?
    My identity was stolen by Michael Young, a friend of Daniel Smith’s. My credit was ruined. My savings was dissipated to zero. I was left with my integrity and the will to live and that he could never steal from me.
    I have attempted to date again, but as soon as I get close to someone, I push them away. I think my pets are better companions than any human being ever will be. What the Smiths did along with Michael Young have traumatized me to a point of no return. People say there are good people out there and someday I will see that. What these people don’t understand is that even if I find a good person, that person will have to understand me and what I’ve been through. I’ve lost the ability to laugh easily and to smile.
    Is anyone willing to understand the victims of psychopaths and their disillusioned compadres? The answer is not really. Because we’re a hard group to be friends with. We’ve seen evil and survived. There is a darkness within us that we’re not so willing to share to others.

    • I am so sorry for what you have been through. You have lost more from your experience with a pathological lover than anyone else I know about.
      Pets are great healers and good friends; I am glad that you are comforted by them. I agree that there is no forgiving and forgetting in your situation. Personally, after my own experience, I do not believe that forgiveness is always necessary, appropriate or good for the victim.
      What has saved me is finding a therapist with a deep knowledge of pathological personality disorders. While I was still reeling from the trauma, my therapist was the one who pointed out the Cluster B personality traits of my ex- his pathological lying, seeing himself as victim, creation of outlandish stories, lack of remorse, controlling personality, sexual promiscuity, substance abuse, criminal behavior, etc.
      I will pray for you in my own nontraditional way and hope that you may find peace. If you are open to suggestions of alternative healing, then I would highly recommend that you wear grounding stones such as onyx and carnelian, and amethyst for healing, purification and protection of your being & space. Amethyst is also good on your bed table to protect you from negative energy while you sleep.
      Namaste,
      Ixchel

    • It’s amazing that what you write, expresses everything so completely. It expresses what I’m left with. It’s dis-heartening that others aren’t willing to even try to understand. The fact is, we had a very difficult time putting everything into a nice, discernible box ourselves..though not everything we have dealt with and experienced, fits perfectly. We just have to be “ok” with what we have left..after trying to fit it all into the perfectly angled box and seeing areas that still poke out, no matter what we try to cram it all in to MAKE it fit. They can’t and refuse (in many cases) to understand because the knowledge is hurtful to them, too. It causes them confusion too. How can anyone understand what just isn’t discernible? How can anyone understand something so completely out of the realm of how humans are supposed to believe in and treat another? We can’t possibly understand that type of abuse, or the damage that’s left. We just have to look at the over-flowing box, be ok with what we see, and walk on as best as we can. It’s hard. I hate it, to be honest, but there’s nothing more I can possibly do to understand any more than I do. I just have to keep moving my feet, decidedly, and breathe. None of us were ever meant to have to be like “this”, but here we are, trying to be strong in spite of it all. I’ve said it before. When we are at our weakest, the rest will carry us and provide strength in reaffirming that we are NOT ALONE ANYMORE.

      You are a great strength to ME! Thank you 😀

  7. Like you, I too have lost time, money, innocence, hope, dreams, faith in life, etc.

    But I have also lost a lying, cheating, thieving, soulless, callous, cruel, evil, tantrum-throwing, abusive, rapist-man-child. And for that, I am truly grateful.

    😀

  8. Reading these comments is so disheartening. I too feel numb and unable to trust again and think that “love” is merely a 4 letter word after my unfortunately psychotic collision course with an N over 2 years ago. No matter how you have been affected or what you have lost at the hands of a sociopath/narcissist, you have been raped and make no bones about it. Whether a violent interaction or not you have been raped sexually, raped emotionally, raped financially, raped psychologically and raped spiritually. What surprises me is why the crimes these people commit, and they should be considered crimes against humanity, are not punishable by law. Something needs to be done about this. If a group of the victims of sociopathic/narcissistic relationships were to get together and approach the media, an expose’ would certainly follow. To destroy a life in such a way must be held accountable. There need to be laws written to address these deplorable acts and to protect the victims from this kind of silent and invisible assault. It infuriates me that the victims are forced to “suck it up” for eternity while the perpetrator goes on his merry way.

