Search Term Poem 1

Forest near Rajgir, Bihar, India.

Forest near Rajgir, Bihar, India. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The following free verse ‘poem’ is a listing, in random order, of search terms that readers have used to discover this blog during the past eighteen months. I kept all of the terms identical and included all spelling errors. It’s a testament to all those who have suffered and are suffering as a result of pathological relationships.

Search Term Poem I

psychopaths brain desicion making sociopathic mentality

my man has anti social disorder

husband has antisocial personality drug

antisocial and relationship with ex

denial relationship with other woman

 “how to” “stop loving”

how to forgive someone with narcissistic personality disorder

 how to trick a narcissist

how to get closure from betrayal

an agitated man with an antisocial personality

 broken heart immune system

how do you heal for betrayal

surving a sociopath

how can a christian forgive personality disorders

never plan ahead personality

psychopath’s brain abnormalities

phoenix rising magic trick

sudden onset narcissism

antisocial personality tells me to search my soul

karma and personality disorders

healing from a narcissistic relationship

aspd and my relationship

antisocial personality disorder in relationships

quotes about narcissists on valentines day1

closure from betrayal

naricissitic never wrong in argument

psychopath seduction tricks

the never ending cycle after cheating

coming to terms with reality

pschopath mental disorder

forgiving the narcissist

 healing betrayal past relationship trauma

patron saint of relationships1

sociopathic liars and narcisstism

karma and the other woman

forgiveness is not a right

antisocial personality disorder symptoms living with a person with this diagnosis

coming to terms with reality over fantasy grief changing personality quoted

how to reason with a narcissist

a narcissist cannot have a healthy relationship

 how to get out of the sociopath relaionship

rising psychopathy

karma of betrayal

letting go of betrayal

surviving narcissism discarding stories

 argument narcissistic mother

patron saint of lost causes testimonials of healing

betrayal-he is a liar

narcissistic brain healing

jesus forgiven narcissist

 personal blogs about psychopaths

narcissist don’t waste your time

narcissist never wrong

 life after the cluster b

 lies, betrayal,honesty

when the mask falls of a psychopath

how long does it take for a narcissist to cycle through?

i learned what it meant to be betrayed poem

healing from a psychopath

psychopath lover

the discard phase and the end of a relationship with a npd women

get narcissists out of your life

quotes on healing from betrayal

npd idealization

narcissistic woman dumped me

narcissistic people mentally ill

 my boyfriend had 3 year long parallel relationship

uncovering a narcissists lies

talk therapy for aspd

psychopath narcissist seduction

can psychopathy be fixed?

 when your partner admits to you he is a narcissist

codependent and psychopath

 the love of my life is a psycopath

relationship romantic sociopaths

narssist and the pedistool



Red Flags- Recognizing the Danger Signs BEFORE you Get Involved With a Pathological Lover

Red flags

Red flags (Photo credit: rvw)

I am writing this post in response to my recent guest writer, Sorceress of the Dark’s post  entitled, ‘Red Flags to Look For.’ (

Unfortunately, being wooed by a person with a Cluster B type personality disorder is such a pleasurable experience that most people do not recognize the red flags during the early part of courtship.

Individuals with Cluster B type personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Anti Social Personality Disorder (ASPD),  psychopathy (Psychopathy is considered a sub set of ASPD)  turn on the charm in the beginning of the relationship because they need to hide their true selves from you.

The start of the relationship will be fast. It will feel like going from zero to sixty in mere seconds.  Suddenly, the Cluster B-type becomes the center of your life. He will fill that lonely place inside of you perfectly. You and he will declare yourselves soul mates. No one else has ever listened to you the way that he has. He will place  you on a pedestal and tell you that you are the most beautiful woman in the world. He will drop his life to be available to you at every moment. You and he will quickly rearrange your personal and  work schedules to spend hours together, either on the phone, texting, or in bed. It will feel like being a teenager and having your first love all over again.

My recent love affair with a man with traits of both ASPD & NPD was exactly like having my first love all over again because this man was my first love. I met him when I was 18. Not only was he my first love, but he was also my first husband and the father of my eldest child.

