When I discovered that my lover had a secret life, including another girlfriend he’d been hiding for eighteen months along with illegal activities, I immediately knew that the relationship had to end.
However, although Icould not forgive him for his deception, I also wanted desperately to give him a chance to explain himself and make it all better. I wanted him to say to me,”She was nothing to me, you have always been the love of my life, ” and then, to swear to me that he would get the rest of his life cleaned up. (For me of course, for dumb, naive me.)
First, I sent him an email confronting him with what I’d found out, and he did not respond. Next, I called him on the phone. He did not pick up. I wrote him a couple of letters- stupid, long dramatic essays pleading with him to, in the tone of one of ‘our’ songs: ‘Remember what we’ve said, and done, and felt about each other, Oh Babe, have Mercy.” (Suite Judy Blue Eyes by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young.)
But I did not hear from him for over a month because in reality, he’d discarded me. His new woman had taken my place, and, he explained when we finally talked, he’d been wanting to break up with me for some time, . So it turned out that my discovery had been a convenient way for him to avoid dealing with ending the relationship with me.
Over time, through therapy, through writing, I had to admit that I was better off without him. I don’t want to be around the type of activities he is involved with. During our last phone conversation, he said something like, “Well, listen, I’m never going to stop doing (illegal activity) and that would never have been OK with you.” It was like he was offering this explanation for the real reason that he’d started up a new relationship; for various reasons, she is a woman from whom it was easy for him to hide his secrets.
Of course it would have been better for me all around if he’d never showed again after an absence of eighteen years. He turned back up in 2007 like the proverbial bad penny. (I’m sure that my departed mother, who always despised him, was rolling in her grave.)
The reality of being better off alone is that I’m lonely and bitter. I want to feel that there’s some reason for what happened and that I’m going to grow stronger from it, but frankly, I’m mostly miserable. Maybe he bewitched me with his narcissistic tricks when we were teenagers and that is what stuck inside me, all those years, as what love really was.
To be truthful, I missed him all those years. No other man ever pleased me. They either bored me, or irritated me, or both, because they weren’t him. So then he came back with all his narcissistic web spinning wondrous words and wooed me to the top of the world and then lost interest in me and let me fall, with no safety net.
I fell and I fell and I fell. I’m on the ground now, finally. I don’t know when I landed. It’s been eighteen months since the day my life split into two and I found out about his other life. I’m dizzy, bruised and confused. Who did I used to be back in 2007? What happened to that woman?
Before I found out about his other life, I was a sexy, beautiful, loved, wanted woman. I was full of life and was living a fairy tale reunion with the long-lost love of my life. People were jealous of me! Of us! Isn’t that bizarre?
Today, I feel old, fat, tired, middle-aged. I can’t see how anyone would desire me. I have no interest in sex.
I think I wouldn’t feel so awful if I hadn’t been sick so much during the past eighteen months. The past two winters have been hell, health-wise. Right after discovering his betrayal, I began several months of upper respiratory illness highlighted by the onset of asthma, which I’d never had before. This past winter I’ve been ravaged by what has turned into chronic sinus infections. I haven’t felt ‘good’ and energetic since mid November. And yes, I do blame my fall from the top of the world for all this illness. I have never been sick like this before in my life. This is not who I am. Before he came back into my life I was walking at least two miles a day. I have not walked all winter long. I am worn out. I am completely out of shape.
I know this is a hump that I have to get over and I am trying as hard as I can. I am inspired by everyone who has also successfully crossed over this hump and moved into the rest their lives.