    • Summer, what you said in the end of this entry, “It infuriates me that the victims are forced to “suck it up” for eternity while the perpetrator goes on his merry way.” is one major factor in the confusion that IS left in me, though it’s becoming less, through each day. Our X’s absolutely raped us, psychologically and emotionally…especially psychologically. We are left with the aftermath, and they are free to continue raping and pillaging the next target, with a big fat smile on their face. They are free to defame and torment US in order to keep up with their bag of slime (lies), and we just have to “suck it up” to protect what we have left of any dignity or integrity. It’s wrong, plain and simple. It kills me to KNOW what my X is doing to yet another woman. The only thing I could do about it is to advise the person who told me, to make sure my X’s new found prey KNOWS beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she’s not alone, and above all…DON’T PLACATE THE PREDATOR BY AGREEING (or acting on his demand) TO STAY SILENT!!! I asked my friend to make sure she knows she has someone she can confide in. Very important.

      • I agree – “the predator goes on his merry way.”
        One thing I did was to make a stand. The predator in my life, my ex husband, and I have an adult child together. Due to the predator’s anti social personality disordered behavior for the first twenty years of our child’s life, our child did not know her father or her father’s side of the family.
        Part of what developed during our ‘reunion’ after a two decade complete separation was that myself and my adult child had the opportunity to develop relationships with many members of her father’s side of the family, all of them lovely people. However, I was the glue which held these relationships together.
        When I discovered my ex’s betrayal, I chose to end complete ties with him. And this meant no longer traveling to his home town, 100 miles away, and no longer acting as the liason between our child and his side of the family. Those relationships have suffered without me being there. I am a naturally friendly and gregarious person. I bring people together. It is what I do for a living. Without me, the relationships which were beginning to really take root have withered. At first, I felt guilty, as if I needed to stay there, holding the relationships together.
        But I realized that my child is an adult and can choose or not choose to pursue relationships with the father and the father’s family.
        If I stayed involved, the other family members would want to ‘minimize’ my ex’s behaviors. They are wonderful people but tend to make excuses for him and to not want to believe about his illegal activities.
        For me to suddenly and completely remove myself from the situation , and from all family events and holidays, as a result of his selfish and cruel actions towards me, is making the only stand which I can make. For they all really liked me, far more than they liked their own blood relative.
        When they think of me, they can think of my absence and of why I am no longer part of their lives. They know deep down who he is, and who I am. And how he has treated me.
        Namaste,
        Ixchel

  9. I was just starting to feel good and happy after huge changes in my life starting about 3 years ago and then, wham, a short but devastating experience with one of these destroyers and I feel like I’m back to square one. It’s amazing what these things can do to you. I’ve done a lot of self examination and reading to understand this deadly dynamic better. Some of my thoughts are on my blog at http://vigilancemusings.wordpress.com

  10. Pingback: My Mother Was Right « Phoenix Rising

  11. OK….third time’s a charm.
    I will be copying this 3rd book I wrote with the chance it too, will be erased. grrrr…

    1) The duration of the relationship~
    ONE year/4Months

    2) What the victim suffered during the relationship~
    Trust and a LOT of money.
    With 2 ER trips without a certain diagnosis=$15,000 plus (no insurance)
    Gas=3 times a week with a 80 mile total round trip (don’t want to do the math!)
    Loans=Total of $5,000 at 3 different handouts.
    PLUS….everything else that adds up in a one-pay relationship.

    4) The diagnosis of the predator (ie: how crazy/fucked up he or she is/was~)
    After searching and somewhat MIS-diagnosing him as ALL NARCISSIST, ALL PSYCHOPATH or ALL SOCIOPATH, I found my ONE page answer=CLUSTER B.
    Thanks from the bottom of my despair goes out to Author Sarah Tate!
    Sarah Tate’s article “Idiots Guide to Cluster B Personalities”.
    FINALLY! and although I HAVE to take part in all of the insanity as I am a necrotic co-dependent (self diagnosed but my Doc agrees) I’m not sure if it made it better/worse. (?)
    My patience of a saint had never bothered presenting itself in my 1st 50 years so there IS a plus. 🙂

    5) What the victim lost as a result of the relationship~
    Money, trust, time…..ME!

    6) Whether there were court proceedings involve~.
    No receipt and cash~Judge would LOL for REAL.

    7) Whether there were minor children involved~
    Older-30,32,34 that I could tell loved me so that hurts as though they ARE/were mine.

    8) The financial assets of the victim~
    Not a heck of a lot any more. ie~no house ownership in my future.

    9) Support, or lack thereof, for the victim from family and friends~
    My one and ONLY BFF and that’s ALL a person needs as I have too many DIS-functionals in my life that LOVE to see me as the fault of all my mis-givings (and sadly, I am forced to call them “family.”)

    10) Emotional state of the victim~
    In emotional stage 5 of the 5 stages of being abused by a CLUSTER B which I am finding the hardest as I need to KNOW…he never LOVED me or CARED for me, and as my Doctor pointed that the ONLY way back to sanity is for me to stop the IN’s of it. It’s up to me and I don’t get to re-write it 3 times like this post.

    11) Whether or not the victim suffers from mental illness, physical disability~
    Depressed my entire life and have 19 years of self-sobriety this August that only my BFF acknowledges but…that’s enough! MAY have suffered from DID but drank so much, that DRINKING was my self diagnosed reason for blackouts but I have since learned that I may have used the Disassociation many times as my way of ESCAPE prior as I have never been with anyone that deserved me and I came to accept that
    .
    12) The victims history- does he or she come from a traumatic or emotionally stable background~
    UN~stable (A bio- that could literally make Ms. Winfrey reasons to start her show back up. 🙂 I bet we ALL say that though….

    13) The basic temperament of the victim~
    Kind, loving, caring, giving, patient (I never KNEW!), needy, clingy, easily blinded due to 101% trust factor although I have never had a reason to do so, I can be happy, sad, mad, excited, depressed….all in one DAY which my CLUSTER B always used against me as he was clueless about “emotions.” He BLAMED my EMOTIONS on my HAPPY PILLS I stupidly shared with him 2 weeks into our knowing each other. 2 Prozacs daily…..

    Not sure about my CLUSTER B’s family history of mental illness except that his Mom went to a psych unit for a year after the birth of her 4th child and has been medicated (overly so he says) ever since.

    It has been ALmost 2 weeks since he “ran”…YES, that was what my 57 year old baby did so I NEVER was certain where we stood, always up to him and EVERY flaw I found, every imagined 2×4 clobbered up against the side of my head ALways had the SAME outcome….
    Maybe he IS right and it IS me.
    Just passing time and my #1 excuse for reasoning this out was….
    HE is/WAS…better than nothing.
    Now that I have tools….II hope to end my heel on earth relationships beFORE it’s OVER……..

  12. OK….third time’s a charm.
    I will be copying this 3rd book I wrote with the chance it too, will be erased. grrrr…

    1) The duration of the relationship~
    ONE year/4Months

    2) What the victim suffered during the relationship~
    Trust and a LOT of money.
    With 2 ER trips without a certain diagnosis=$15,000 plus (no insurance)
    Gas=3 times a week with a 80 mile total round trip (don’t want to do the math!)
    Loans=Total of $5,000 at 3 different handouts.
    PLUS….everything else that adds up in a one-pay relationship.

