Thirty months have passed since I ended a relationship with a pathological liar with sociopath tendencies. For the most part, I am far removed from the relationship now. I can go a few days in a row without thinking about it. I remember when it was impossible to even get through a minute without thinking about it, back in the first few weeks, and of training myself to not think about him or his betrayal for five minutes, then an hour at a time. It took a long time and a lot of slow painful, draining emotional work. It has taken its toll on my spirit.
I think back upon that time as a traumatic event in my life from which I am still recovering. The term ‘soul damage’ repeatedly comes to mind. I am finding that similar to most traumatic events, I get triggered into thinking about it again when certain things happen in my current life. Last week, the sudden death of a friend triggered the feelings of trauma. I began to feel re- traumatized and began reliving parts of it again. The feeling of initial shock, of denial, that it was happening.
In reviewing the event this past week, I realized that the experience had made me aware, thirty months into the future, of things, mostly within myself, which I had lost through living through his betrayal. These are all things which I possessed prior to hearing from him back in 2007. Some of these things I have partially recovered and others I am still working on. Some just are gone from me, and I don’t know how to go about getting them back:
What I Lost
Faith in Life
Sense of Direction
Hope for the Future
Belief in Love
Belief in my worthiness
Belief in my dreams
Faith in my Intuition
Ability to Trust Intimately
Sense of Worth
Sense of Personal Power
Belief that I was special
Belief in my Sexuality
Faith in following my heart
Peace of Mind.
Belief in Soul Mates.
The magical feeling that my life had come full circle.
Belief in sexual partnership/sexual union between two people as being meaningful
Sense of self
Feelings of magic and wonder in the world
Sense of having my feet solidly on the ground.
Faith in myself to make the right decisions.
- Why Should We Dance? (psychologytoday.com)
- What’s your trauma? (ladybria.wordpress.com)
- Lacking Belief in Yourself (leaplikeafrog.com)
- A Systematic Review of PTSD Prevalence and Trajectories in DSM-5 Defined Trauma Exposed Populations: Intentional and Non-Intentional Traumatic Events (plosone.org)
- Separation from faith and love (starrystez.com)
- Trying to learn about liars and analyzing him and us. (paralysisanalysis.wordpress.com)