My Mother Was Right


I haven’t written anything here for a while.

I seem to have completely ended my emotional attachment to this individual, who held my heart for twenty-five years.

I can clearly see exactly where the devaluing and discarding phases began in both phases of our relationships.

I understand that there was never anything good in him but youth, and my memories of him when he was young.

The freshness of his youth posed as purity; he has always been a pathological liar posing as a nice guy.

In short, my Mother (rest her soul) was right when she declared to me (when I was 18) in 1986: “What can you possibly see in him? He’ll never be anything but a small town druggie.”

She was right.

Anything else I ever believed that he was- was merely a delusional combination of his acting along with my imagination.

Namaste,

Ixchel

Rebounding From a Relationship with a Pathological Lover


Recovering, or trying to recover, from a relationship with a narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, person with Anti Social Personality Disorder (ASPD) or other Cluster B type personality disorder? Whether or not one is able to rebound and recover after a relationship with a pathological person depends upon the following criteria:

1) The duration of the relationship
2) What the victim suffered during the relationship
3) Whether there was physical, emotional, verbal and/or sexual abuse
4) The diagnosis of the predator (ie: how crazy/fucked up he or she is/was)
5) What the victim lost as a result of the relationship
6) Whether there were court proceedings involved
7) Whether there were minor children involved
8) The financial assets of the victim
9) Support, or lack thereof, for the victim from family and friends
10) Emotional state of the victim
11) Whether or not the victim suffers from mental illness, physical disability
12) The victims history- does he or she come from a traumatic or emotinally stable background
13) The basic temperament of the victim

Are there more criteria which I have left out? Please post your comments.

What if Your Soul Mate has ASPD (Anti Social Personality Disorder)?


True Love Couple

True Love Couple (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You’d be surprised how many people arrive at my blog after doing a search for ‘What if My Soul Mate has ASPD?’

Well, if your soul mate has ASPD, then I’m very sorry for you. If you are going to stay in the relationship, then, most likely, you are in for a lifetime of misery.

I can speak as an authority on this topic. If there was one thing my ex and I claimed to be, it was soul mates. The soul mate theme was ours, even during a two decade separation.

The trouble is that he went out and found another soul mate, one whom he could hide his dealing and drug use from, as he could no longer hide it from me.

A wonderful thing happened to me in the reeling aftermath from discovering his betrayal. I happened upon an incredibly skilled therapist. I stumbled into her office less than forty-eight  hours of my heart being blown up by the  grenade of his deceit, and exclaimed, “But he’s my soul mate!” asI poured out our life story to her.

She responded in the best way possible. “Well, he might be your soul mate, but he’s really screwed up.”

So, if your soul mate has ASPD, then you need to make some hard choices. He (or she) is not going to change.  Chances are he is involved with illegal activities and is an alcoholic and/or drug addict. Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet. There is no fairy spell to break the curse of your beloved’s brain being fucked up and him not being able to EVER take responsibilities for his actions or for the pain he has caused and will cause you.

If you think that your lover has ASPD, then you need to see a professional and talk about what’s going on in your life. There is not a good prognosis for having a relationship with a person with ASPD or any other Cluster B type personality disorder.

Believe me, I wish there were.

I don’t believe so much in soul mates anymore.

If the hell I went through was ‘true love‘, then surely, you can keep it.

Namaste,

Ixchel

Ending a Relationship With a Pathological Liar


Liar, Liar (song)

Liar, Liar (song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On this blog, I write about my journey of recovery from a man with characteristics of both Narcissisitic and Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Anti Social Personality Disorder, Sociopath, Psychopath. I throw these terms around in my posts as if I knew what I was talking about.

I am not a mental health professional. Anything I write here should not be quoted as  professional opinion.

I am just a woman trying to make sense of what happened to me. I am trying to unravel my relationship with this man, who according to the DSM-IV, has all of the traits of Anti Social Personality Disorder and most of the trait of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

This man is my ex husband. His behavior and lack of responsibility has damaged my life and the life of my family for over twenty-five years. His apparent lack of remorse for his actions is appalling. The secret lives which he has managed to keep hidden from me, from our family, from his employer, from his new girlfriend, are criminal and immoral.

‘If the shoe fits, wear it.’ Well, even though he has not received a diagnosis of Anti Social Personality Disorder, but that diagnosis fits him perfectly.

All of the personality disorders discussed on this blog fall under what the professionals refer to as ‘Cluster B‘ types of personality disorders.

Most if not all people diagnosed with ‘Cluster B’ disorders are pathological liars.

As ‘the proof is in the pudding’ so has my ex husband’s true nature been exposed by  the number, extent, planning and execution of his network of a thousand lies.

I spent the first year after the relationship ended uncovering these lies. Hundreds and hundreds of them. I now realize that his personality is so fake, that I cannot believe a single thing that he ever told me. I realize that I was an enjoyable sexual partner for him, but I cannot trust that he ever cared for me in any other way.

In order to carry on his two sexual relationships and his various illegal activities, the amount of lie which he told to me and to his other girlfriend is staggering.

He is not a person with a soul or a conscience. He is a being who pursues pleasure. When anything or anyone might inhibit his pleasure, he simply lies his way around it or them. His morality is formed around the opinions of his friends, who are also ‘Cluster B’ types. He and his ‘buddies’ are pathological liars and addicts; they are grown men who behave like children in a candy store. Porn, intoxication, loose sex and getting high are their thrills which they pursue daily.

Knowing that these thrills are unacceptable to their wives and girlfriends, they lie about them.

Once I was able to unravel all of his lie to me during our thirty month ‘reunion’ I could see how he didn’t exist a a person. He is nothing besides whatever urge he is fulfilling at the moment.

Namaste,

Ixchel

The Reality of ‘Better Off Alone


Alone on the Hill

When I discovered that my lover had a secret life, including another girlfriend he’d been hiding for eighteen months along with illegal activities, I immediately knew that the relationship had to end.

However, although Icould not forgive him for his deception, I also  wanted desperately to give him a chance to explain himself and make it all better. I wanted him to say to me,”She was nothing to me, you have always been the love of my life, ” and then, to swear to me that he would get the rest of his life cleaned up. (For me of course, for dumb, naive me.)

First, I sent him an email confronting him with what I’d found out, and he did not respond. Next, I called him on the phone. He did not pick up. I wrote him a couple of letters- stupid, long dramatic essays pleading with him to, in the tone of one of ‘our’ songs: ‘Remember what we’ve said, and done, and felt about each other, Oh Babe, have Mercy.” (Suite Judy Blue Eyes by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young.)

But I did not hear from him for over a month because in reality, he’d discarded me. His new woman had taken my place, and, he explained when we finally talked, he’d been wanting to break up with me for some time, . So it turned out that my discovery had been a convenient way for him to avoid dealing with ending the relationship with me.

Over time, through therapy, through writing, I had to admit that I was better off without him. I don’t want to be around the type of activities he is involved with.  During our last phone conversation, he said something like, “Well, listen, I’m never going to stop doing (illegal activity) and that would never have been OK with you.” It was like he was offering this explanation for the real reason that he’d started up a new relationship; for various reasons, she is a woman from whom it was easy for him to hide his secrets.

Of course it would have been better for me all around if he’d never showed again after an absence of eighteen years.  He turned back up in 2007  like the proverbial bad penny. (I’m sure that my departed mother, who always despised him, was rolling in her grave.)

The reality of being better off alone is that I’m lonely and bitter. I want to feel that there’s some reason for what happened and that I’m going to grow stronger from it, but frankly, I’m mostly miserable. Maybe he bewitched me with his narcissistic tricks  when we were teenagers and that is what stuck inside me, all those years, as what love really was.

To be truthful, I missed him all those years. No other man ever pleased me. They either bored me, or irritated me, or both, because they weren’t him. So then he came back with all his narcissistic web spinning wondrous words and wooed me to the top of the world and then lost interest in me and let me fall, with no safety net.

