Why Do I Attract Narcissists?

I created this blog in 2010 to heal after ending a relationship with a narcissist. I am not the only person to do so; many excellent bloggers are writing about the same topic. Perhaps the most painful aspect of dating or marrying a narcissist is experiencing firsthand  the idealization, devaluation and discard phases of the relationship.  One minute, the narcissist has you on a pedestal and the next minute, he or she tells you that your hair is too frizzy.

Although I focused on my relationship with my first husband in this blog, whom I left when I was 22 and then reunited with at the age of 40, this was not my first relationship with a narcissist. . So I have spent the past few years asking why I attract narcissistic type partners. At first it seemed to be a cruel twist of fate or karma.

Many of my readers ask the same question, “Why do I attract narcissists? What’s wrong with me?”

I am not a psychiatrist and I have no professional training in the field. I can only speak from life experience. From my experience and from the experiences of others, it is clear that if we are raised in a dysfunctional family situation, where our emotional needs as children are not met, then we are more likely to attract similar conditions in adulthood.

One of my parents had a narcissistic personality and was physically and emotionally abusive. I have not written about this before in this blog, but clearly this primary childhood relationship predisposed me towards seeking out relationships with narcissists in adulthood. Furthermore, it is my understanding that narcissistic types will seek out, perhaps unconsciously, individuals who are accustomed to poor treatment by others. If we are raised in dysfunction, then we will accept dysfunction.

The only way out of this pattern is self-awareness. Once we identify that we have been living our lives in a cycle of unhealthy relationships, then we can learn to identify the red flags or warning signs which can keep us safe from negative entanglements with the wrong people. I am not an expert, but I recommend therapy for working through all negative relationship patterns. We must learn to value ourselves and to not allow others to treat us badly. When we value ourselves then we will avoid dysfunctional relationships with others because we will not tolerate their behavior.



What I Lost

English: This is the title screen from the ABC...

English: This is the title screen from the ABC series Lost. Español: Este es el título principal de la serie Lost. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thirty months have passed since I ended a  relationship with a pathological liar with sociopath tendencies. For the most part, I am far removed from the relationship now. I can go a few days in a row without thinking about it. I remember when it was impossible to even get through a minute without thinking about it, back in the first few weeks, and of training myself to not think about him or his betrayal for five minutes, then an hour at a time. It took a long time and a lot of slow painful, draining emotional work. It has taken its toll on my spirit.

I think back upon that time as a traumatic event in my life from which I am still recovering. The term ‘soul damage’ repeatedly comes to mind. I am finding that similar to most traumatic events, I get triggered into thinking about it again when certain things happen in my current life. Last week, the sudden death of a friend triggered the feelings of trauma. I began to feel re- traumatized and began reliving parts of it again. The feeling of initial shock, of denial, that it was happening.

In reviewing the event this past week, I realized that the experience had made me aware, thirty months into the future, of things, mostly within myself, which I had lost through living through his betrayal. These are all things which I possessed prior to hearing from him back in 2007. Some of these things I have partially recovered and others I am still working on. Some just are gone from me, and I don’t know how to go about getting them back:

What I Lost

Self Esteem

Faith in Life

Sense of Direction

Hope for the Future

Belief in Love

Belief in my worthiness

Belief in my dreams

Faith in my Intuition

Faith in myself

Ability to Trust Intimately

Sense of Worth



Health Physique

Sense of Personal Power

Belief that I was special

Belief in my Sexuality

Faith in following my heart


Peace of Mind.

Belief in Soul Mates.

The magical feeling that my life had come full circle.

Belief in sexual partnership/sexual union between two people as being meaningful

Sense of self

Feelings of magic and wonder in the world

Sense of having my feet solidly on the ground.

Faith  in myself to make the right decisions.



Bad Karma or Disease of the Heart?

karma koma

karma koma (Photo credit: PixLjUicE23)

It has been over two years since his mask fell off and I found out that he was deceiving me about everything. I first met this man when I was 18 and we had a long and complicated relationship which included marriage when we were young and a child who is now grown up.

Two years ago, I was completely devastated as I believed that this man was my soul mate and I could not believe his betrayal.

The first twelve months after the relationship ended was extremely difficult and took a lot out of me on different levels. However, I was able to recover with the help of counseling, friends, focusing on work and taking up new interests.

I now recognize my feelings of love for this man as a disease which afflicted me for twenty-five years. Perhaps my ‘falling’ for this man and believing his lies is a symptom of an inner weakness inside me. Perhaps my weakness for this man was the equivalent to an emotional vitamin deficiency. Or, it could be something deeper.

Just as my broken heart was beginning to heal, I did something that I’d never done before; I visited a palm reader. She told me that I was ‘moving out of many years of bad karma with men.’  This experience caused me to examine the situation in a new light. Perhaps the whole relationship could be explained by something that happened in a past life.

I know that not everyone believes in such things. I don’t expect my readers to. But this explanation was helpful to me; it caused me to put the hurt away into a drawer labeled, ‘Bad Karma’, and shut the drawer closed. And then, I walked away.

