It has been over two years since his mask fell off and I found out that he was deceiving me about everything. I first met this man when I was 18 and we had a long and complicated relationship which included marriage when we were young and a child who is now grown up.
Two years ago, I was completely devastated as I believed that this man was my soul mate and I could not believe his betrayal.
The first twelve months after the relationship ended was extremely difficult and took a lot out of me on different levels. However, I was able to recover with the help of counseling, friends, focusing on work and taking up new interests.
I now recognize my feelings of love for this man as a disease which afflicted me for twenty-five years. Perhaps my ‘falling’ for this man and believing his lies is a symptom of an inner weakness inside me. Perhaps my weakness for this man was the equivalent to an emotional vitamin deficiency. Or, it could be something deeper.
Just as my broken heart was beginning to heal, I did something that I’d never done before; I visited a palm reader. She told me that I was ‘moving out of many years of bad karma with men.’ This experience caused me to examine the situation in a new light. Perhaps the whole relationship could be explained by something that happened in a past life.
I know that not everyone believes in such things. I don’t expect my readers to. But this explanation was helpful to me; it caused me to put the hurt away into a drawer labeled, ‘Bad Karma’, and shut the drawer closed. And then, I walked away.
I have been lucky in many regards in terms of my relationship with this man, who is certainly ASPD (Anti Social Personality Disorder.) First, I took my child away from him at a very young age and saved her from his influence during childhood. Due to this very difficult decision which rendered me poor for many years ( I never filed for child support to keep him away from us), we also never had to contend with him in court. Second, I was never entangled with him financially. Finally, he does not live near me, so once I broke it off with him after our second relationship (in our forties), I could cut off contact completely. I have not returned to the town where he lives and where I spent so much time as a child. I never have to worry about running into him at the supermarket.
However, I do not believe that I am completely cured of this vitamin deficiency of the heart which caused me to love him and to believe that what he was offering me was actually love instead of poison. If he were to appear in my life again and try to woo me with apologies, gifts and constant attention, I do not know that I would be immune. Intellectually I think that I would be able to tell him to take a hike. But emotionally, yes, if he showed up, there would be a strong pull at my heart. And perhaps this is all just bad karma or delusion. But I must be aware that I probably have this disease for life and protect myself against succumbing to it again. My plan is to never see him again. My plan is to dance on his grave.