The Allure of the Cluster B Mindfuck


Humpty Dumpty, shown as a riddle with answer, ...

Humpty Dumpty, shown as a riddle with answer, in a 1902 Mother Goose story book by William Wallace Denslow (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Twenty months after my relationship with a man with both Narcissistic and Anti Social Personality disorders ended, I’m still trying to put reality back together again.

I feel like Humpty Dumpty after the fall. The moment that my lover’s lies began to unravel, gaining speed exponentially, I fell from my wall of delusion. Then, I spent over a year lying on the ground in a condition I can only describe as emotional paralysis. Next I staggered around, trying to make sense of what had happened to me.

In what I hope is my recovery, I keep getting tangled up in this idea of soul mates. Of course, it is the concept of soul mates which caused me to lower my guard and be taken in by the manipulative liar for the second time in my life.

He and I seemed to share such closeness which I have never shared with anyone before. Yet, it turned out to not be closeness after all; he was play acting at being my perfect mate in order to woo me and win my love. He had this way of seeming to be right inside my head. However, towards the end, when I was wondering what was going on while he was devaluing me, one thing which I noticed  was how very far away he seemed. Also, I had noticed that his mind/soul which had been initially completely open to me, had slowly closed down, making him seem more of a stranger during each of our last visits.

“How could he be the love of my life?” My brain reasons with my heart. “If he simply switched his affections from me to his new girlfriend? If he was making love to us both with the same passionate intensity?”

I lived without him for twenty years and yet, once he came back into my life, he filled me completely so that I felt never alone, and wondered how I could have existed those long years without him.

Now, all these many months into my recovery from his psychological abuse, lies, manipulation and cheating, I still find myself missing him. We live 100 miles apart and so we spent tens of thousands of minutes on the phone. We spoke constantly. Now I realize that for much of the relationship, he was inventing outings with friends which were really sexual encounters with his new girlfriend. When he called me up around dinner on Sunday evenings after an afternoon ‘watching football’, he’d actually been fucking Lisa. It is so bizarre to think about, because then he and I would ‘spend’ Sunday evenings ‘together’ on the phone. First we’d watch 60 Minutes and then Nature.

When I’d first discovered his betrayal, I assumed Lisa  knew about me. I’m not so sure anymore. Of course, she knew that he’d been dating me, but I’m guessing that during our ‘fight’ in May a couple years ago, he told her that he was finished with me. And that’s when he first went to bed with her. So when he picked it back up with me in June, he had the plan of stringing us both along. It’s amazing. Only victims of Cluster B types can understand how much time is spent in the aftermath trying to sort out all these details and figure out what actually happened, who knew what, and how much was lies and manipulation.

There are days when I feel fine. My life is picking up in exciting ways. My career is moving forward. I am trying new activities and getting back into shape. And yet, there are times when I feel so alone without him, but I am realizing that it is not him that I miss but the feeling of not being alone.

This is the allure of the Cluster B Mindfuck. The Cluster B personality enters your life and quickly establishes intimacy with you. This intimacy, which turns out to be an illusion, makes you feel like you are closer to the Cluster B person than to anyone else on the planet. You new lover ‘gets into’ your head; he knows your favorite songs, buys you jewelry with your favorite stones, praises all that is unique about you.

However, you can eventually tell that this is false intimacy when he devalues and discards you and moves on to his next victim/lover. He will use the same bag of tricks with her, producing in her the same feeling of deep connection.

“Alright”, my heart says to my brain, “If this was false intimacy, then what is real intimacy?”

The truth is, that if you have spent many years ‘in love’ with a Cluster B personality, then you may have a very hard time answering this question.

I still don’t know the answer.

Namaste,

Ixchel

17 thoughts on “The Allure of the Cluster B Mindfuck

  1. Thanks for being brave enough to share this. Reading your experience is helping me to clarify one of my relationships. I knew something wasn’t quite right, but couldn’t figure out what was wrong, so figured it was me.

    He used to say that he mirrored me. I took it as such a compliment. I loved him, and he mirrored that love back. No. He gave me what I wanted by mirroring back. I unconsciously fed him the lied that sounded so perfect coming from him.

    “I am realizing that it is not him that I miss but the feeling of not being alone.” Yes! That’s exactly what it was!

    It took years to pull myself together, and truly leave him behind. At least now I can be gentler with myself. The shame wasn’t me believing in love; the shame was him taking advantage of the love I offered.

    • Perhaps those of us who grew up with narcissistic parents have a warped idea of intimacy and so we seek out cluster b partners. This idea keeps running through my mind as I try to understand why I feel alone, and why his love seemed ‘perfect’ although I know it was a fraud.

    • Perhaps those of us who grew up with narcissistic parents have a warped idea of intimacy and so we seek out cluster b partners. This idea keeps running through my mind as I try to understand why I feel alone, and why his love seemed ‘perfect’ although I know it was a fraud.