I have been lucky in many regards in terms of my relationship with this man, who is certainly ASPD (Anti Social Personality Disorder.) First, I took my child away from him at a very young age and saved her from his influence during childhood. Due to this very difficult decision which rendered me poor for many years ( I never filed for child support to keep him away from us), we also never had to contend with him in court. Second, I was never entangled with him financially. Finally, he does not live near me, so once I broke it off with him after our second relationship (in our forties), I could cut off contact completely. I have not returned to the town where he lives and where I spent so much time as a child. I never have to worry about running into him at the supermarket.

However, I do not believe that I am completely cured of this vitamin deficiency of the heart which caused me to love him and to believe that what he was offering me was actually love instead of poison. If he were to appear in my life again and try to woo me with apologies, gifts and constant attention, I do not know that I would be immune. Intellectually I think that I would be able to tell him to take a hike.  But emotionally, yes, if he showed up, there would be a strong pull at my heart. And perhaps this is all just bad karma or delusion. But I must be aware that I probably have this disease for life and protect myself against succumbing to it again. My plan is to never see him again. My plan is to dance on his grave.

Search Term Poem 1

Forest near Rajgir, Bihar, India.

Forest near Rajgir, Bihar, India. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The following free verse ‘poem’ is a listing, in random order, of search terms that readers have used to discover this blog during the past eighteen months. I kept all of the terms identical and included all spelling errors. It’s a testament to all those who have suffered and are suffering as a result of pathological relationships.

Search Term Poem I

psychopaths brain desicion making sociopathic mentality

my man has anti social disorder

husband has antisocial personality drug

antisocial and relationship with ex

denial relationship with other woman

 “how to” “stop loving”

how to forgive someone with narcissistic personality disorder

 how to trick a narcissist

how to get closure from betrayal

an agitated man with an antisocial personality

 broken heart immune system

how do you heal for betrayal

surving a sociopath

how can a christian forgive personality disorders

never plan ahead personality

psychopath’s brain abnormalities

phoenix rising magic trick

sudden onset narcissism

antisocial personality tells me to search my soul

karma and personality disorders

healing from a narcissistic relationship

aspd and my relationship

antisocial personality disorder in relationships

quotes about narcissists on valentines day1

closure from betrayal

naricissitic never wrong in argument

psychopath seduction tricks

the never ending cycle after cheating

coming to terms with reality

pschopath mental disorder

forgiving the narcissist

 healing betrayal past relationship trauma

patron saint of relationships1

sociopathic liars and narcisstism

karma and the other woman

forgiveness is not a right

antisocial personality disorder symptoms living with a person with this diagnosis

coming to terms with reality over fantasy grief changing personality quoted

how to reason with a narcissist

a narcissist cannot have a healthy relationship

 how to get out of the sociopath relaionship

rising psychopathy

karma of betrayal

letting go of betrayal

surviving narcissism discarding stories

 argument narcissistic mother

patron saint of lost causes testimonials of healing

betrayal-he is a liar

narcissistic brain healing

jesus forgiven narcissist

 personal blogs about psychopaths

narcissist don’t waste your time

narcissist never wrong

 life after the cluster b

 lies, betrayal,honesty

when the mask falls of a psychopath

how long does it take for a narcissist to cycle through?

i learned what it meant to be betrayed poem

healing from a psychopath

psychopath lover

the discard phase and the end of a relationship with a npd women

get narcissists out of your life

quotes on healing from betrayal

npd idealization

narcissistic woman dumped me

narcissistic people mentally ill

 my boyfriend had 3 year long parallel relationship

uncovering a narcissists lies

talk therapy for aspd

psychopath narcissist seduction

can psychopathy be fixed?

 when your partner admits to you he is a narcissist

codependent and psychopath

 the love of my life is a psycopath

relationship romantic sociopaths

narssist and the pedistool



Letting Go of Revenge

Hamlet avenged his father by killing his uncle...

Image via Wikipedia


The concept that we need to seek revenge against those who harm us runs deep in the collective subconscious.

I never quite understood the desire for revenge in my life; I viewed it as one of the many roots of evil among humans.

Reading the Bible as a child cemented in my mind the idea that revenge was the low path to take. I did not grow up in an overly religious home. We went to church only a few times each year. I read the Bible because from a very young age, I was a seeker. While reading the gospel of Christ, I became convinced that Jesus was a wise man who knew a higher truth. When he spoke against revenge, I agreed. I knew in my heart that his words were right.

“Ye have heard that it has been said, an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.”  (Matthew 5:38-39).

This way of turning the other cheek, of course, is the right way. It is the high road. I knew this, firmly, by the age of ten. As a result, I went through my entire life without ever considering revenge. I forgave people their trespasses against me. This included my young husband, whom I had left at the age of twenty-three, taking our baby daughter with me, because he had turned to a life of drugs. I never condemned him to our daughter, and she grew up knowing that he had fallen to the wrong path, but that he was a good person at heart. Not once did I ever feel a moment of hatred or resentment towards him, in all those years during which I raised her by myself, without any help from him because I did not want to be connected with his lifestyle.

When he came back into our lives after an absence of nearly twenty years, we both forgave him, and we believed and trusted him while he told us lies about having quit getting high years before. We opened up our hearts to him and let him into our lives.

After nearly three years of our new life together, I discovered in October, 2010, that he was still dealing drugs, that he’d never stopped, and that he’d been sleeping with another woman for over a year. This was a turning point in my life, as I grappled with the emotional upheaval from his betrayal. In order to process his betrayal, and to heal, I began writing this blog.

Surprisingly, I became obsessed with the idea of revenge. I wanted to seek revenge against this other woman, whom I have never met. At first, I was convinced that he had lied to her as well, and that she hadn’t know that he was sleeping with both of us. However, within a month it became obvious that she had known about the deception, and had been an active deceiver.

How could another woman, who had never met me, willingly go along with a deception which would break not only my heart but my daughter’s? I struggled to understand. I’d never met anyone who’d cheated or deceived like this and now I knew two people who had been deliberately deceiving me for eighteen months!

I would think of how I would exact my revenge. I would inform her adult son that his mother’s new boyfriend was a long-term drug dealer. (He has a full-time job and has hidden his drug use from her.) I would send her all the letters he’d written to me while he was sleeping with both of us, to see how passionately he’d cared for me. I would post her cheating name on the internet. I would hex her with a spell.

An inner part of me was horrified when these urges for revenge descended upon me, but I would let my mind play out the fantasy, knowing the desire would burn itself out. I’d force myself to never think about this woman, but over the past year, periodically a sharp spark of revenge would fly up and creative diabolical plans would spin out in my brain. I would allow myself to think about it, but vowed to never act on my impulses.

Finally, within the past few weeks, the revenge urge has dried up. What is the point? I don’t know her motives. I don’t know how much he lied to her. He is a professional liar, so I am sure that she received as many lies as I did, if not more. I am guessing that he told her that our relationship was not sexual, perhaps blaming me for some sexual deficiency (the opposite is true, we were always quite passionate.)

I don’t know her motives. I don’t know what she believed. I don’t know what he told her. I don’t know who she is. I do know that he has hidden from her the fact that he has been dealing drugs for over twenty years. I know that he has hidden the extent of his drug use from her.Like many lifetime addicts, he is also addicted to pornography and online sex, and drawn to very dark sexual fantasies.

So I know that she is a person involved with a man with many secrets, a man who will lie to her as much as he lied to me. If anything now, my feelings for her are those of compassion. She is sleeping with a man who has a secret life. I don’t envy her at all. I consider myself fortunate to be out of the situation. Perhaps she has done me a favor in letting me escape from him.




Karma Guen 2008 - 07

Image by tobstone via Flickr

A friend sent me some information last night which was painful to hear and yet helpful for closure.

If there’s one thing I have learned about healing from betrayal while writing this blog, it is that the healing process is incredibly painful. Have you ever heard about burn victims? They claim that right after being burned is not so painful because of the shock, but that the most painful part is the healing, while their skin is recreating itself? All the skin cells scream with pain, and this long lasting pain is endurable only through strong medication which the victim must be slowly weaned from.

The nature of the information my friend sent me last night helped me to reach an intellectual understanding of the situation which has previously eluded me. The reason why he betrayed me is simple. He was able to betray me because his feelings for me were shallow. If he had cared for me as deeply as I cared for him, then he never would have been able to betray me. He never would have gone near another woman and began developing an intimacy with her through conversations, spending time together, which eventually led to sex.

His decision to get involved with her sexually while still dating me marks his immaturity and his lack of responsibility as well as his lack of moral development. He wrote me a letter during our ‘fight’ in May, 2009, during which time he refused to speak to me, because I had, in not a very graceful way, confronted him via email about my realizations of his actual drug & alcohol consumption, as opposed to what he’d told me a year earlier at the start of our relationship. In this letter, he berates me for, essentially being a bitch and being hysterical, and ends the relationship. What he fails to mention in this letter is that the true reason he’s ending the relationship at that point and not speaking to me is because he’d started sleeping with another woman with whom he’d been flirting for months.

In the middle of June, he approached me and we ‘made up.’  He claimed later that at this point that he’d broken things off with her because he missed me. However, he has lied to me so many times in my life, that I have no idea what percentage of anything he’s ever told me is the truth. I imagine, in relation to him and this other woman, what he’s told me, what he hasn’t told me, his excuses that he was going to a friends’ house when he was actually going to see her, his continued alleged devotion to me, etc, is heavily laden with lies.

In closure, I am moving towards acceptance of what has happened to me. I don’t have to worry about what will become of him, because karma will take care of that. You can’t mistreat someone as badly as he has mistreated me in this life, not to mention our daughter, because of the choices he has made and the priorities he has chosen, without some really bad karma catching up to you. Whether or not he’s been conscious of his decisions, regardless of his cognitive ability to form judgements and make decisions, karma is a real force and he will not escape the karma he has created in this life.