Four Years Later…


The fourth anniversary of the dark discovery of my ex’s betrayal is approaching. For some reason, four years feels like a significant milestone.  I did not even notice or write about the two or three-year anniversaries. The approaching date weighs heavily on my life, darkening the light which I have found in the interim.

When writing about a traumatic event, the cliché closure technique is for the writer to emphasize  that while the experience was painful and challenging , he or she is stronger and wiser in the aftermath. However, four years have passed, and for me, this is not so. I feel wiser, but it is a cold wise based on a lack of trust for others. Instead of stronger, I feel weaker and diminished, as if his use of me as a disposable item rendered me less of a person.

I have not wallowed in despair during the past four years, nor have I fallen prey to self-pity. I have executed positive actions toward healing including  seeing a therapist, beginning a meditation practice, writing down though processes on this blog, creating a dream journal and taking art classes.

Yet, the overall feeling from the experience is one of loss. Not loss of  this man or his supposed  love, but the loss of my faith in life an in myself to make the right decisions.

More to follow…

Ixchel

 

Bad Karma or Disease of the Heart?


karma koma

karma koma (Photo credit: PixLjUicE23)

It has been over two years since his mask fell off and I found out that he was deceiving me about everything. I first met this man when I was 18 and we had a long and complicated relationship which included marriage when we were young and a child who is now grown up.

Two years ago, I was completely devastated as I believed that this man was my soul mate and I could not believe his betrayal.

The first twelve months after the relationship ended was extremely difficult and took a lot out of me on different levels. However, I was able to recover with the help of counseling, friends, focusing on work and taking up new interests.

I now recognize my feelings of love for this man as a disease which afflicted me for twenty-five years. Perhaps my ‘falling’ for this man and believing his lies is a symptom of an inner weakness inside me. Perhaps my weakness for this man was the equivalent to an emotional vitamin deficiency. Or, it could be something deeper.

Just as my broken heart was beginning to heal, I did something that I’d never done before; I visited a palm reader. She told me that I was ‘moving out of many years of bad karma with men.’  This experience caused me to examine the situation in a new light. Perhaps the whole relationship could be explained by something that happened in a past life.

I know that not everyone believes in such things. I don’t expect my readers to. But this explanation was helpful to me; it caused me to put the hurt away into a drawer labeled, ‘Bad Karma’, and shut the drawer closed. And then, I walked away.

I have been lucky in many regards in terms of my relationship with this man, who is certainly ASPD (Anti Social Personality Disorder.) First, I took my child away from him at a very young age and saved her from his influence during childhood. Due to this very difficult decision which rendered me poor for many years ( I never filed for child support to keep him away from us), we also never had to contend with him in court. Second, I was never entangled with him financially. Finally, he does not live near me, so once I broke it off with him after our second relationship (in our forties), I could cut off contact completely. I have not returned to the town where he lives and where I spent so much time as a child. I never have to worry about running into him at the supermarket.

However, I do not believe that I am completely cured of this vitamin deficiency of the heart which caused me to love him and to believe that what he was offering me was actually love instead of poison. If he were to appear in my life again and try to woo me with apologies, gifts and constant attention, I do not know that I would be immune. Intellectually I think that I would be able to tell him to take a hike.  But emotionally, yes, if he showed up, there would be a strong pull at my heart. And perhaps this is all just bad karma or delusion. But I must be aware that I probably have this disease for life and protect myself against succumbing to it again. My plan is to never see him again. My plan is to dance on his grave.

The Allure of the Cluster B Mindfuck


Humpty Dumpty, shown as a riddle with answer, ...

Humpty Dumpty, shown as a riddle with answer, in a 1902 Mother Goose story book by William Wallace Denslow (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Twenty months after my relationship with a man with both Narcissistic and Anti Social Personality disorders ended, I’m still trying to put reality back together again.

I feel like Humpty Dumpty after the fall. The moment that my lover’s lies began to unravel, gaining speed exponentially, I fell from my wall of delusion. Then, I spent over a year lying on the ground in a condition I can only describe as emotional paralysis. Next I staggered around, trying to make sense of what had happened to me.