    4) The diagnosis of the predator (ie: how crazy/fucked up he or she is/was~)
    After searching and somewhat MIS-diagnosing him as ALL NARCISSIST, ALL PSYCHOPATH or ALL SOCIOPATH, I found my ONE page answer=CLUSTER B.
    Thanks from the bottom of my despair goes out to Author Sarah Tate!
    Sarah Tate’s article “Idiots Guide to Cluster B Personalities”.
    FINALLY! and although I HAVE to take part in all of the insanity as I am a necrotic co-dependent (self diagnosed but my Doc agrees) I’m not sure if it made it better/worse. (?)
    My patience of a saint had never bothered presenting itself in my 1st 50 years so there IS a plus. 🙂

    5) What the victim lost as a result of the relationship~
    Money, trust, time…..ME!

    6) Whether there were court proceedings involve~.
    No receipt and cash~Judge would LOL for REAL.

    7) Whether there were minor children involved~
    Older-30,32,34 that I could tell loved me so that hurts as though they ARE/were mine.

    8) The financial assets of the victim~
    Not a heck of a lot any more. ie~no house ownership in my future.

    9) Support, or lack thereof, for the victim from family and friends~
    My one and ONLY BFF and that’s ALL a person needs as I have too many DIS-functionals in my life that LOVE to see me as the fault of all my mis-givings (and sadly, I am forced to call them “family.”)

    10) Emotional state of the victim~
    In emotional stage 5 of the 5 stages of being abused by a CLUSTER B which I am finding the hardest as I need to KNOW…he never LOVED me or CARED for me, and as my Doctor pointed that the ONLY way back to sanity is for me to stop the IN’s of it. It’s up to me and I don’t get to re-write it 3 times like this post.

    11) Whether or not the victim suffers from mental illness, physical disability~
    Depressed my entire life and have 19 years of self-sobriety this August that only my BFF acknowledges but…that’s enough! MAY have suffered from DID but drank so much, that DRINKING was my self diagnosed reason for blackouts but I have since learned that I may have used the Disassociation many times as my way of ESCAPE prior as I have never been with anyone that deserved me and I came to accept that
    .
    12) The victims history- does he or she come from a traumatic or emotionally stable background~
    UN~stable (A bio- that could literally make Ms. Winfrey reasons to start her show back up. 🙂 I bet we ALL say that though….

    13) The basic temperament of the victim~
    Kind, loving, caring, giving, patient (I never KNEW!), needy, clingy, easily blinded due to 101% trust factor although I have never had a reason to do so, I can be happy, sad, mad, excited, depressed….all in one DAY which my CLUSTER B always used against me as he was clueless about “emotions.” He BLAMED my EMOTIONS on my HAPPY PILLS I stupidly shared with him 2 weeks into our knowing each other. 2 Prozacs daily…..

    Not sure about my CLUSTER B’s family history of mental illness except that his Mom went to a psych unit for a year after the birth of her 4th child and has been medicated (overly so he says) ever since.

    It has been ALmost 2 weeks since he “ran”…YES, that was what my 57 year old baby did so I NEVER was certain where we stood, always up to him and EVERY flaw I found, every imagined 2×4 clobbered up against the side of my head ALways had the SAME outcome….
    Maybe he IS right and it IS me.
    Just passing time and my #1 excuse for reasoning this out was….
    HE is/WAS…better than nothing.
    Now that I have tools….I hope to end my heel on earth relationships beFORE it’s OVER……..

    • No, he is not right.

      It is NOT you.

      What you have described in your comment is exactly what victims of Cluster B lovers go through after the relationship ‘blows up.’

      At first, I thought it was like a grenade exploded in my heart, but a couple years later, it feels like I STEPPED on a grenade and all my body parts exploded and scattered. I am still finding them and screwing them back on.

      Thanks for your comment. You are NOT alone.

      Hang in there,

      Ixchel

  13. Pingback: Cluster B Relationship Blow Up « Phoenix Rising

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