Bad Karma or Disease of the Heart?


karma koma

karma koma (Photo credit: PixLjUicE23)

It has been over two years since his mask fell off and I found out that he was deceiving me about everything. I first met this man when I was 18 and we had a long and complicated relationship which included marriage when we were young and a child who is now grown up.

Two years ago, I was completely devastated as I believed that this man was my soul mate and I could not believe his betrayal.

The first twelve months after the relationship ended was extremely difficult and took a lot out of me on different levels. However, I was able to recover with the help of counseling, friends, focusing on work and taking up new interests.

I now recognize my feelings of love for this man as a disease which afflicted me for twenty-five years. Perhaps my ‘falling’ for this man and believing his lies is a symptom of an inner weakness inside me. Perhaps my weakness for this man was the equivalent to an emotional vitamin deficiency. Or, it could be something deeper.

Just as my broken heart was beginning to heal, I did something that I’d never done before; I visited a palm reader. She told me that I was ‘moving out of many years of bad karma with men.’  This experience caused me to examine the situation in a new light. Perhaps the whole relationship could be explained by something that happened in a past life.

I know that not everyone believes in such things. I don’t expect my readers to. But this explanation was helpful to me; it caused me to put the hurt away into a drawer labeled, ‘Bad Karma’, and shut the drawer closed. And then, I walked away.

I have been lucky in many regards in terms of my relationship with this man, who is certainly ASPD (Anti Social Personality Disorder.) First, I took my child away from him at a very young age and saved her from his influence during childhood. Due to this very difficult decision which rendered me poor for many years ( I never filed for child support to keep him away from us), we also never had to contend with him in court. Second, I was never entangled with him financially. Finally, he does not live near me, so once I broke it off with him after our second relationship (in our forties), I could cut off contact completely. I have not returned to the town where he lives and where I spent so much time as a child. I never have to worry about running into him at the supermarket.

However, I do not believe that I am completely cured of this vitamin deficiency of the heart which caused me to love him and to believe that what he was offering me was actually love instead of poison. If he were to appear in my life again and try to woo me with apologies, gifts and constant attention, I do not know that I would be immune. Intellectually I think that I would be able to tell him to take a hike.  But emotionally, yes, if he showed up, there would be a strong pull at my heart. And perhaps this is all just bad karma or delusion. But I must be aware that I probably have this disease for life and protect myself against succumbing to it again. My plan is to never see him again. My plan is to dance on his grave.

2 thoughts on “Bad Karma or Disease of the Heart?

  1. Interesting perspective. I’ve also reached some conclusions that may or may not be valid but they have helped me find peace and that is enough. The best part about karma? It can change and it is under your influence:)

  2. Dear Phoenix Rising,
    I have enjoyed reading your amazingly honest and probing-into-the-abyss blogs over the last few months. The description of your long term relationship with Difficult Man is very familiar to me and I can very much relate to it as I have a knack of picking guys just like that. And yes, the man I have been seeing for the last 7 years does feel like my soul mate and yes, he is totally on about himself, and he treats me badly and seems to have literally no concept of how much pain this causes me. It’s phenomenal!
    What I want to say, is that through some study I have been doing, I have come across the work of Andre Green, a psychoanalyst, who writes about ‘The Dead Mother’. Without going into too much detail, his idea is that if an infant’s primary caregiver is present in body but emotionally absent (e.g.depressed, narcissistic or often absent), that infant is conditioned to tolerate relationships that repeat this pattern. Green suggests, that once grown into an adult, these people are attracted to intimate relationships with lovers who cannot meet their emotional needs and that this is, in a sense, keeping watch at the grave of their ‘dead’ mother. The craving for the love of the Difficult Man is really a craving for the nurture and love of the ‘dead’ mother.

    I don’t know if this helps, but it has made a lot of sense to me and very much relates to my reality. I have a mother who presents well, but underneath she is entirely focussed on her own frantic need to fill some gulf within herself and she uses me as her child, mercilessly in that quest. It’s not something she is conscious of and she is totally bewildered when I refuse to act in the role she has assigned me from birth- ‘everything you do is to help me survive’ – is the way she sees it. Consequently I am attracted to men who have exactly the same deep neediness going on- I am like a moth to the flame around this type of person, it’s amazing when I stand back and think about just how many connections I have had with this type of person through my life.

    Whether it’s karma or not, it is a really tough call in life, but the more you can get aware of what is really going on in the real world, the more informed and life-affirming choices you can make for yourself and your family.

    Sorry this got so long. 🙂

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