In what I hope is my recovery, I keep getting tangled up in this idea of soul mates. Of course, it is the concept of soul mates which caused me to lower my guard and be taken in by the manipulative liar for the second time in my life.

He and I seemed to share such closeness which I have never shared with anyone before. Yet, it turned out to not be closeness after all; he was play acting at being my perfect mate in order to woo me and win my love. He had this way of seeming to be right inside my head. However, towards the end, when I was wondering what was going on while he was devaluing me, one thing which I noticed  was how very far away he seemed. Also, I had noticed that his mind/soul which had been initially completely open to me, had slowly closed down, making him seem more of a stranger during each of our last visits.

“How could he be the love of my life?” My brain reasons with my heart. “If he simply switched his affections from me to his new girlfriend? If he was making love to us both with the same passionate intensity?”

I lived without him for twenty years and yet, once he came back into my life, he filled me completely so that I felt never alone, and wondered how I could have existed those long years without him.

Now, all these many months into my recovery from his psychological abuse, lies, manipulation and cheating, I still find myself missing him. We live 100 miles apart and so we spent tens of thousands of minutes on the phone. We spoke constantly. Now I realize that for much of the relationship, he was inventing outings with friends which were really sexual encounters with his new girlfriend. When he called me up around dinner on Sunday evenings after an afternoon ‘watching football’, he’d actually been fucking Lisa. It is so bizarre to think about, because then he and I would ‘spend’ Sunday evenings ‘together’ on the phone. First we’d watch 60 Minutes and then Nature.

When I’d first discovered his betrayal, I assumed Lisa  knew about me. I’m not so sure anymore. Of course, she knew that he’d been dating me, but I’m guessing that during our ‘fight’ in May a couple years ago, he told her that he was finished with me. And that’s when he first went to bed with her. So when he picked it back up with me in June, he had the plan of stringing us both along. It’s amazing. Only victims of Cluster B types can understand how much time is spent in the aftermath trying to sort out all these details and figure out what actually happened, who knew what, and how much was lies and manipulation.

There are days when I feel fine. My life is picking up in exciting ways. My career is moving forward. I am trying new activities and getting back into shape. And yet, there are times when I feel so alone without him, but I am realizing that it is not him that I miss but the feeling of not being alone.

This is the allure of the Cluster B Mindfuck. The Cluster B personality enters your life and quickly establishes intimacy with you. This intimacy, which turns out to be an illusion, makes you feel like you are closer to the Cluster B person than to anyone else on the planet. You new lover ‘gets into’ your head; he knows your favorite songs, buys you jewelry with your favorite stones, praises all that is unique about you.

However, you can eventually tell that this is false intimacy when he devalues and discards you and moves on to his next victim/lover. He will use the same bag of tricks with her, producing in her the same feeling of deep connection.

“Alright”, my heart says to my brain, “If this was false intimacy, then what is real intimacy?”

The truth is, that if you have spent many years ‘in love’ with a Cluster B personality, then you may have a very hard time answering this question.

I still don’t know the answer.

Namaste,

Ixchel

Search Term Poem 1


Forest near Rajgir, Bihar, India.

Forest near Rajgir, Bihar, India. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The following free verse ‘poem’ is a listing, in random order, of search terms that readers have used to discover this blog during the past eighteen months. I kept all of the terms identical and included all spelling errors. It’s a testament to all those who have suffered and are suffering as a result of pathological relationships.