When I was 23, I left him because he was using and selling drugs. Although he had a dark and troubled side, there were many positive aspects of his personality and I felt that he and I were very close. Leaving him had been the most difficult decision of my life because I loved him deeply, but I needed to make a better life for me and my child.

Our ‘reunion’ began when he tracked me down and sent me a romantic card on what would have been our twentieth wedding anniversary. (We had not been in contact for eighteen years.)

Once I responded to his card, he  apologized profusely for his poor behavior when we were younger, and swore that he was rehabilitated and living a clean life. He told me how much  he regretted missing out on family life and promised that  he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me because I was the only woman whom he’d ever loved. As I had always missed him and fantasized that maybe he’d get his act together, his reappearance into my life and subsequent devotion was a dream come true.

As  this man was not a stranger to me, but the long-lost love of my life, our ‘new’ relationship proceeded at a breakneck speed. We began communicating with each other in February, and despite living two hours apart, we were lovers by May. The speed felt perfectly natural given our strong attraction to each other and our previous relationship. Instead of red flags which should have been apparent by the quick pace of the relationship, I saw only green lights.

Two of my oldest friends were concerned about the speed of this reunion. One, a woman,  told me that it appeared that both me and my ex had ‘extremely poor boundaries’ as we rushed back into a relationship.( Obviously, this was not what I wanted to hear as I walked on sunshine.) Another friend, a man, said to me, “Listen, if this guy was so irresponsible back when you were in your twenties, what makes you think that you can trust him now? What has he done to earn your trust and forgiveness?’

I didn’t listen to either of them. I was ‘following my heart’- that bit of nonsense which is spoon fed  into us by the ton in our culture. In order to find true love, one had to be willing to trust, forgive and take risks, right? I believed this at the time. I absolutely do not believe it now. Your life, your trust and your love are not things to take risks with. The stakes are too high.

However, I did notice a few red flags during the first few weeks of courtship. The first red flag  was a disconnect between my lover’s description of himself as a reformed, civic-minded individual with strong family values and his lack of volunteer or community service. Based on how eagerly he had described his interest in his hometown and community service with me, it did not make sense that he did not do any volunteer work on the weekends.  When I asked him about this,  he avoided the subject, or alluded to the possibility of doing volunteer work with me in the future.

The reality is that my ex husband, no longer a young man, but a man in his forties,  had learned to lie exceedingly well during our eighteen year separation. He had become a skilled and pathological liar. In addition, he had advanced in the arena of drug sales and was now connected with a wide network of individuals. He had a respectable full-time job and was able to hide his illegal activities under his public facade in order to support his own habit. So, I was right to start to wonder about how he spent his free time. He was only talking about community service to trick me, or because he had heard me say that I valued volunteerism.

Shortly after that first red flag, I spotted a second one. Again, it was related to how he spent his free time. Although he spoke a lot about his family, it quickly became apparent that he had spent very little time with his immediate family over the prior two decades. I found this particularly strange because he’d been living  in the same town as many of his family members. Since we’d started talking, he had taken a sudden interest in his family and began visiting to them. It seemed strange to me that he was ‘all of a sudden’ becoming a family man, but because this matched what he was telling me about wanting to make a fresh start in life, so I let it slide.

Another early red flag waved as I noticed what seemed to be strange relationships with his male friends. As we were spending two or more hour every night on the phone, I could hear when people came over. I could hear many of his friends, some who lived nearby, entering  his apartment without knocking. When I asked my lover about this, he became defensive and changed the subject.

When I pressed him about this and asked why his male friends just seemed to come and go with out calling first, he assured me how tired he was of them, and how he wanted to spend all his time with me and with his family. He said that he didn’t like living there anymore because his friends  bothered him with their presumption of an open door policy. So, I accepted this, but it did seem very strange behavior for men in their forties.

The reality was that my lovers ‘friends’ were all dropping by either to get high or to sell or buy drugs.

With the exception of the high-speed wooing, I did briefly notice these other early red flags. They all appeared before our ‘reunion’ became physically intimate. They did not appear to me as red flags but as slightly discordant notes in an otherwise perfect melody. I chose to either ignore these discordant notes or to accept his explanations.

I did not realize at the time what a huge mistake I was making by not listening to my instinct about something not being right in terms of the types of activities he either did or did not engage in during his free time. My intellect picked up on the disconnect between who he was selling himself to be and who he was, really.

