It seems I have spent the past year and a half embroiled in a debate between my heart and my mind. My mind has had the upper hand on the debate for many months now. My memories of the bad far outweigh those of the good. Intellectually, I realize that all the good was an illusion.
Yet, still, my heart grieves. My heart, it seems, is a stupid organ which remembers smells, feelings, sensations, a certain song, the smell of ocean on a fall day, the pressure of his hand taking mine, an island, a drawbridge, his eyes, his laugh, and wants to turn these memories into proof that he was the love of my life.
My mind combats sensations with facts. Part of what we do as survivors of pathological relationships is to repeat our facts daily, like our Apostles Creed. We are praying our rosary, the repetition of our prayers of emotional survival,
self-respect and reason to drone out the feelings of love.
Is there anyone else out there, another survivor of a pathological relationship who cannot let go of the feeling that despite all that happened, that he was the only one I ever loved?
Damn the heart. It has proved a useless and delusional organ in my body.
- Ending a Relationship With a Pathological Liar (phoenixsphere.com)
- When a Psychopath Asks for Forgiveness (phoenixsphere.com)
- Moving Forward Through Pain~ Healing After a Relationship with a Cluster B Personality (phoenixsphere.com)