The Path To Peace-Recovery From Psychopathic Manipulation and Abuse


This AMAZING post has been republished with permission from the author of the Facebook page, “The Path to Peace- Recovery From Psychotic Manipulation and Abuse” (http://www.facebook.com/hercules48).

Enjoy,

Ixchel

“I have something weighing heavily on my heart…two things really…Recovery is lost when we continue to see the pathological as having had any “humane” or “human” hearted qualities that involve anything more than what a predator is or does, throughout the relationship. Please pay attention to this:

He/she was, is and forever WILL BE incapable of loving you. Whatever you shared between you WAS NOT REAL. What you felt was real, whatever he/she told you, did, said, was, WAS ALL A LIE, A FACADE, A MANIPULATION, A MIND FUCK. In order to heal, you MUST understand this with your ENTIRE BEING. You MUST find a way to accept this and write it ALL OVER THE CORNERS OF YOUR MIND AND YOUR SOUL. If it was anything you perceived as sincere or kind, that was MANIPULATION. If you perceived their blame, projection, abuse as having ANYTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH ANYTHING YOU SAID OR DID, IT IS A LIE. This IS what they want you to do. THEY WANT YOU TO ACCEPT SHAME AND BLAME. ANd it’s so much easier to do that, than it is to accept that this “person” FAKED an entire relationship with you to get what they wanted out of you. THAT IS ALL. NOTHING MORE.

In taking inventory of my part in my relationship with my ex, the SECOND I projected, attributed ANY scene between us, any “emotion” i perceived he was feeling, as some sort of “soul” connection, even in a sick and twisted way, I FORFEITED MY TRUE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK AT ME AND JUST INVITED THE BASTARD BACK INTO MY WORLD AND ACCEPTED HIS SHAME…AGAIN!

True inventory looks something like this: “I reacted to my abuser this way because______.” and/or, “I was prey for my predatory abuser because it was familiar”…
“What were the red flags about my ABUSER that I missed?”
“I stayed in the relationship because I had NO self esteem, NO boundaries, etc”.

WHAT about any of that, has ANYTHING to do with HIM, other than that I was PREY? When you continue to humanize your ex and the relationship, you are still hanging onto a non existent fantasy in your head. These people are not capable of ONE OUNCE OF AUTHENTIC, GENUINE EXCHANGE OR LOVE. IT WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU AND IT ISN’T NOW, but YOUR HEALING AND WHY, WHY, WHY you were there and WHY you stayed ARE.

The longer you hang onto a sentence, an emotion, an act of what you perceive as sincerity or love for you, or some “connection” shared, you will NOT heal from this. It’s a guarantee. Absolutely.

I realize how incredibly difficult, and probably the most challenging of all, it is to understand, accept and FULLY INTEGRATE that whatever exchanges you had, WERE NOT SHARED BY THIS PERSON. EVER. It was a GAME to them. Whatever PERCEIVED SUFFERING out of them was MANIPULATION. These people are EXCELLENT at the pity party. This is DRAMA they created and DRAMA you keep moving through your head like a Hollywood screen play. STOP. THE. DRAMA.

You shared nothing but a pathological bond. That’s it. A TRAUMA BOND. I think I need to put the trauma bond signs up again. The SICKNESS in us, is our PARTICIPATION (but WHY) and that when we are out, we LONG for it. We reminisce in a way that makes them somehow HUMAN. If our connection to them was not going to be a soul mate status in love, it will be a soul mate status in sickness? do you SEE how unhealthy that is??

Here is what is helping me tremendously: While I call him my ex while speaking on here, in my head, this man is MY ABUSER. HE IS MY EX PSYCHOPATH. HE USED ME. HURT ME. MANIPULATED AND MIND FUCKED ME. WHAT AM I “LONGING” FOR? MORE PAIN? WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM? WHY DO I THINK I WANT MY ABUSER BACK? WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS CLEARLY MENTALLY ILL AND RISK MY LIFE, MY HEART, MY FINANCES, MY GENITALIA TO A PSYCHOPATH?

THAT IS WHAT IT REALLY WAS!!!

