George Eliot on Betrayal

“No one who has ever known what it is to lose faith in a fellow-man whom he has profoundly loved and reverenced, will lightly say that the shock can leave the faith in the Invisible Goodness unshaken. With the sinking of high human trust, the dignity of life sinks too; we cease to believe in our own better self, since that also is part of the common nature which is degraded in our thought; and all the finer impulses of the soul are dulled.”


Bad Friends


Image by shapour bahrami via Flickr

“Don’t associate with bad friends. Don’t associate with the low. Associate with admirable friends. Associate with the best.”

– Dhammapada 78, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu

This post is dedicated to a dear friend with whom I’ve been writing back and forth today. She knows just what it means, and we both know more than one life which has been ruined by associating with the wrong people.

My mother used to tell me, “You are who you hang out with.” Although I liked to argue with her about this, in the end, I have to say that she is right, and as she has passed away, I can’t even tell her face to face.

If you want to determine someone’s character; examine their friends. How do their friends behave? What do they do? What do they fail to do? Do they lie? Do they cheat? Are they responsible for the consequences of their own actions? Do they volunteer in their communities? Are they misogynists? Do they make racist comments? Are they mean? Do they help others? Do they make fun of people? If a person‘s friends have negative character traits, if they lie, if they cheat, if they make racist or homophobic comments, then that person is the same. Any given person  is no better than his or her friends, for each person chooses his or her friends based on his or her own individual integrity, or lack thereof.

This is because people who are referred to in this quote as ‘the low’ will display their lowness through meanness, dishonesty, mysogyny, homophobia, racism, entitlement, defensiveness, aggressiveness, selfishness, irresponsibility, etc. People who are like this are barely any better than animals; they live for their pleasure alone. They don’t have self awareness or self reflection and cannot or will not pursue any path to self improvement.You will not find a decent person hanging out with a bunch of low people because a decent person cannot tolerate  low behavior in others . The low people will tease and make fun of the decent person because his or her values threaten the social mores of the scumbag group.

Conversely, when you find a group of people who are devoted to goodness, kindness, self reflection, personal growth, honesty and integrity, you will not find a scumbag in their midst. Scumbags chooses  associate with other scumbags in order to reinforce their own lack of morality.  If a scumbag finds himself in a group decent people she will quickly leave the ‘goody two shoes’ to find a group of scumbags with whom to gloat in scumbaggery.

It’s just this simple. If you want to find out what kind of a person someone is, examine their friends, and find out how they treat other people, how they talk about other people, and exactly what types of activities they do in their spare time. It doesn’t matter who you are inside that counts, it’s how you spend your time.



Lovers & Other Monsters

Dance of the Darkness Monsters (#1)

I fear, my love, you have swallowed something

wicked, twisting deeply to your liver like the

gaily colored ribbons round a maypole.

In your spleen it lurks, sending shoots of pure amnesia-

blazing out in ripe magenta something vile &

dark is crawling ’round your skull.


You didn’t scream, my love, you were a child

when you first felt it landing gently on

your forehead, you just rolled over in your

bed & closed your eyes. When it entered you,

sweet boy, did a shadow cross your dreaming?

Did a cold wind touch your face beneath your skies?


How I prayed for you at night with my knees

on splintered floor beams begging God to save

you for me, you came home with hollowed eyes

and empty heart. In those years I dreamed, dreamed

to reach down deep inside you, longed to grab

that serpentine and yank it out.


This was originally published in my chapbook, “This Dream of Being” in 2005 by Zinn Publishers, Vermont. It resonates with me in this situation, as my underlying intuition is that it is some type of chemical dependency/mental illness and not planned wickedness which caused he whom I called “the love of my life” to betray me.

Gifts From the Stars- 1

Deception Island at Deception Pass, Washington...

Image via Wikipedia

Under the stars tonight, I came to a wonderful realization- that I don’t need him.

Suddenly, he came back into my life  with so much earnest passion, and I welcomed him into the center of my being with open arms. I’ve loved him completely with my heart-   my soul- my mind.

I’ve loved him devotedly every minute of every day  for nearly three years. I’d trusted him completely and he lied to me.

For the past eighteen months I’d been sleeping with him and believing that his love equaled my own. But I was wrong; he was false. To imagine that all the times I went to bed with him  believing that I was his one and only- that  he was  loving another woman, in the very same bed? Did he say the same things to her that he said to me? Did he think of me when he was with her, or vice versa?

What vile deception. It is astonishing  to be treated thus by the one person whom I adored and trusted beyond any in the world.

It’s clear from his actions that I was not the only woman in his heart. Obviously, he doesn’t need me. And that’s fine, because I sure don’t need him.



Hallelujah by Leondard Cohen

You know how songs travel through your heart for periods of time? This is the one that was running through my mind in the two weeks before all this happened. There is a mournfulness to this song which of course is now fitting.

I’ve put a link up under blog roll to an Allison Crowe performance of this song.

The lyrics which are really grabbing at my heart now are:

“Baby I’ve been here before
I know this room, I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
love is not a victory march
it’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What’s really going on below
but now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah”