The Heart Grieves Slowly


Heart-shaped cloud

Heart-shaped cloud (Photo credit: aivas14)

My heart still grieves for him, despite all my intellectual knowledge about Anti Social Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, his pathological lying, his cheating.

It seems I have spent the past year and a half embroiled in a debate between my heart and my mind. My mind has had the upper hand on the debate for many months now. My memories of the bad far outweigh those of the good. Intellectually, I realize that all the good was an illusion.

Yet, still, my heart grieves. My heart, it seems, is a stupid organ which remembers smells, feelings, sensations, a certain song, the smell of ocean on a fall day, the pressure of his hand taking mine, an island, a drawbridge, his eyes, his laugh, and wants to turn these memories into proof that he was the love of my life.

My mind combats sensations with facts. Part of what we do as survivors of pathological relationships is to repeat our facts daily, like our Apostles Creed. We are praying our rosary, the repetition of our prayers of emotional survival,

self-respect and reason to drone out the feelings of love.

Is there anyone else out there, another survivor of a pathological relationship who cannot let go of the feeling that despite all that happened, that he was the only one I ever loved?

Damn the heart. It has proved a useless and delusional organ in my body.

Namaste,

Ixchel

Search Term Poem 1


Forest near Rajgir, Bihar, India.

Forest near Rajgir, Bihar, India. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The following free verse ‘poem’ is a listing, in random order, of search terms that readers have used to discover this blog during the past eighteen months. I kept all of the terms identical and included all spelling errors. It’s a testament to all those who have suffered and are suffering as a result of pathological relationships.

Search Term Poem I

psychopaths brain desicion making sociopathic mentality

my man has anti social disorder

husband has antisocial personality drug

antisocial and relationship with ex

denial relationship with other woman

 “how to” “stop loving”

how to forgive someone with narcissistic personality disorder

 how to trick a narcissist

how to get closure from betrayal

an agitated man with an antisocial personality

 broken heart immune system

how do you heal for betrayal

surving a sociopath

how can a christian forgive personality disorders

never plan ahead personality

psychopath’s brain abnormalities

phoenix rising magic trick

sudden onset narcissism

antisocial personality tells me to search my soul

karma and personality disorders

healing from a narcissistic relationship

aspd and my relationship

antisocial personality disorder in relationships

quotes about narcissists on valentines day1

closure from betrayal

naricissitic never wrong in argument

psychopath seduction tricks

the never ending cycle after cheating

coming to terms with reality

pschopath mental disorder

forgiving the narcissist

 healing betrayal past relationship trauma

patron saint of relationships1

sociopathic liars and narcisstism

karma and the other woman

forgiveness is not a right

antisocial personality disorder symptoms living with a person with this diagnosis

coming to terms with reality over fantasy grief changing personality quoted

how to reason with a narcissist

a narcissist cannot have a healthy relationship

 how to get out of the sociopath relaionship

rising psychopathy

karma of betrayal

letting go of betrayal

surviving narcissism discarding stories

 argument narcissistic mother

patron saint of lost causes testimonials of healing

betrayal-he is a liar

narcissistic brain healing

jesus forgiven narcissist

 personal blogs about psychopaths

narcissist don’t waste your time

narcissist never wrong

 life after the cluster b

 lies, betrayal,honesty

when the mask falls of a psychopath

how long does it take for a narcissist to cycle through?

i learned what it meant to be betrayed poem

healing from a psychopath

psychopath lover

the discard phase and the end of a relationship with a npd women

get narcissists out of your life

quotes on healing from betrayal

npd idealization

narcissistic woman dumped me

narcissistic people mentally ill

 my boyfriend had 3 year long parallel relationship

uncovering a narcissists lies

talk therapy for aspd

psychopath narcissist seduction

can psychopathy be fixed?