I understand how badly you want to hang onto one glimmer of ANYTHING that remotely resembles a ‘soul” connection to the predator, but that isn’t possible. It never was. People who are capable of love, care and kindness, do not do what these people do. This is part of the SLIME you are left with and what they HOPE you take with you…this belief that even one second in the relationship meant a damned thing. IT DIDN’T. IT DID NOT.

I know how excrutiating this is. I understand what a deep and traumatizing wound it is, but unless you LET GO OF THIS FANTASY OF SOUL CONNECTION, GOOD OR BAD< YOU WILL NOT HEAL. And you won’t get to the truth of your part in it.

We were exploited. There wasn’t anything about any of us, and our abusers that didn’t SPELL EXPLOITATION for them. NOTHING.

Sincerity, love, hope, caring, passion, predictability, kindness, compassion, all of those BEAUTIFUL things in a relationship, WERE NEVER THERE WITH THEM.

Haven’t you all experienced what Natalie Lu from Baggage Reclaim calls the “reset button” out of these people? You have an argument and they come back five minutes, hours or days later and pretend nothing ever happened? that EXACT thing also occurred with any “GOOD” stuff your perceiving. Most of you are out of the relationship now and while some of you are still longing, some of you moving toward the part where you are purging your own piece of this crazy assed puzzle, THEY HAVE MOVED ON AS IF YOU DON”T EXIST. They remember NOTHING of what you “shared” GOOD OR BAD. It is as if you NEVER HAPPENED. NORMAL PEOPLE DON”T DO THAT and this is why you struggle so much. You are projecting your OWN FEELINGS and PERCEPTIONS onto this person of words, scenes that happened during the relationship that meant NOTHING to them. Please work hard on this. Replace words of connection, good or bad with REALITY. When you can really do this, you will see that every single thing they ever said, did or acted upon was for the sole purpose of EXPLOITING you. NOTHING MORE.

When you can do this, you will be in a place to look at your part in it realistically, without the shame, the massive amounts of unnecessary guilt, blame, self sabotage and incrimination. do not take on what was NOT yours. Do not ACCEPT what was not YOURS to accept in the first place. Do not ROMANTICIZE them in the slightest. GOOD OR BAD.

My ex is an abusive psychopath. A predator. A reptilian BRAIN. A snake. My ex abusive psychopath, USED, MANIPULATED, EXPLOITED, LIED TO ME, MIND FUCKED ME, CHEATED ON ME AND GAVE ME AN STD.

THAT was the reality as far as he is concerned.

Here’s mine now: What on earth made me prey for a predator? Why was I attracted to an abuser? What in my life, in my past, needs healing, BADLY? Why didn’t I have boundaries? Why didn’t i have self esteem? Why did I IGNORE the red flags? Was this familiar to me? If so, WHY? How can I make sure that this NEVER, EVER happens to me again? And so on….

I’m being repetitive here. This is so important to recovery and is a pivotal point in it, because the closer you REALLY GET to pulling up YOUR CRAP is when your brain is going to want to mosey on back to your ABUSER and romanticize it all….
You see part of recognizing your darkness is to understand why it was there in the first place. Whatever went on in the relationship, was manifesting that darkness inside of you. Ironically, this has NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM AT ALL. This will happen with each and every human being that has the GREATEST MISFORTUNE OF CROSSING THEIR PATH. They will play out the pathological crazy assed mind fuck with EVERY single victim.

You will not. Whatever you did in the relationship, from lying, to reacting, to sexual deviancy, to physically abusing back,…whatever you did in the relationship in response to the bond, you MUST FORGIVE YOURSELF. YOU MUST understand that while you were “there” in the physical sense, that when you are in a pathological, very sick relationship with a very sick human being, there is NO WAY you are not going to become sick IN IT. THe gift lies in being OUT OF IT. The gift is that you have empathy. The gift is that you no longer have to do any of those things that you did in the relationship. You must look at this REALISTICALLY so you can heal. Even if there are pieces of the “darkness” left in you after this, give yourself A BREAK and some TIME to deal with it. Whatever you did in the relationship is not because you are a bad person. It’s because you were WITH a very bad person. This distinction MUST be made so you can look at your stuff without the temptation of moving into drama mode about them and that somehow this was YOUR doing. We ALL make mistakes, and as long as we are here we will continue too. We are human beings, IMPERFECT. But the difference is that we LEARN from it, GROW from it, GAIN INSIGHT FROM IT AND NEVER LET IT OR WANT IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN.