The red flags I have mentioned in this post all occurred within the first twelve weeks of my ‘reunion’ with my ex-husband, which is before we began having sex. It is critical to pick up on these early red flags before the relationship becomes sexual. Once sex enters into a relationship, all the emotions and hormones involved tend to drive critical thinking out of the picture.

During this time, I had no idea that the ‘love of my life’ was actually a skilled and accomplished liar who had succeeded in pulling the wool over my eyes and hiding from the dark side of his life.

I do remember one red flag we first began sleeping together. We were taking a walk together on a Friday evening and I just had this overwhelming sense that this man whose hand I was holding was not connected to me in any way but was quite far away from me.  I thought that he was not my soul mate after all, but a very strange man about whom I knew little about. It had been twenty years, after all. How could I be sure that he hadn’t changed into an entirely different person?

I became paranoid and freaked out that I was actually sleeping with this man.  But soon I felt ashamed to doubt him as he was being so nice and deferential to me  during our walk. Surely I did know this man, I assured myself, he was my true love from long ago. He was the exact same boy whom I had loved when I was eighteen. There was nothing strange about him at all. And I continued to brainwash myself until I believed it. And within a couple more weekends of sleeping together, the hormonal bonding had cemented me to him so that I could only view him through rose-colored glasses for the next two years, until the surface cracks began to appear and spread.



Healing is Possible Even if You Still Love the Narcissist…


Lilies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

While writing my last post, Love Does Not Die Even When it Should, I realized that part of me will always love my ex husband, a narcissist with Anti Social Personality Disorder. Finally, I understand that I do not need to ‘get to the bottom’ of my love for him, nor do I need to eradicate that love.

I met him when I was  eighteen, and our history has created a considerable volume of my personal narrative.  I can just agree to leave the love alone. I can accept the love without feeling threatened by it, and move on. Perhaps the part of me that ‘loves’ him originated in my young girl’s heart and  that love is frozen in a childlike state where it can  discern no evil but only good in the object of its affection.

Whatever the reason, I forgive my child self for loving him, I forgive my woman self for loving him. I don’t need to understand, psychoanalyze or eliminate this love in order to be done with him.

In fact, I’ve spent most of my adult life being done with him. Both times that he revealed himself as a selfish, narcissistic sociopath, I escaped. Once, with a young child in arms, and then again, eighteen months ago.

He has been a trap in my life. I have needed to escape him twice in order to survive and live a healthy life. Although the second time around, he passively aggressively ended the relationship by taking up with another woman, I salvaged my self-respect by making a clean break with him.

I could have hung around and gone in for a third round.  He made it clear to me in our last phone call  that he still loved me, and dangled the possibility of further or future entanglement . I could have  tried to ‘get him back’.

Instead, I broke the connection. I drew my line in the sand. Lucky for me, we live a couple of hours apart. I haven’t gone within seventy miles of him since the ending. I changed my cell phone number and my email address.

I guess what I am saying here is that while we cannot control our feelings all the time,  we can control our actions.

I am proud of myself for getting away from him and his narcissistic games and sociopathic mindset. I did the right thing at a very young age (22) to determine that I would not raise a child in his toxic environment and leave.

Yes, he came back and tricked me twenty years later. But, when I found out that he was tricking me, I packed up and left again.

I can promise myself that no matter what residue of feeling I have left for this man, I will not let him into my life a third time to mess me up again.



Being Devalued in a Pathological Relationship

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde po...

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde poster. Converted losslessly from .tif to .png by uploader. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you have been in a relationship with a pathological individual, then you may recognize the three distinct phases of idealization, devaluation and discarding.

Twice, I have been involved with  my ex husband who has Narcissistic and Anti Social Personality disorders. The first time was when we were young adults. The second time was twenty years later. Both times, he ran my heart  through the wringer of all three phases.

During the first phase of idealization, your lover will shower  you with more attention, gifts and flattery than you ever believed possible. He will place you on an altar and worship you night and day. It will feel as if all your dreams have come true. He will convince you that he is your soul mate. You will be filled  happiness and joy by his adoration.