Search Term Poem I

psychopaths brain desicion making sociopathic mentality

my man has anti social disorder

husband has antisocial personality drug

antisocial and relationship with ex

denial relationship with other woman

 “how to” “stop loving”

how to forgive someone with narcissistic personality disorder

 how to trick a narcissist

how to get closure from betrayal

an agitated man with an antisocial personality

 broken heart immune system

how do you heal for betrayal

surving a sociopath

how can a christian forgive personality disorders

never plan ahead personality

psychopath’s brain abnormalities

phoenix rising magic trick

sudden onset narcissism

antisocial personality tells me to search my soul

karma and personality disorders

healing from a narcissistic relationship

aspd and my relationship

antisocial personality disorder in relationships

quotes about narcissists on valentines day1

closure from betrayal

naricissitic never wrong in argument

psychopath seduction tricks

the never ending cycle after cheating

coming to terms with reality

pschopath mental disorder

forgiving the narcissist

 healing betrayal past relationship trauma

patron saint of relationships1

sociopathic liars and narcisstism

karma and the other woman

forgiveness is not a right

antisocial personality disorder symptoms living with a person with this diagnosis

coming to terms with reality over fantasy grief changing personality quoted

how to reason with a narcissist

a narcissist cannot have a healthy relationship

 how to get out of the sociopath relaionship

rising psychopathy

karma of betrayal

letting go of betrayal

surviving narcissism discarding stories

 argument narcissistic mother

patron saint of lost causes testimonials of healing

betrayal-he is a liar

narcissistic brain healing

jesus forgiven narcissist

 personal blogs about psychopaths

narcissist don’t waste your time

narcissist never wrong

 life after the cluster b

 lies, betrayal,honesty

when the mask falls of a psychopath

how long does it take for a narcissist to cycle through?

i learned what it meant to be betrayed poem

healing from a psychopath

psychopath lover

the discard phase and the end of a relationship with a npd women

get narcissists out of your life

quotes on healing from betrayal

npd idealization

narcissistic woman dumped me

narcissistic people mentally ill

 my boyfriend had 3 year long parallel relationship

uncovering a narcissists lies

talk therapy for aspd

psychopath narcissist seduction

can psychopathy be fixed?

 when your partner admits to you he is a narcissist

codependent and psychopath

 the love of my life is a psycopath

relationship romantic sociopaths

narssist and the pedistool

Namaste,

Ixchel

Red Flags- Recognizing the Danger Signs BEFORE you Get Involved With a Pathological Lover


Red flags

Red flags (Photo credit: rvw)

I am writing this post in response to my recent guest writer, Sorceress of the Dark’s post  entitled, ‘Red Flags to Look For.’ (http://sorceressofthedark.wordpress.com/2011/07/14/survivor-of-a-psychopathwith-borderline-tendencies-red-flags-to-look-for/)

Unfortunately, being wooed by a person with a Cluster B type personality disorder is such a pleasurable experience that most people do not recognize the red flags during the early part of courtship.

Individuals with Cluster B type personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Anti Social Personality Disorder (ASPD),  psychopathy (Psychopathy is considered a sub set of ASPD)  turn on the charm in the beginning of the relationship because they need to hide their true selves from you.

The start of the relationship will be fast. It will feel like going from zero to sixty in mere seconds.  Suddenly, the Cluster B-type becomes the center of your life. He will fill that lonely place inside of you perfectly. You and he will declare yourselves soul mates. No one else has ever listened to you the way that he has. He will place  you on a pedestal and tell you that you are the most beautiful woman in the world. He will drop his life to be available to you at every moment. You and he will quickly rearrange your personal and  work schedules to spend hours together, either on the phone, texting, or in bed. It will feel like being a teenager and having your first love all over again.

My recent love affair with a man with traits of both ASPD & NPD was exactly like having my first love all over again because this man was my first love. I met him when I was 18. Not only was he my first love, but he was also my first husband and the father of my eldest child.

When I was 23, I left him because he was using and selling drugs. Although he had a dark and troubled side, there were many positive aspects of his personality and I felt that he and I were very close. Leaving him had been the most difficult decision of my life because I loved him deeply, but I needed to make a better life for me and my child.

Our ‘reunion’ began when he tracked me down and sent me a romantic card on what would have been our twentieth wedding anniversary. (We had not been in contact for eighteen years.)

Once I responded to his card, he  apologized profusely for his poor behavior when we were younger, and swore that he was rehabilitated and living a clean life. He told me how much  he regretted missing out on family life and promised that  he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me because I was the only woman whom he’d ever loved. As I had always missed him and fantasized that maybe he’d get his act together, his reappearance into my life and subsequent devotion was a dream come true.

As  this man was not a stranger to me, but the long-lost love of my life, our ‘new’ relationship proceeded at a breakneck speed. We began communicating with each other in February, and despite living two hours apart, we were lovers by May. The speed felt perfectly natural given our strong attraction to each other and our previous relationship. Instead of red flags which should have been apparent by the quick pace of the relationship, I saw only green lights.

Two of my oldest friends were concerned about the speed of this reunion. One, a woman,  told me that it appeared that both me and my ex had ‘extremely poor boundaries’ as we rushed back into a relationship.( Obviously, this was not what I wanted to hear as I walked on sunshine.) Another friend, a man, said to me, “Listen, if this guy was so irresponsible back when you were in your twenties, what makes you think that you can trust him now? What has he done to earn your trust and forgiveness?’

I didn’t listen to either of them. I was ‘following my heart’- that bit of nonsense which is spoon fed  into us by the ton in our culture. In order to find true love, one had to be willing to trust, forgive and take risks, right? I believed this at the time. I absolutely do not believe it now. Your life, your trust and your love are not things to take risks with. The stakes are too high.

However, I did notice a few red flags during the first few weeks of courtship. The first red flag  was a disconnect between my lover’s description of himself as a reformed, civic-minded individual with strong family values and his lack of volunteer or community service. Based on how eagerly he had described his interest in his hometown and community service with me, it did not make sense that he did not do any volunteer work on the weekends.  When I asked him about this,  he avoided the subject, or alluded to the possibility of doing volunteer work with me in the future.

The reality is that my ex husband, no longer a young man, but a man in his forties,  had learned to lie exceedingly well during our eighteen year separation. He had become a skilled and pathological liar. In addition, he had advanced in the arena of drug sales and was now connected with a wide network of individuals. He had a respectable full-time job and was able to hide his illegal activities under his public facade in order to support his own habit. So, I was right to start to wonder about how he spent his free time. He was only talking about community service to trick me, or because he had heard me say that I valued volunteerism.

Shortly after that first red flag, I spotted a second one. Again, it was related to how he spent his free time. Although he spoke a lot about his family, it quickly became apparent that he had spent very little time with his immediate family over the prior two decades. I found this particularly strange because he’d been living  in the same town as many of his family members. Since we’d started talking, he had taken a sudden interest in his family and began visiting to them. It seemed strange to me that he was ‘all of a sudden’ becoming a family man, but because this matched what he was telling me about wanting to make a fresh start in life, so I let it slide.

Another early red flag waved as I noticed what seemed to be strange relationships with his male friends. As we were spending two or more hour every night on the phone, I could hear when people came over. I could hear many of his friends, some who lived nearby, entering  his apartment without knocking. When I asked my lover about this, he became defensive and changed the subject.

When I pressed him about this and asked why his male friends just seemed to come and go with out calling first, he assured me how tired he was of them, and how he wanted to spend all his time with me and with his family. He said that he didn’t like living there anymore because his friends  bothered him with their presumption of an open door policy. So, I accepted this, but it did seem very strange behavior for men in their forties.

The reality was that my lovers ‘friends’ were all dropping by either to get high or to sell or buy drugs.

With the exception of the high-speed wooing, I did briefly notice these other early red flags. They all appeared before our ‘reunion’ became physically intimate. They did not appear to me as red flags but as slightly discordant notes in an otherwise perfect melody. I chose to either ignore these discordant notes or to accept his explanations.

I did not realize at the time what a huge mistake I was making by not listening to my instinct about something not being right in terms of the types of activities he either did or did not engage in during his free time. My intellect picked up on the disconnect between who he was selling himself to be and who he was, really.

The red flags I have mentioned in this post all occurred within the first twelve weeks of my ‘reunion’ with my ex-husband, which is before we began having sex. It is critical to pick up on these early red flags before the relationship becomes sexual. Once sex enters into a relationship, all the emotions and hormones involved tend to drive critical thinking out of the picture.