Please think about this. Turn the drama and fantasy on its head…so let’s start with a little honesty and reality shall we? …

My ex was an abusive psychopath, narc, sociopath…..

Onward and upward….”

22 thoughts on “The Path To Peace-Recovery From Psychopathic Manipulation and Abuse

  1. Yes, this is excellent. We fell victim to PREDATORS. We did this because we have a chink, perhaps quite small, in our armour from our childhoods.That IS NOT our faults. They were able to do this and we were unable to see or accept the red flags, because they are VERY good at what they do. Professionals. THEY DO IT FOR A LIVING IXCHEL. And have done it before and will again. We are free. We have won and escaped with the rest of our blessed, beautiful, passionate and empathic lives. Where monsters do not live.

  2. Amazing post! I relate, I remember… this sparks so many thoughts and memories for me…all at once…i can’t begin to express anything, here. Your battle, here, as well as admonition to all of us to forgive ourselves for however we needed to conduct ourselves while under that psychological-abusive bond, is something we ABSOLUTELY need to hear. It’s a difficult transition from understanding what we went through, what makes us targets, and what we allowed out of a type of survival instinct, to finally be able to forgive ourselves for it all. The shame is unbearable. I’m still fighting that one.

  3. Reblogged this on my “Divorcing a Psychopath” blog on WordPress! Thank you so very much, how very difficult it is to explain these monsters to those who have never had the displeasure/horror of dealing with one. Truly, it makes little sense, yet, for those of us who have survived it, who will continue to survive it, this article is PERFECT!!!

    Now, what are we to do about the children we have made with such predators, these predators seem to procreate at warped speed, leaving many women and children alone, to yet again find another host to reduce and use? Are the children to find out on their own, these children of monsters, and will they ever have the ability to stop seeing their father as so very victimized before it is too late?

    My children are young, innocent and impressionable, he lies better than I can tell the truth. How can we warn them, protect them, when the monster is within (as he has 20% parenting time with mine), how can we care for them properly, (I thank g-d every day that my children are sweet and compassionate, and show no signs of such pathologies) as I assume over time, he too will see them as “bad objects” as he did me? When he can no longer feed off of them, via extension of ego, or in his usual parasitic way, what then?

    What happens to children of such beasts, when they find out that one of their parents is without a soul? Without the ability to feel shame, remorse, empathy, conscience? I have gotten away, rid myself of the beast/cancer/disease, but, my children have not, and this to me is worse than being with him/it/monster carcass myself. I knew what I was leaving, precisely why I stayed, they are with him 20% of the time for visitation, I can neither sleep or eat, or function well knowing this.

    I filed for divorce because he was outwardly leading a double life, exposing the children to it. I NEVER thought he’d want the children as he had NEVER, ever paid any attention to them. He wants them only for show as trinkets, trophies, etc., and or to cause me pain and continued fear. I fear the day he harms them, the day he starts using them, the day they find out about him, the day that I must explain the pathology.

    Thank you, Sunnabelle

  4. Hard hitting and hits me right where I “used” to live. I have come to accept what he is and that the marriage we shared was not important to him, it was something he saw he would get out of as soon as something bigger and better came his way. He married for show and he has moved on. Moved on while still married to me. Still with this other woman and I struggle still in my head that the things I hear and see between him and this woman are real and happier and yes, healthier. I really struggle with this part of it. The thought that he could go on with his life with this new person and make it wonderful where I was left almost destroyed. This woman is very wealthy and and has a bit of status in the community from a former husband so I think my ex monster likes this and wants this in his life. He gave up the show of marriage and family to have her and her world so will he be able to keep this mask on for long period of time or is it a mask at all with her? This is my question that holds me back from living my happier free from controlling person life!!