Conversely, during the phase of discarding, you will feel as if your lover has dumped you into the trash. Perhaps he has already replaced you with another lover before ‘getting rid’ of you. If so, then he was ‘trying out’ the new lover before ending it with you. (He needed to make sure in advance that the new woman would  ‘work out’ for him.)  After having been discarded you will eventually come to realize that none of what happened during the idealization phase was real. This realization is incredibly painful and difficult to recover from.

Today, I would like to discuss the middle phase, devaluing. In my most recent involvement with my ex husband, the devaluing phase was the most confusing and, after the relationship collapsed, it was the most painful of the three phases to examine retroactively. However, it was through a close examination of all three phases that I was able to recover and move on.

During the moments of his devaluation, I was so confused. All of a sudden, he would say something strange and almost insulting to me which seemed to be completely out of his character. For example, one day, he mentioned something about my clothes which made me realize that he was unhappy about how I dressed. Another day, he mentioned that I had picked out the wrong glasses because they didn’t ‘frame’ my face ‘the right way.’ This behavior on his part was entirely new. During the first eighteen to twenty months of our relationship, he’d convinced me that I was the most beautiful woman in the world. All of a sudden, he was pointing out my ‘flaws’.  I was shocked and hurt. In consequence, I became more careful of how I dressed around him and I got new glasses, which he approved of. I did not know that he was most likely comparing me in appearance to his other girlfriend.

During the devaluation phase,  your lover may begin to  flare out in a ‘narcissistic rage.’ A narcissistic rage is notable for its sudden appearance and just as sudden disappearance. For no apparent reason at all, your lover flares out in irritation at you over something trivial. I experienced my ex’s narcissistic rage one early spring morning, about seven months before our relationship ended.

We were sitting outside on a sunny day outside his house. Usually, we held hands when we sat outside, or had some type of physical contact.  Our chairs were several feet apart and I went to move mine closer to his and he reared back in disgust, pulling his chair further away,  and roared at me, “I’m RIGHT HERE!”

I was completely shocked. It was a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde moment, which is a classic description for the onset of narcissistic rage. One moment, your lover is calm and gentle and the next he is flipping out and then it’s over in a moment and he is back to himself.

After the breakup, I combed through all these moment of being devalued. It was traumatic to look back at them and to remember how I felt. When these moments were happening, I felt as if the ground beneath me were splitting open and there was suddenly no safe place to stand. I could not make sense of his behavior, or his rage. I could sense that something in him had changed, but I didn’t know what or why. And then he’d be back to his charismatic, friendly self and so I’d gloss over the moments of being devalued. As most of the time he was not in a narcissistic rage, I began to discount those moments as not being real. However, I was wrong. The narcissistic rage represented the crack in his mask showing me his true self inside.

In reality, I was not spending a sunny afternoon during a weekend visit with my devoted lover. I was spending the weekend with a man who liked many aspects of being with me, including our active sex life, but who had been secretly sleeping with another woman for nearly a year and who was beginning to prefer that woman’s company to mine. The narcissistic rage, his intense and sudden irritation with me wanting to be close to him, revealed his true underlying feelings. Although he didn’t object to spending time in bed with me when I came to visit him, he was beginning to resent having to pay attention to me outside of bed.

Other incidents of devaluing occurred in the few months before we broke up, however this incident is the one that sticks out in my memory. I remember how hurt I was. I remember thinking, “What is going on? We’ve been in bed for two hours. Does he really object to holding my hand now?” My conscious mind was aware that his behavior was a serious red flag, but my emotional self shushed my mind as soon as he returned to ‘normal’ behavior.

Remembering it makes me feel warped, used and yucky. I feel very sorry for the woman who was me, being fooled and tricked by the man who had convinced her that he was her soul mate. I feel sorry for the time she wasted driving down to see him. I empathize with the time that she has spent recovering from this man’s betrayal.

I am glad that I am not that woman anymore, being used and lied to.  I applaud myself for getting out of that situation. I applaud all of you who have also rescued yourselves from similar situations.

Overall, devaluing sucks, but, if you can shut off your emotions (good luck) and let your mind see it as a red flag, it can be a good sign that it might be time to get out of a relationship that’s going downhill.



Can a Narcissist Do the Idealization Thing Twice?