During this time, I had no idea that the ‘love of my life’ was actually a skilled and accomplished liar who had succeeded in pulling the wool over my eyes and hiding from the dark side of his life.

I do remember one red flag we first began sleeping together. We were taking a walk together on a Friday evening and I just had this overwhelming sense that this man whose hand I was holding was not connected to me in any way but was quite far away from me.  I thought that he was not my soul mate after all, but a very strange man about whom I knew little about. It had been twenty years, after all. How could I be sure that he hadn’t changed into an entirely different person?

I became paranoid and freaked out that I was actually sleeping with this man.  But soon I felt ashamed to doubt him as he was being so nice and deferential to me  during our walk. Surely I did know this man, I assured myself, he was my true love from long ago. He was the exact same boy whom I had loved when I was eighteen. There was nothing strange about him at all. And I continued to brainwash myself until I believed it. And within a couple more weekends of sleeping together, the hormonal bonding had cemented me to him so that I could only view him through rose-colored glasses for the next two years, until the surface cracks began to appear and spread.

Namaste,

Ixchel

Healing is Possible Even if You Still Love the Narcissist…


Lilies

Lilies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

While writing my last post, Love Does Not Die Even When it Should, I realized that part of me will always love my ex husband, a narcissist with Anti Social Personality Disorder. Finally, I understand that I do not need to ‘get to the bottom’ of my love for him, nor do I need to eradicate that love.

I met him when I was  eighteen, and our history has created a considerable volume of my personal narrative.  I can just agree to leave the love alone. I can accept the love without feeling threatened by it, and move on. Perhaps the part of me that ‘loves’ him originated in my young girl’s heart and  that love is frozen in a childlike state where it can  discern no evil but only good in the object of its affection.

Whatever the reason, I forgive my child self for loving him, I forgive my woman self for loving him. I don’t need to understand, psychoanalyze or eliminate this love in order to be done with him.

In fact, I’ve spent most of my adult life being done with him. Both times that he revealed himself as a selfish, narcissistic sociopath, I escaped. Once, with a young child in arms, and then again, eighteen months ago.

He has been a trap in my life. I have needed to escape him twice in order to survive and live a healthy life. Although the second time around, he passively aggressively ended the relationship by taking up with another woman, I salvaged my self-respect by making a clean break with him.

I could have hung around and gone in for a third round.  He made it clear to me in our last phone call  that he still loved me, and dangled the possibility of further or future entanglement . I could have  tried to ‘get him back’.

Instead, I broke the connection. I drew my line in the sand. Lucky for me, we live a couple of hours apart. I haven’t gone within seventy miles of him since the ending. I changed my cell phone number and my email address.

I guess what I am saying here is that while we cannot control our feelings all the time,  we can control our actions.

I am proud of myself for getting away from him and his narcissistic games and sociopathic mindset. I did the right thing at a very young age (22) to determine that I would not raise a child in his toxic environment and leave.

Yes, he came back and tricked me twenty years later. But, when I found out that he was tricking me, I packed up and left again.

I can promise myself that no matter what residue of feeling I have left for this man, I will not let him into my life a third time to mess me up again.

Namaste,

Ixchel

Being Devalued in a Pathological Relationship


The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde po...

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde poster. Converted losslessly from .tif to .png by uploader. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you have been in a relationship with a pathological individual, then you may recognize the three distinct phases of idealization, devaluation and discarding.

Twice, I have been involved with  my ex husband who has Narcissistic and Anti Social Personality disorders. The first time was when we were young adults. The second time was twenty years later. Both times, he ran my heart  through the wringer of all three phases.

During the first phase of idealization, your lover will shower  you with more attention, gifts and flattery than you ever believed possible. He will place you on an altar and worship you night and day. It will feel as if all your dreams have come true. He will convince you that he is your soul mate. You will be filled  happiness and joy by his adoration.

