What I Lost


English: This is the title screen from the ABC...

English: This is the title screen from the ABC series Lost. Español: Este es el título principal de la serie Lost. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thirty months have passed since I ended a  relationship with a pathological liar with sociopath tendencies. For the most part, I am far removed from the relationship now. I can go a few days in a row without thinking about it. I remember when it was impossible to even get through a minute without thinking about it, back in the first few weeks, and of training myself to not think about him or his betrayal for five minutes, then an hour at a time. It took a long time and a lot of slow painful, draining emotional work. It has taken its toll on my spirit.

I think back upon that time as a traumatic event in my life from which I am still recovering. The term ‘soul damage’ repeatedly comes to mind. I am finding that similar to most traumatic events, I get triggered into thinking about it again when certain things happen in my current life. Last week, the sudden death of a friend triggered the feelings of trauma. I began to feel re- traumatized and began reliving parts of it again. The feeling of initial shock, of denial, that it was happening.

In reviewing the event this past week, I realized that the experience had made me aware, thirty months into the future, of things, mostly within myself, which I had lost through living through his betrayal. These are all things which I possessed prior to hearing from him back in 2007. Some of these things I have partially recovered and others I am still working on. Some just are gone from me, and I don’t know how to go about getting them back:

What I Lost

Self Esteem

Faith in Life

Sense of Direction

Hope for the Future

Belief in Love

Belief in my worthiness

Belief in my dreams

Faith in my Intuition

Faith in myself

Ability to Trust Intimately

Sense of Worth

Beauty

Youth

Health Physique

Sense of Personal Power

Belief that I was special

Belief in my Sexuality

Faith in following my heart

Sobriety

Peace of Mind.

Belief in Soul Mates.

The magical feeling that my life had come full circle.

Belief in sexual partnership/sexual union between two people as being meaningful

Sense of self

Feelings of magic and wonder in the world

Sense of having my feet solidly on the ground.

Faith  in myself to make the right decisions.

Namaste,

Ixchel

5 thoughts on “What I Lost

  1. This really speaks to me. Thank you for putting into words what I have felt or am still feeling. The first step to healing is acknowledging what it is, and this list helps. Keep on your journey, and don’t ever give up. You are MORE than worth it.

    • Thanks, Miss Paulette,

      I was grateful for these feelings to grow into words last week as having a list of them in front of me helps me to see concretely what I am dealing with. Although I didn’t want this catastrophe in my life, it happened, and I do need to make sure that I focus on recovery. It did happen and it did harm me but it was not my fault and there was nothing I could have done to have prevented it. My ex surfacing after 20 years was like a train wreck. It really feels like I’m finally putting myself back together, thirty months later.
      Namaste,
      Ixchel

    • I remember that feeling. All I can say is that it will eventually pass but it takes a very long time. Surround yourself with positive people and keep yourself safe. Seeing a professional therapist was vital to my recovery.

      Namaste,
      Ixchel

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