WordPress has a cool feature. When I look at my daily site stats, I can see what search terms readers used to find this site.

Yesterday, a reader typed ‘Can a Narcissist do the Idealization thing twice?’ into the search bar and wound up at Phoenix Rising.

What a wonderful question. Can a narcissist do the idealization thing twice?

What have others experienced?

Speaking from my experience with a narcissistic lover who also has Anti Social Personality disorder, the answer is yes. The narcissist can run you through the idealization, devalue and discard cycle twice.

The narcissist in my life ran me through this cycle (like a load of laundry) twice. The first time was when we met. We were were teenagers. Not surprisingly, he discarded me when I was pregnant and the fun had turned into responsibility. This first cycle of idealize/devalue/discard eighteen months.

When he came back into my life twenty years later, he went through the same moves.  First, just like he had when we were younger, he idealized me and put me on a pedestal with flowers, poetry, presents and constant attention. This stage lasted about ten months. Next, he devalued me and began sleeping with another woman. During this devaluing stage, all the presents began to dwindle and he began to make devaluing comments about my appearance and wardrobe. This stage lasted about sixteen months.

I believe that he kept me in the devaluing stage longer this time around because he was enjoying having two girlfriends at once, which  was a novelty for him.

Finally, he discarded me once he’d decided that he preferred the other woman. And the discard was sudden. I ended the relationship when I found out about her, but during

한국어: 유럽향 드럼세탁기 (모델명_F1047TD)

Image via Wikipedia

the last couple months, his behavior had been extremely cold, as if he was trying to force me to end it to save him the trouble.

Others who may have experienced being idealized/devalued/discarded by a narcissistic lover more than once, please share your stories.



Mr. Congeniality~ The Narcissist

This is a scan showing a double perf black and...

Image via Wikipedia

While sorting through video files on my computer this morning, I came across some footage of my narcissistic ex lover.

I was surprised; I hadn’t realized that any video of him remained. Yet, there are several shorts of mundane moments in which I am filming and he and I are talking in the background.

Some of these were filmed one year before our relationship ended (when I discovered his ‘other’ life) and others are from seven months before the finale.

Hearing his  voice shocked me. It is so completely congenial, warm, friendly, chatty. We are engaged in conversation, making shared observations, cracking little jokes, making each other laugh. We laugh quite often in the ten minutes of combined video. We are silly and intimate.

Listening to our snatches of conversation, I thought, “No wonder I was fooled! We sound like we are in love.”

Indeed, we sound like a couple who enjoys each others’ company and conversation. No trace of tension or conflict between us. Anyone who listened to our voices would think that we were highly compatible.

Watching and listening to these shorts, it is challenging to grasp that he was sleeping with another woman.

I wonder- did he ever call her or text her during the weekends while I was visiting him? Perhaps when I was upstairs watching tv and he was downstairs making dinner, did he go to the back of the kitchen and sneak a phone call to her? After I figured out his deception, I realized that on several weekend afternoons, he would cal me on the phone as soon as he arrived home from being with her. Conversely, I wonder, did he also call her up, or drop by her house, within the same hour after I was back on the highway, heading home?

Although I was concerned that listening to his voice might upset me, it turned out to be a helpful experience. I can see, hear and understand why I trusted him, why I believed him when he told me that I’d always been the love of his life, and why I had absolutely no clue that he was sleeping with another woman.

It’s hard to believe that someone could be so narcissistic as to carry off an entire weekend of deception like that. However, he didn’t deceive me for only one weekend, but for two dozen or more. Eighteen months of pretending. Not just to me but to his family and my family, and to our adult child.

At the end of the relationship, he admitted to having used me as a pawn to further his own relationship with our child. I do not know at what point my role as pawn began. I believe that it was somewhere during the first year of our reunion Somewhere along the line, Mr. Congeniality, the narcissist, started up a new relationship and decided that it was better and easier for him to string me along than to be truthful and risk upsetting the apple cart full of relatives, including his own adult child.

I don’t know how he lived with himself, during the eighteen months of deception. How did he manage to keep his poker face through all those weekends of deception?

Pathological lying comes easily to persons with Narcissistic Personality disorder. They are also charming and superficially glib. Narcissists make great conversationalists and crave excitement. I guess it must have been quite exciting for him to be the center of attention for two women at once. It must have kept his narcissistic supply full.