 when your partner admits to you he is a narcissist

codependent and psychopath

 the love of my life is a psycopath

relationship romantic sociopaths

narssist and the pedistool

Namaste,

Ixchel

Rebounding From a Relationship with a Pathological Lover


Recovering, or trying to recover, from a relationship with a narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, person with Anti Social Personality Disorder (ASPD) or other Cluster B type personality disorder? Whether or not one is able to rebound and recover after a relationship with a pathological person depends upon the following criteria:

1) The duration of the relationship
2) What the victim suffered during the relationship
3) Whether there was physical, emotional, verbal and/or sexual abuse
4) The diagnosis of the predator (ie: how crazy/fucked up he or she is/was)
5) What the victim lost as a result of the relationship
6) Whether there were court proceedings involved
7) Whether there were minor children involved
8) The financial assets of the victim
9) Support, or lack thereof, for the victim from family and friends
10) Emotional state of the victim
11) Whether or not the victim suffers from mental illness, physical disability
12) The victims history- does he or she come from a traumatic or emotinally stable background
13) The basic temperament of the victim

Are there more criteria which I have left out? Please post your comments.

The Damage Done by a Pathological Lover


What have you lost as a result of your relationship with a pathological liar, with  a person with Narcissistic Personality disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Psychopathy, Sociopathy or any other Cluster B type personality disorder?

Have you lost your house, your savings, your sanity? Have you lost your friends, your family members, custody of your children?

Have you lost your innocence, your hope, your dreams?

I have lost my faith in life that things will ‘work out.’ I have lost my belief in love between a man and a woman. I have lost my belief in ‘soul mates.’ I have lost belief in my self and in my ability to make the right decisions for myself.

I have lost precious time. I have lost money.

The worst things which I have lost are my once incredibly vivacious outlook on life and my health. The shock from discovering  that my lover was cheating on men and selling drugs sent me reeling into a six months illness from which I still have not recovered my strength.

I no longer believe ‘that which does not kill you makes you stronger.’

What have you lost?

Namaste,

Ixchel

 

It Gets Better


Ixchel - the Mayan Goddess of rainbows, water,...

Ixchel - the Mayan Goddess of rainbows, water, fertility, abundance, the moon, love, and medicine (Photo credit: The Shifted Librarian)

Hang in there, broken-hearted victims of relationships with Cluster B types. Have you been dumped by a narcissist? Devalued by a lover with Anti Social Personality Disorder?

Hang in there because it gets better.

It takes a long time. And you’ll need support from family, friends and/or a trained therapist to get through the pain. You’ll need to allow yourself to grieve and not rush the process. You’ll benefit from reading blogs, books and articles written by others who have survived similar experiences.

Finally, one day in the future, maybe in one year, or maybe in two or three, you will have a day where you don’t think about him or what happened during every waking minute.

One day, instead of missing the ‘good’ side of him, all you will be able to remember is his bad side and wonder why you ever stayed so long.

You will not invalidate your feelings for him but you will accept that even if he is the true love of your life, that he is too damaged to be the honest and faithful lover that you need him to be, and that he will never change.

And eventually, after much time and heartache and grieving and healing, you will be able to absorb the lessons which you have learned from this painful experience and move on.

Namaste,

Ixchel

What if Your Soul Mate has ASPD (Anti Social Personality Disorder)?


True Love Couple

True Love Couple (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You’d be surprised how many people arrive at my blog after doing a search for ‘What if My Soul Mate has ASPD?’

Well, if your soul mate has ASPD, then I’m very sorry for you. If you are going to stay in the relationship, then, most likely, you are in for a lifetime of misery.

I can speak as an authority on this topic. If there was one thing my ex and I claimed to be, it was soul mates. The soul mate theme was ours, even during a two decade separation.

The trouble is that he went out and found another soul mate, one whom he could hide his dealing and drug use from, as he could no longer hide it from me.

A wonderful thing happened to me in the reeling aftermath from discovering his betrayal. I happened upon an incredibly skilled therapist. I stumbled into her office less than forty-eight  hours of my heart being blown up by the  grenade of his deceit, and exclaimed, “But he’s my soul mate!” asI poured out our life story to her.

She responded in the best way possible. “Well, he might be your soul mate, but he’s really screwed up.”