    • To Wounded: I’d say it’s all just another ‘good’ show.
      I’ve struggled with the same thoughts for several years – that my abuser’s new shiny life with his new piece of skirt is perfect and so therefore the problem was/is me. It’s now dawning on me that it’s all for effect. Abusive, manipulative individuals are masters in the art of pulling other people’s strings and getting others to make them look ‘great’. And if this doesn’t work or starts to fail, they have another game plan up their sleeves. Abusers of this sort always have a very loaded and hidden agenda and very often do come out of situations completely unscathed because they already have an exit strategy before they’ve even entered into a relationship of any sort .Unlike you and me, they don’t ever really invest in anything and therefore can’t ever really get hurt so they always appear to be ‘winning’. I’m now glad that I can feel pain, however hard it is, because at least that makes me human and capable of experiencing things and people in a way that an abuser can’t.

  5. The last paragraph made me cry and touched my soul more than the past year of therapy. Thank you for writing. I don’t know where you are, but I’ve connected with you through this. Bless the internet.

    2years of being with an emotional abuser was enough to make me question everything about myself but I’m learning to love myself again and get myself back, and he will have nothing. Remember ladies (and gents), they will always have nothing, because people will eventually smell their shit, and run away from the stench.

  6. Thank you. I still go back and forth all the time blaming myself. Almost every other day, I second guess what I know is true every time I read a post like this. It’s as if you were looking into a window of my life and stole the scene, almost every last detail.

    I want to move on and never let this happen again. I agree that I need to give up the fantasy. Thank you for helping me get one day closer to that goal.

    • Thanks for writing. The situation I write about in this blog ended nearly four years ago and I just blamed myself again five minutes ago. Hard to let go of the tendency to blame oneself.
      Good luck
      Ixchel

  7. I am the victim of a psychopathic emotional manipulator.

    Thank you so much for writing this so that I can get my foot on the first stepping stone to healing. Congratulations to myself for giving myself the gift of getting out of that marriage 7 years ago.

    Fuck him. And I wish for the healing of anyone who comes in his path in the future and give them the foresight to get out of it as soon as possible.

  8. Great post!
    I just got out of a very toxic and manipulative relationship. I blamed myself for everything that occurred and I felt no end to the shame and sorrow I was experiencing. Then a friend gave me the key and directed my attention to manipulation. You couldn’t believe how quickly my sorrows and shame disappeared after discovering I was in no way to blame!

    I found out the hard way how absolutely fake this relationship was when I talked to a previous lover of hers and discovered tons of common lies she was spewing out, how she made us feel special with empty words, how she manipulated with empty promises and how similar rendezvous occurred and how they were her ‘first time doing that’ and here to find out they were not.

    More horrifyingly, this individual has a minor degree in psychology which makes me wonder if she is a psychopath or borderline personality disorder or such. In the end, the best philosophy is to treat EVERYTHING said, EVERYTHING done and EVERYTHING shared as an absolute lie. It will hurt. It sucks. But it’s the best course of action.

    Ponder past events only to learn from them, not to commiserate over them. They don’t deserve that attention in your mind. Keep reading and researching on manipulation! Forearmed is Forewarned!

  9. I’m glad to read this. I have known these things but I needed to be reminded.
    I’ve lost my whole family as did my husband. They were sociopaths and we had gone a totally different direction because of us both deciding to live for God before we met. There’s still more wreckage to clean up but Im so glad we can give our children a real family. All people are born precious and having their own God given value.

  10. Ive lost everything – friends, family , job , my health both physical and mental — i have to read this everyday but my ex narcassist( i think he maybe ) is so happy with the new woman – he told me so and said hed never cheat on her . The pain and hurt in my soul and body is unbearable . I read recovery and healing everyday from everywhere hoping my cognitive dissonance will disappear and i can find peace .

    • It takes a long time to recover from these things. It’s not something that we get any preparation for in advance. Be easy on yourself and try to engage yourself in activities that you enjoy. Blessings, Ixchel

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