I listen to my/the woman’s voice on the video and I feel so much empathy for her. She does not know that she is being tricked. She believes in the sincerity of the man’s voice. She thinks that she is living in real-time, and that she is experiencing true happiness. She does not know that her partner is not with her in real-time because he is playing a game. He is playing a game with her trust, her naiveté, her affection, her emotional well-being, her time spent coming to see him and her energy. He is playing a game with her very life. The outcome of the game is that the narcissist will get what he wants, and that her life will be crushed. Her only wrong move was to trust him again.



The Reality of ‘Better Off Alone

Alone on the Hill

When I discovered that my lover had a secret life, including another girlfriend he’d been hiding for eighteen months along with illegal activities, I immediately knew that the relationship had to end.

However, although Icould not forgive him for his deception, I also  wanted desperately to give him a chance to explain himself and make it all better. I wanted him to say to me,”She was nothing to me, you have always been the love of my life, ” and then, to swear to me that he would get the rest of his life cleaned up. (For me of course, for dumb, naive me.)

First, I sent him an email confronting him with what I’d found out, and he did not respond. Next, I called him on the phone. He did not pick up. I wrote him a couple of letters- stupid, long dramatic essays pleading with him to, in the tone of one of ‘our’ songs: ‘Remember what we’ve said, and done, and felt about each other, Oh Babe, have Mercy.” (Suite Judy Blue Eyes by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young.)

But I did not hear from him for over a month because in reality, he’d discarded me. His new woman had taken my place, and, he explained when we finally talked, he’d been wanting to break up with me for some time, . So it turned out that my discovery had been a convenient way for him to avoid dealing with ending the relationship with me.

Over time, through therapy, through writing, I had to admit that I was better off without him. I don’t want to be around the type of activities he is involved with.  During our last phone conversation, he said something like, “Well, listen, I’m never going to stop doing (illegal activity) and that would never have been OK with you.” It was like he was offering this explanation for the real reason that he’d started up a new relationship; for various reasons, she is a woman from whom it was easy for him to hide his secrets.

Of course it would have been better for me all around if he’d never showed again after an absence of eighteen years.  He turned back up in 2007  like the proverbial bad penny. (I’m sure that my departed mother, who always despised him, was rolling in her grave.)

The reality of being better off alone is that I’m lonely and bitter. I want to feel that there’s some reason for what happened and that I’m going to grow stronger from it, but frankly, I’m mostly miserable. Maybe he bewitched me with his narcissistic tricks  when we were teenagers and that is what stuck inside me, all those years, as what love really was.

To be truthful, I missed him all those years. No other man ever pleased me. They either bored me, or irritated me, or both, because they weren’t him. So then he came back with all his narcissistic web spinning wondrous words and wooed me to the top of the world and then lost interest in me and let me fall, with no safety net.

I fell and I fell and I fell. I’m on the ground now, finally. I don’t know when I landed. It’s been eighteen months since the day my life split into two and I found out about his other life. I’m dizzy, bruised and confused. Who did I used to be back in 2007? What happened to that woman?

Before I found out about his other life, I was a sexy, beautiful, loved, wanted woman. I was full of life and was living a fairy tale reunion with the long-lost love of my life. People were jealous of me! Of us! Isn’t that bizarre?

Today, I feel old, fat, tired, middle-aged. I can’t see how anyone would desire me. I have no interest in sex.

I think I wouldn’t feel so awful if I hadn’t been sick so much during the past eighteen months. The past two winters have been hell, health-wise. Right after discovering his betrayal, I began several months of upper respiratory illness highlighted by the onset of asthma, which I’d never had before. This past winter I’ve been ravaged by what has turned into chronic sinus infections. I haven’t felt ‘good’ and energetic since mid November.  And yes, I do blame my fall from the top of the world for all this illness. I have never been sick like this before in my life. This is not who I am. Before he came back into my life I was walking at least two miles a day. I have not walked all winter long. I am worn out. I am completely out of shape.

I know this is a hump that I have to get over  and I am trying as hard as I can. I am inspired by everyone who has also successfully crossed over this hump and moved into the rest their lives.