So, if your soul mate has ASPD, then you need to make some hard choices. He (or she) is not going to change.  Chances are he is involved with illegal activities and is an alcoholic and/or drug addict. Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet. There is no fairy spell to break the curse of your beloved’s brain being fucked up and him not being able to EVER take responsibilities for his actions or for the pain he has caused and will cause you.

If you think that your lover has ASPD, then you need to see a professional and talk about what’s going on in your life. There is not a good prognosis for having a relationship with a person with ASPD or any other Cluster B type personality disorder.

Believe me, I wish there were.

I don’t believe so much in soul mates anymore.

If the hell I went through was ‘true love‘, then surely, you can keep it.

Namaste,

Ixchel

Red Flags- Recognizing the Danger Signs BEFORE you Get Involved With a Pathological Lover


Red flags

Red flags (Photo credit: rvw)

I am writing this post in response to my recent guest writer, Sorceress of the Dark’s post  entitled, ‘Red Flags to Look For.’ (http://sorceressofthedark.wordpress.com/2011/07/14/survivor-of-a-psychopathwith-borderline-tendencies-red-flags-to-look-for/)

Unfortunately, being wooed by a person with a Cluster B type personality disorder is such a pleasurable experience that most people do not recognize the red flags during the early part of courtship.

Individuals with Cluster B type personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Anti Social Personality Disorder (ASPD),  psychopathy (Psychopathy is considered a sub set of ASPD)  turn on the charm in the beginning of the relationship because they need to hide their true selves from you.

The start of the relationship will be fast. It will feel like going from zero to sixty in mere seconds.  Suddenly, the Cluster B-type becomes the center of your life. He will fill that lonely place inside of you perfectly. You and he will declare yourselves soul mates. No one else has ever listened to you the way that he has. He will place  you on a pedestal and tell you that you are the most beautiful woman in the world. He will drop his life to be available to you at every moment. You and he will quickly rearrange your personal and  work schedules to spend hours together, either on the phone, texting, or in bed. It will feel like being a teenager and having your first love all over again.

My recent love affair with a man with traits of both ASPD & NPD was exactly like having my first love all over again because this man was my first love. I met him when I was 18. Not only was he my first love, but he was also my first husband and the father of my eldest child.

When I was 23, I left him because he was using and selling drugs. Although he had a dark and troubled side, there were many positive aspects of his personality and I felt that he and I were very close. Leaving him had been the most difficult decision of my life because I loved him deeply, but I needed to make a better life for me and my child.

Our ‘reunion’ began when he tracked me down and sent me a romantic card on what would have been our twentieth wedding anniversary. (We had not been in contact for eighteen years.)

Once I responded to his card, he  apologized profusely for his poor behavior when we were younger, and swore that he was rehabilitated and living a clean life. He told me how much  he regretted missing out on family life and promised that  he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me because I was the only woman whom he’d ever loved. As I had always missed him and fantasized that maybe he’d get his act together, his reappearance into my life and subsequent devotion was a dream come true.

As  this man was not a stranger to me, but the long-lost love of my life, our ‘new’ relationship proceeded at a breakneck speed. We began communicating with each other in February, and despite living two hours apart, we were lovers by May. The speed felt perfectly natural given our strong attraction to each other and our previous relationship. Instead of red flags which should have been apparent by the quick pace of the relationship, I saw only green lights.

Two of my oldest friends were concerned about the speed of this reunion. One, a woman,  told me that it appeared that both me and my ex had ‘extremely poor boundaries’ as we rushed back into a relationship.( Obviously, this was not what I wanted to hear as I walked on sunshine.) Another friend, a man, said to me, “Listen, if this guy was so irresponsible back when you were in your twenties, what makes you think that you can trust him now? What has he done to earn your trust and forgiveness?’

I didn’t listen to either of them. I was ‘following my heart’- that bit of nonsense which is spoon fed  into us by the ton in our culture. In order to find true love, one had to be willing to trust, forgive and take risks, right? I believed this at the time. I absolutely do not believe it now. Your life, your trust and your love are not things to take risks with. The stakes are too high.

However, I did notice a few red flags during the first few weeks of courtship. The first red flag  was a disconnect between my lover’s description of himself as a reformed, civic-minded individual with strong family values and his lack of volunteer or community service. Based on how eagerly he had described his interest in his hometown and community service with me, it did not make sense that he did not do any volunteer work on the weekends.  When I asked him about this,  he avoided the subject, or alluded to the possibility of doing volunteer work with me in the future.

The reality is that my ex husband, no longer a young man, but a man in his forties,  had learned to lie exceedingly well during our eighteen year separation. He had become a skilled and pathological liar. In addition, he had advanced in the arena of drug sales and was now connected with a wide network of individuals. He had a respectable full-time job and was able to hide his illegal activities under his public facade in order to support his own habit. So, I was right to start to wonder about how he spent his free time. He was only talking about community service to trick me, or because he had heard me say that I valued volunteerism.

Shortly after that first red flag, I spotted a second one. Again, it was related to how he spent his free time. Although he spoke a lot about his family, it quickly became apparent that he had spent very little time with his immediate family over the prior two decades. I found this particularly strange because he’d been living  in the same town as many of his family members. Since we’d started talking, he had taken a sudden interest in his family and began visiting to them. It seemed strange to me that he was ‘all of a sudden’ becoming a family man, but because this matched what he was telling me about wanting to make a fresh start in life, so I let it slide.

Another early red flag waved as I noticed what seemed to be strange relationships with his male friends. As we were spending two or more hour every night on the phone, I could hear when people came over. I could hear many of his friends, some who lived nearby, entering  his apartment without knocking. When I asked my lover about this, he became defensive and changed the subject.

When I pressed him about this and asked why his male friends just seemed to come and go with out calling first, he assured me how tired he was of them, and how he wanted to spend all his time with me and with his family. He said that he didn’t like living there anymore because his friends  bothered him with their presumption of an open door policy. So, I accepted this, but it did seem very strange behavior for men in their forties.

The reality was that my lovers ‘friends’ were all dropping by either to get high or to sell or buy drugs.

With the exception of the high-speed wooing, I did briefly notice these other early red flags. They all appeared before our ‘reunion’ became physically intimate. They did not appear to me as red flags but as slightly discordant notes in an otherwise perfect melody. I chose to either ignore these discordant notes or to accept his explanations.

I did not realize at the time what a huge mistake I was making by not listening to my instinct about something not being right in terms of the types of activities he either did or did not engage in during his free time. My intellect picked up on the disconnect between who he was selling himself to be and who he was, really.

The red flags I have mentioned in this post all occurred within the first twelve weeks of my ‘reunion’ with my ex-husband, which is before we began having sex. It is critical to pick up on these early red flags before the relationship becomes sexual. Once sex enters into a relationship, all the emotions and hormones involved tend to drive critical thinking out of the picture.

During this time, I had no idea that the ‘love of my life’ was actually a skilled and accomplished liar who had succeeded in pulling the wool over my eyes and hiding from the dark side of his life.

I do remember one red flag we first began sleeping together. We were taking a walk together on a Friday evening and I just had this overwhelming sense that this man whose hand I was holding was not connected to me in any way but was quite far away from me.  I thought that he was not my soul mate after all, but a very strange man about whom I knew little about. It had been twenty years, after all. How could I be sure that he hadn’t changed into an entirely different person?

I became paranoid and freaked out that I was actually sleeping with this man.  But soon I felt ashamed to doubt him as he was being so nice and deferential to me  during our walk. Surely I did know this man, I assured myself, he was my true love from long ago. He was the exact same boy whom I had loved when I was eighteen. There was nothing strange about him at all. And I continued to brainwash myself until I believed it. And within a couple more weekends of sleeping together, the hormonal bonding had cemented me to him so that I could only view him through rose-colored glasses for the next two years, until the surface cracks began to appear and spread.

Namaste,

Ixchel