I feel like Humpty Dumpty after the fall. The moment that my lover’s lies began to unravel, gaining speed exponentially, I fell from my wall of delusion. Then, I spent over a year lying on the ground in a condition I can only describe as emotional paralysis. Next I staggered around, trying to make sense of what had happened to me.
In what I hope is my recovery, I keep getting tangled up in this idea of soul mates. Of course, it is the concept of soul mates which caused me to lower my guard and be taken in by the manipulative liar for the second time in my life.
He and I seemed to share such closeness which I have never shared with anyone before. Yet, it turned out to not be closeness after all; he was play acting at being my perfect mate in order to woo me and win my love. He had this way of seeming to be right inside my head. However, towards the end, when I was wondering what was going on while he was devaluing me, one thing which I noticed was how very far away he seemed. Also, I had noticed that his mind/soul which had been initially completely open to me, had slowly closed down, making him seem more of a stranger during each of our last visits.
“How could he be the love of my life?” My brain reasons with my heart. “If he simply switched his affections from me to his new girlfriend? If he was making love to us both with the same passionate intensity?”
I lived without him for twenty years and yet, once he came back into my life, he filled me completely so that I felt never alone, and wondered how I could have existed those long years without him.
Now, all these many months into my recovery from his psychological abuse, lies, manipulation and cheating, I still find myself missing him. We live 100 miles apart and so we spent tens of thousands of minutes on the phone. We spoke constantly. Now I realize that for much of the relationship, he was inventing outings with friends which were really sexual encounters with his new girlfriend. When he called me up around dinner on Sunday evenings after an afternoon ‘watching football’, he’d actually been fucking Lisa. It is so bizarre to think about, because then he and I would ‘spend’ Sunday evenings ‘together’ on the phone. First we’d watch 60 Minutes and then Nature.
When I’d first discovered his betrayal, I assumed Lisa knew about me. I’m not so sure anymore. Of course, she knew that he’d been dating me, but I’m guessing that during our ‘fight’ in May a couple years ago, he told her that he was finished with me. And that’s when he first went to bed with her. So when he picked it back up with me in June, he had the plan of stringing us both along. It’s amazing. Only victims of Cluster B types can understand how much time is spent in the aftermath trying to sort out all these details and figure out what actually happened, who knew what, and how much was lies and manipulation.
There are days when I feel fine. My life is picking up in exciting ways. My career is moving forward. I am trying new activities and getting back into shape. And yet, there are times when I feel so alone without him, but I am realizing that it is not him that I miss but the feeling of not being alone.
This is the allure of the Cluster B Mindfuck. The Cluster B personality enters your life and quickly establishes intimacy with you. This intimacy, which turns out to be an illusion, makes you feel like you are closer to the Cluster B person than to anyone else on the planet. You new lover ‘gets into’ your head; he knows your favorite songs, buys you jewelry with your favorite stones, praises all that is unique about you.
However, you can eventually tell that this is false intimacy when he devalues and discards you and moves on to his next victim/lover. He will use the same bag of tricks with her, producing in her the same feeling of deep connection.
“Alright”, my heart says to my brain, “If this was false intimacy, then what is real intimacy?”
The truth is, that if you have spent many years ‘in love’ with a Cluster B personality, then you may have a very hard time answering this question.
I still don’t know the answer.
- Cluster B Relationship Blow Up (phoenixsphere.com)
- It Gets Better (phoenixsphere.com)
- Ending a Relationship With a Pathological Liar (phoenixsphere.com)
- Red Flags- Recognizing the Danger Signs BEFORE you Get Involved With a Pathological Lover (phoenixsphere.com)
- What if Your Soul Mate has ASPD (Anti Social Personality Disorder)? (phoenixsphere.com)