Four Years Later…

The fourth anniversary of the dark discovery of my ex’s betrayal is approaching. For some reason, four years feels like a significant milestone.  I did not even notice or write about the two or three-year anniversaries. The approaching date weighs heavily on my life, darkening the light which I have found in the interim.

When writing about a traumatic event, the cliché closure technique is for the writer to emphasize  that while the experience was painful and challenging , he or she is stronger and wiser in the aftermath. However, four years have passed, and for me, this is not so. I feel wiser, but it is a cold wise based on a lack of trust for others. Instead of stronger, I feel weaker and diminished, as if his use of me as a disposable item rendered me less of a person.

I have not wallowed in despair during the past four years, nor have I fallen prey to self-pity. I have executed positive actions toward healing including  seeing a therapist, beginning a meditation practice, writing down though processes on this blog, creating a dream journal and taking art classes.

Yet, the overall feeling from the experience is one of loss. Not loss of  this man or his supposed  love, but the loss of my faith in life an in myself to make the right decisions.

More to follow…



5 thoughts on “Four Years Later…

  1. Oh my…i so understand but am saddened for both of us. I am still terrified of a relationship, afraid to trust, even after 6 years (I don’t mean to be negative just truthful). I have a dear ‘friend’ who was also manipulated and almost destroyed by a psychopathic narcissist, so he and I are CLOSE but friends. Both of us are simply too scared. We provide each other comfort and trust each other emotionally at this point. That’s a step in the right direction…:-) take each day as it comes and know it will keep improving, despite some setbacks. That’s what life is, no? Nemaste….

    • Thanks for writing, Paulette. So nice to hear from you again:) Believe it or not, I have been trying out online dating since May. No luck yet, and the ability to spot red flags which I learned after breaking up with my ex, has been extremely helpful in the online world. I will write more about that in October, as I try to recreate some closure through writing by the time the anniversary (10/26) arrives.

  2. I know exactly what you mean by being a “cold wiser”, having the ability to trust anyone. It’s definitely the same for me too. I was exposed to trauma over extended periods of time by my biological family. And today, I find myself rather cynical. It was discovered during therapy that in essence, I don’t even trust myself. The only person whom I trust is my husband.

    Anniversaries are hard. Hope that knowing that you are not alone and that you have a great online community cheering you on helps, even if only for a little bit. Thoughts and prayers.

  3. Recognising the loss in faith is one thing… But then we got to take small steps that let us know its OK to trust again. Its a process and it doesn’t happen over night and I suppose with this experience we will be better able to see people better in the future. :). Lots of love

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