  2. Oh….I don’t even want to know how long it’s been for either of you.
    It WILL be 3 weeks this Tuesday for me.
    One of many runs but I know, it’s his last run….from me….for now, anyway.
    As I mentioned in another post, I read the 5 stages and we’re in the 5th and final stage and it is LITerally, filling me with anxiety and lonliness that I never knew possible.
    Yesterday was day SIX for me….day SIX of not calling/texting HIM.
    But I screwed that up.
    My text IT’S DAY 6, NOT 5 🙂 to my BFF, was sent to HIM as that was where I was checking the date from.
    I texted a REALLY nasty text following that to say he was the last person on earth I meant to text with that still, secret HOPE..that he’d text/call me back.
    NOT in step FIVE!!!
    (I hope leaving a link to that article on the bottom is allowed~VERY VERY helpful!)
    I know, once I get passed this 5th step, I will be strong enough and proud enough to NEVER go back. (?)
    I’m withdrawing from him as I have many of my bad habits….one of them being drinking.
    That was 18 years ago this August and THAT was a CAKE walk compared to this. 😦
    To quit drinking was MY choice, MY control.
    I was so out of control with this (all 100 🙂 breakup/s.

    That’s where I think it all grew to a head.
    He needed to STAY in CONTROL and I wouldn’t let him.
    The last VM I left, I told him I that I KNEW about his last gf in 08 and the credit cards he maxed out of hers.
    I told him I knew that although there were no long term relationships between the one from ’03 and ’08, that there were SO manymanymanymany different women coming and going….all the time.

    OOPS…did I say too much? or did I finally say what I needed to…to gain back some of my control?
    I’d love to think that he lost some of his but come on, we dated 1.4 years (minus about 3 months of “running” which I will never understand why I put up with a man who was 57, acting like a 7 year old at best) but we literally had sex every day we were together.
    That was how we always “made-up” too.
    He’d call, I’d run, we’d have sex and there was never another mention of what just went down.

    I ALLOWED IT.
    That I will be forever ashamed of.
    I just PRAY that I am ashamed of being treated like shit as much as I was ashamed of falling on my face from drinking at 32.

    Thank you SO much for this BLOG, Ixchel!
    Here’s the link~I hope you find it as helpful (in a sad but the truth hurts kind of help.)
    http://www.sarahtateauthor.com/cluster-b%27s.html

    • Thank you for sharing your devastating story. Blessings on you and prayers coming your way. Hang in there and try to take good care of yourself. I will be keeping you in my prayers from now on. Please feel free to check in again.

      Namaste,

      Ixchel

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  4. I dedicated a post to you and tried to link your post but it appears broken. Do you have a shortlink I can use? If not, I will link your site homepage or try to reblog it somewhere in the post. That should work.

  5. Wondering…my BFF has ALso gone through the same exact thing (thank God for the support! Sorry to be, at many times, a disappointment doing the exact opposite as I was told! LOL)
    so…..we’ve been non-stop talking and we’re both wondering (because this is how I explained it to her and she agreed 100% about her Masked Man.)……
    I can get OVER me allowing him to be degrading, Un Mannered, , re-neg on loans, take everything from me, emotionally and physically if…….I/WE didn’t imagine the bond in sex….DID we???? and HOW could THAT be??
    I’ve ruffled someone’s hair once and immediately felt the static of DON’T TOUCH MY HAIR or (I hate you in MY mind.)
    If that’s the case, (because I NEVER felt a dis-connect from him in THAT way~EVER~And I felt NO STATIC…just pure LOVE. (???)
    “They” can’t POSSIBLY fake it enough to pull the wool over MY (OUR) eyes in THAT aspect….can they????

    **I haven’t read whole blogs yet to see if this question is repeated so I hope that’s ok!**

    • If there is any advice I can give you, GayeLynn, because it is an ego boost (or narcissistic supply) for your x… You need to stop communicating with him. Go silent, but keep ALL records of each time he calls or texts you. Once you stop, he will probably panic, and begin again. The best retaliation is letting your X SEE and HEAR you are HAPPY! I don’t mean heading to his house and telling him how and why you are happy (you might need to fake it for a while, until you truly feel it), but believe me…he isn’t just ‘gone’ completely. He’s making sure his manipulations have been, and still are, working on you. He has people who believe in and trust him. They will let him know how you are doing, without realizing that they are, in a sense, furthering his abuse of you. Narcissists and Psychopaths don’t just disappear. Believe ME! you definitely want them to.

      When the relationship ends, you are left grasping at straws. Its like you have fallen off a cliff, all of a sudden. Call your friends. Write in your blog. Write your thoughts and feelings, privately if you want…but I recommend calling your closest friend. She (or he) will give you that daily strength you need to completely sever from the predator. Then, start moving forward. Remember, lions are beautiful but they are still predators that will lie in the grass, waiting for the opportune moment to attack.

  6. In a repost I did a while back, called, “Toxic Shock” (http://lifebegins45.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/toxic-shock-by-zombies-du-jour/), Zombie describes EVERYTHING my X did on a regular basis. When I first found this entry, I was shocked…here was my entire relationship with the monster. Someone “gets” it. He did the shock and eek campaign, which left me feeling disjointed, shocked and questioning, “where the hell did THAT come from?”. I learned later that this is a step of brainwashing. When I started really realizing what I was dealing with, though I hadn’t come to the conclusion that mine, in deed, was a Psychopath, I started questioning or showing signs of understanding, then he would pull out the flowers… the last of this was a path of petals, (when I showed up to his house after work), leading from the door, all the way to the next room. Other times he would just be sweet and I would feel like I, again, was wrong about him. Once that phase was done, he began again. If he wasn’t being accusatory, he put me on ignore…absolute ignore. I didn’t exist several times, and without provocation or warning. He didn’t acknowledge my existence in any way. I would try to hold his hand and he would sit there like a board. Thinking I may have inadvertently done something wrong. (With him, it could be anything…real or not…and never anything actual). While I was doing my best at that time to be sweet, caring and understanding, he would snap, “are you talking to anyone about us? I’ll know if you are. You’d better not be…” or, anything else that would catch his attention, or perceived attention.

    I remember one last attempt to try and hold a normal conversation with him. I was describing an older house I rented when I first came to the town I currently live in. It had a 6 foot hedge all around the front yard, and down one side into the back yard. I was telling him about having to try to trim that. Out of nowhere he snapped, “I don’t want to hear about the house where you lived with 6 other guys!” We were having a decent day. No fighting, though I WAS totally silent whenever I was around him. His incessant barrage created that, in me. I was afraid to say anything to him, or anyone else in my life or at work, about anything at all. First of all, NO! I didn’t have 6 different guys living with me, EVER! And, this was 4 years before I ever MET my monster! As he was good at getting me to do, I let my guard down, then he would strike like the friggen snake in the grass. He was setting me up, yet again. I was seeing signs, and learning his behaviors, manner of speaking, etc. when he was scheming, or setting things up for a scheme. He ALWAYS made my skin crawl when he would direct a line of conversation. It was always pointed, and with a purpose. He tried to get me to say certain things (as with my love for singing, for instance)…trying to get a word or phrase he could use against me, either then and there, or utilize it for a scheme later on.

    I suppose what I have tried to say with all of that…we were all duped. We were all the good “guys” who trusted and believed in our X’s. We were lied to. We were all part of an elaborate hoax…a scheme…and we were a means to an end, for them. None of us did anything to invite it, other than being who we have always been. Sweet women, who wouldn’t hurt a fly. Nothing EVER to be ashamed of. Mine also controlled me in the bedroom. I told him my boundaries. He ignored them. I let him, for fear of furthering his crap. This is an area I am now very ashamed of. So ashamed that I can’t allow anyone any closeness what-so-ever. It’s like I was a willing rape victim. At the same time, he tore me down, destroying any pride or joy I ever had in the act of intimacy. He was good at destroying me.

    Sorry for the extra long post.

  7. Pingback: Victims no Longer - Summer Said PressSummer Said Press

  8. I’ve been in a relationship with a sociopath for 5 years now, since I was 16. Immediately I fell in love. I knew something wasn’t normal with him. I could never explain the way I felt or why I felt that way. Everybody wanted to know why I’d leave and go back again and again. The typical relationship with a socio. Until a year ago. He always was using some sort of substance. I was starting to use with him before I knew it we moved on from the pills and moved on to heroin. Soon we were shooting it up every day. We were physically addicted. A dear friend was at my house with us and ended up overdosing this was the second time in my house within the month because of my socio. The last time was his bestfriend. He later died in my arms. Things weren’t handled correctly and I don’t know why but long story short the socio had dropped his bestfriend off by a dumpster at my mother’s place of work. 2 weeks later the socio, my mother and I were arrested for concealing a death. We’ve all been released, but still have to go to trials. Were facing murder charges. my mom was fired. The hole tri county area wants us dead. I lost everything including my house. I came home yesterday to an empty house. My mom with her bed on the floor everything else gone. I just found out what was wrong with my socio. Yesterday we got in a fight and I physically cannot do it any longer. I left. I told him I was leaving. I hated him. I won’t be back. He said love you see you tomorrow. I truly believe he is in love in his sick twisted way. I’m numb. I can’t cope. I’m alone and paranoid I have nobody. Nobody understands what the Hell is going on in my mind. I believe he’s drove me to be insane. I just want to have the one person I was so comfortable with. When it was good it’s great but when it’s bad it’s awful.

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