I fell and I fell and I fell. I’m on the ground now, finally. I don’t know when I landed. It’s been eighteen months since the day my life split into two and I found out about his other life. I’m dizzy, bruised and confused. Who did I used to be back in 2007? What happened to that woman?

Before I found out about his other life, I was a sexy, beautiful, loved, wanted woman. I was full of life and was living a fairy tale reunion with the long-lost love of my life. People were jealous of me! Of us! Isn’t that bizarre?

Today, I feel old, fat, tired, middle-aged. I can’t see how anyone would desire me. I have no interest in sex.

I think I wouldn’t feel so awful if I hadn’t been sick so much during the past eighteen months. The past two winters have been hell, health-wise. Right after discovering his betrayal, I began several months of upper respiratory illness highlighted by the onset of asthma, which I’d never had before. This past winter I’ve been ravaged by what has turned into chronic sinus infections. I haven’t felt ‘good’ and energetic since mid November.  And yes, I do blame my fall from the top of the world for all this illness. I have never been sick like this before in my life. This is not who I am. Before he came back into my life I was walking at least two miles a day. I have not walked all winter long. I am worn out. I am completely out of shape.

I know this is a hump that I have to get over  and I am trying as hard as I can. I am inspired by everyone who has also successfully crossed over this hump and moved into the rest their lives.

Namaste,

Ixchel

Moving Forward Through Pain~ Healing After a Relationship with a Cluster B Personality


English: Om healing circle Polski: Krąg om healing

Image via Wikipedia

Those of us who are recovering from a relationship with a man or woman with a Cluster B Type personality disorder such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Anti Social Personality Disorder/Psychopathy/Sociopathy(ASPD) face a long and challenging healing phase in our lives.

We encounter many troubling aspects of dealing with the aftermath of these relationships. First, the ending of these relationships is nearly always dramatic and often unforeseen. My relationship with a man with Anti Social Personality disorder ended within an hour, when I realized that he was both sleeping with another woman and living a secret life involving addiction and criminal behavior. For women and men escaping relationships with psychopaths, the ending can be not only dramatic but violent. (I watched ‘Fatal Attraction‘ for the first time last night and the final bathtub scene is burned into my retinas this morning.)

Sudden dramatic and possibly violent endings of relationships are traumatic. For anyone with a past history of childhood abuse or spousal abuse, such an event  may trigger past trauma. Many people experience shock after the ending of these relationship. In one hour, you believe yourself to be happily involved with the love of your life and in the next, you discover that he is a pathological liar and that you don’t even know who he really is, inside.

When my relationship ended, it sent me into a state of shock which lasted three days. Being in shock was shocking. My friends wouldn’t let me drive after I made the discoveries. “You’re in shock” they said, “You’re not driving home. Leave your car here.”

For me, being in shock meant that I could not eat, slept fitfully and was terrified of being alone. I kept reliving the memory of my discovery over again, and kept replaying the memory in my mindbecause I was sure that I’d made a mistake and that none of these awful things were true. (They couldn’t be true, because he and I were soul mates!)

My discovery happened eighteen months ago. It’s been an extremely long journey back, and I am still not finished yet. I am fighting to rediscover who i was before I entered into this fatally flawed relationship. Every day is a healing  journey and I am trusting myself to find the right path and to live day by day.

Here are some things which have helped me during this difficult time:

1) Reaching out to friends and family for support

2) Seeking a professional therapists help the very first week it happened, and continuing to receive counseling while processing the shock and  grief

3) Allowing myself to grieve for the person I though I was in love with

4) Familiarizing myself with Elizabeth Kubler RossGrief Stages and the Extended Grief Cycle

5) Throwing away everything related to my ex

6) Cutting off all communication with him completely

7) Making a promise to myself that I never need to see him or talk to him again

8) Writing this blog and keeping a journal of private thoughts and dreams

9) Taking good care of myself by eating well

10) Reading the Blogs of other people who are also on paths of healing and who have experienced these types of relationships

Namaste,

Ixchel

How Could He Do That To Me? Shock and Disbelief After Discovering Your Lover is a Psychopath, Narcissist, etc…


English: A Beijing opera mask

Image via Wikipedia

“And just for the record
Just so you know
I did not believe
That you could sink so low.”