Conversely, during the phase of discarding, you will feel as if your lover has dumped you into the trash. Perhaps he has already replaced you with another lover before ‘getting rid’ of you. If so, then he was ‘trying out’ the new lover before ending it with you. (He needed to make sure in advance that the new woman would  ‘work out’ for him.)  After having been discarded you will eventually come to realize that none of what happened during the idealization phase was real. This realization is incredibly painful and difficult to recover from.

Today, I would like to discuss the middle phase, devaluing. In my most recent involvement with my ex husband, the devaluing phase was the most confusing and, after the relationship collapsed, it was the most painful of the three phases to examine retroactively. However, it was through a close examination of all three phases that I was able to recover and move on.

During the moments of his devaluation, I was so confused. All of a sudden, he would say something strange and almost insulting to me which seemed to be completely out of his character. For example, one day, he mentioned something about my clothes which made me realize that he was unhappy about how I dressed. Another day, he mentioned that I had picked out the wrong glasses because they didn’t ‘frame’ my face ‘the right way.’ This behavior on his part was entirely new. During the first eighteen to twenty months of our relationship, he’d convinced me that I was the most beautiful woman in the world. All of a sudden, he was pointing out my ‘flaws’.  I was shocked and hurt. In consequence, I became more careful of how I dressed around him and I got new glasses, which he approved of. I did not know that he was most likely comparing me in appearance to his other girlfriend.

During the devaluation phase,  your lover may begin to  flare out in a ‘narcissistic rage.’ A narcissistic rage is notable for its sudden appearance and just as sudden disappearance. For no apparent reason at all, your lover flares out in irritation at you over something trivial. I experienced my ex’s narcissistic rage one early spring morning, about seven months before our relationship ended.

We were sitting outside on a sunny day outside his house. Usually, we held hands when we sat outside, or had some type of physical contact.  Our chairs were several feet apart and I went to move mine closer to his and he reared back in disgust, pulling his chair further away,  and roared at me, “I’m RIGHT HERE!”

I was completely shocked. It was a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde moment, which is a classic description for the onset of narcissistic rage. One moment, your lover is calm and gentle and the next he is flipping out and then it’s over in a moment and he is back to himself.

After the breakup, I combed through all these moment of being devalued. It was traumatic to look back at them and to remember how I felt. When these moments were happening, I felt as if the ground beneath me were splitting open and there was suddenly no safe place to stand. I could not make sense of his behavior, or his rage. I could sense that something in him had changed, but I didn’t know what or why. And then he’d be back to his charismatic, friendly self and so I’d gloss over the moments of being devalued. As most of the time he was not in a narcissistic rage, I began to discount those moments as not being real. However, I was wrong. The narcissistic rage represented the crack in his mask showing me his true self inside.

In reality, I was not spending a sunny afternoon during a weekend visit with my devoted lover. I was spending the weekend with a man who liked many aspects of being with me, including our active sex life, but who had been secretly sleeping with another woman for nearly a year and who was beginning to prefer that woman’s company to mine. The narcissistic rage, his intense and sudden irritation with me wanting to be close to him, revealed his true underlying feelings. Although he didn’t object to spending time in bed with me when I came to visit him, he was beginning to resent having to pay attention to me outside of bed.

Other incidents of devaluing occurred in the few months before we broke up, however this incident is the one that sticks out in my memory. I remember how hurt I was. I remember thinking, “What is going on? We’ve been in bed for two hours. Does he really object to holding my hand now?” My conscious mind was aware that his behavior was a serious red flag, but my emotional self shushed my mind as soon as he returned to ‘normal’ behavior.

Remembering it makes me feel warped, used and yucky. I feel very sorry for the woman who was me, being fooled and tricked by the man who had convinced her that he was her soul mate. I feel sorry for the time she wasted driving down to see him. I empathize with the time that she has spent recovering from this man’s betrayal.

I am glad that I am not that woman anymore, being used and lied to.  I applaud myself for getting out of that situation. I applaud all of you who have also rescued yourselves from similar situations.

Overall, devaluing sucks, but, if you can shut off your emotions (good luck) and let your mind see it as a red flag, it can be a good sign that it might be time to get out of a relationship that’s going downhill.

Namaste,

Ixchel