No, You Don’t by Nine Inch Nail

Have you recently been devastated by the betrayal or cruel treatment of your lover or spouse? Have you discovered that this person whom you trusted so much has a personality disorder such as Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

People with these types of personality disorders behave in a specific pattern when it comes to romantic relationships. First, they wine and dine you with over the top compliments, gifts, flowers and promises of eternal love. They will put you on a pedestal and make you feel as if you are the most amazing person in the world. These types of people will idealize you and worship you for a short time. While you are being worshipped on a pedestal, you will feel as if you have found the truest, rarest love of your life. You will not be able to believe your good luck. You may even pinch yourself to see if you are dreaming. .

Unfortunately, this idealization period will not last. The sad truth is that individuals with NPD or ASPD are incapable of true love and affection, which is characterized by long-term caring and committment. When they pour on the sugar during those first few months of the relationship, they are hiding all their flaws and presenting themselves to you in the best possible light. They can’t maintain this type of theatrical performance for long, and this is one of the reasons that the idealization period won’t last.

Another reason that this wonderful period will not last is because individuals with these types of personality disorders find it difficult, if not impossible, to remain faithful to one lover. They lose interest in you eventually. Often, as soon as you begin to see through the cracks in their perfect armor, and ask questions about the darkness you see inside, they will begin to devalue you and to look for a new lover. It is not uncommon for these types of individuals to juggle several lovers at once, idealizing one, devaluing another, and discarding yet another, all the while keeping on the lookout for new prospects.

Often, women who find themselves in relationships with these types of men experience a sudden, dramatic, negative ending to the relationship. (I write about women because statistically the ratio of male to female personality disorders like NPD and ASPD

These relationships often end suddenly when the woman  discovers that her lover is a pathological liar,  has been unfaithful, has a secret addiction or substance abuse problem, has a ‘second’ life which he has kept hidden, has a sex/porn addition, is sexually promiscuous, is involved in criminal activities, etc.

Essentially, the mask falls off and the victim of the narcissist/psychopath is left holding the bag, which is full of foul-smelling reality. It’s a ‘wake up and smell the garbage’ moment in a person’s life.

Realizing that your lover has been lying to you,  hiding behavior from you, possibly criminal, and even sneaking around in other relationships behind your back, is a profoundly disturbing experience.

When I realized that my lover was not the person whom I believed him to be, (which happened in the course of a couple of hours one Tuesday morning), I fell into a state of shock which lasted for three days. Nothing which I had experienced before had prepared me for this experience. I could not eat or sleep. I was terrified to be left alone. The world, even the familiar surroundings of my house, seemed strange and threatening to me. I felt as if I had fallen off a cliff and was still falling.

To find out that the person whom you loved and trusted the most is a devastating experience.

But there is help.

If you find yourself in the situation of being devastated after ending a relationship with an individual with NPD or ASPD, know that you are not alone. Millions of women (and men) have suffered through the same experience, and have recovered.

What Should You Do Now?

1. If you are in a situation where you or your family is not safe because of an abusive person, you can call for help. Your town may have a domestic abuse hotline which can advise you of the best thing to do in your situation.

Here is the number and link to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224 : http://www.thehotline.org/

2. Many people find it helpful to see  therapist to help them through the emotional aftermath while recovering from a relationship with a person with NPD or ASPD. .

3. Often, it is helpful to read what others have gone through. There are many websites and blogs online written by people who have recovered from relationships with men who have NPD or ASPD.

For recovery from a Narcissist, visit The Narcissistic Continuum: http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/

For recovery from a Psychopath(ASPD), visit Psychopathy Awareness: http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/category/psychopathy-awareness/

On Facebook, visit: ‘The Path to Peace- Recovery From Psychopathic Manipulation and Abuse’

Namaste,

Ixchel