My Mother Was Right


I haven’t written anything here for a while.

I seem to have completely ended my emotional attachment to this individual, who held my heart for twenty-five years.

I can clearly see exactly where the devaluing and discarding phases began in both phases of our relationships.

I understand that there was never anything good in him but youth, and my memories of him when he was young.

The freshness of his youth posed as purity; he has always been a pathological liar posing as a nice guy.

In short, my Mother (rest her soul) was right when she declared to me (when I was 18) in 1986: “What can you possibly see in him? He’ll never be anything but a small town druggie.”

She was right.

Anything else I ever believed that he was- was merely a delusional combination of his acting along with my imagination.

Namaste,

Ixchel

The Heart Grieves Slowly


Heart-shaped cloud

Heart-shaped cloud (Photo credit: aivas14)

My heart still grieves for him, despite all my intellectual knowledge about Anti Social Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, his pathological lying, his cheating.

It seems I have spent the past year and a half embroiled in a debate between my heart and my mind. My mind has had the upper hand on the debate for many months now. My memories of the bad far outweigh those of the good. Intellectually, I realize that all the good was an illusion.

Yet, still, my heart grieves. My heart, it seems, is a stupid organ which remembers smells, feelings, sensations, a certain song, the smell of ocean on a fall day, the pressure of his hand taking mine, an island, a drawbridge, his eyes, his laugh, and wants to turn these memories into proof that he was the love of my life.

My mind combats sensations with facts. Part of what we do as survivors of pathological relationships is to repeat our facts daily, like our Apostles Creed. We are praying our rosary, the repetition of our prayers of emotional survival,

self-respect and reason to drone out the feelings of love.

Is there anyone else out there, another survivor of a pathological relationship who cannot let go of the feeling that despite all that happened, that he was the only one I ever loved?

Damn the heart. It has proved a useless and delusional organ in my body.

Namaste,

Ixchel

Search Term Poem 1


Forest near Rajgir, Bihar, India.

Forest near Rajgir, Bihar, India. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The following free verse ‘poem’ is a listing, in random order, of search terms that readers have used to discover this blog during the past eighteen months. I kept all of the terms identical and included all spelling errors. It’s a testament to all those who have suffered and are suffering as a result of pathological relationships.

Search Term Poem I

psychopaths brain desicion making sociopathic mentality

my man has anti social disorder

husband has antisocial personality drug

antisocial and relationship with ex

denial relationship with other woman

 “how to” “stop loving”

how to forgive someone with narcissistic personality disorder

 how to trick a narcissist

how to get closure from betrayal

an agitated man with an antisocial personality

 broken heart immune system

how do you heal for betrayal

surving a sociopath

how can a christian forgive personality disorders

never plan ahead personality

psychopath’s brain abnormalities

phoenix rising magic trick

sudden onset narcissism

antisocial personality tells me to search my soul

karma and personality disorders

healing from a narcissistic relationship

aspd and my relationship

antisocial personality disorder in relationships

quotes about narcissists on valentines day1

closure from betrayal

naricissitic never wrong in argument

psychopath seduction tricks

the never ending cycle after cheating

coming to terms with reality

pschopath mental disorder

forgiving the narcissist

 healing betrayal past relationship trauma

patron saint of relationships1

sociopathic liars and narcisstism

karma and the other woman

forgiveness is not a right

antisocial personality disorder symptoms living with a person with this diagnosis

coming to terms with reality over fantasy grief changing personality quoted

how to reason with a narcissist

a narcissist cannot have a healthy relationship

 how to get out of the sociopath relaionship

rising psychopathy

karma of betrayal

letting go of betrayal

surviving narcissism discarding stories

 argument narcissistic mother

patron saint of lost causes testimonials of healing

betrayal-he is a liar

narcissistic brain healing

jesus forgiven narcissist

 personal blogs about psychopaths

narcissist don’t waste your time

narcissist never wrong

 life after the cluster b

 lies, betrayal,honesty

when the mask falls of a psychopath

how long does it take for a narcissist to cycle through?

i learned what it meant to be betrayed poem

healing from a psychopath

psychopath lover

the discard phase and the end of a relationship with a npd women

get narcissists out of your life

quotes on healing from betrayal

npd idealization

narcissistic woman dumped me

narcissistic people mentally ill

 my boyfriend had 3 year long parallel relationship

uncovering a narcissists lies

talk therapy for aspd

psychopath narcissist seduction

can psychopathy be fixed?

 when your partner admits to you he is a narcissist

codependent and psychopath

 the love of my life is a psycopath

relationship romantic sociopaths

narssist and the pedistool

Namaste,

Ixchel

Rebounding From a Relationship with a Pathological Lover


Recovering, or trying to recover, from a relationship with a narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, person with Anti Social Personality Disorder (ASPD) or other Cluster B type personality disorder? Whether or not one is able to rebound and recover after a relationship with a pathological person depends upon the following criteria:

1) The duration of the relationship
2) What the victim suffered during the relationship
3) Whether there was physical, emotional, verbal and/or sexual abuse
4) The diagnosis of the predator (ie: how crazy/fucked up he or she is/was)
5) What the victim lost as a result of the relationship
6) Whether there were court proceedings involved
7) Whether there were minor children involved
8) The financial assets of the victim
9) Support, or lack thereof, for the victim from family and friends
10) Emotional state of the victim
11) Whether or not the victim suffers from mental illness, physical disability
12) The victims history- does he or she come from a traumatic or emotinally stable background
13) The basic temperament of the victim

Are there more criteria which I have left out? Please post your comments.

The Damage Done by a Pathological Lover


What have you lost as a result of your relationship with a pathological liar, with  a person with Narcissistic Personality disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Psychopathy, Sociopathy or any other Cluster B type personality disorder?

Have you lost your house, your savings, your sanity? Have you lost your friends, your family members, custody of your children?

Have you lost your innocence, your hope, your dreams?

I have lost my faith in life that things will ‘work out.’ I have lost my belief in love between a man and a woman. I have lost my belief in ‘soul mates.’ I have lost belief in my self and in my ability to make the right decisions for myself.

I have lost precious time. I have lost money.

The worst things which I have lost are my once incredibly vivacious outlook on life and my health. The shock from discovering  that my lover was cheating on men and selling drugs sent me reeling into a six months illness from which I still have not recovered my strength.

I no longer believe ‘that which does not kill you makes you stronger.’

What have you lost?

Namaste,

Ixchel

 

The Void Behind the Narcissist’s Mask


Leather mask created by J.C. Velasquez

Leather mask created by J.C. Velasquez (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You may have read that every narcissist, psychopath and other Cluster B type individuals wear a mask to hide the emptiness of his or her true self.

Speaking from my own experience, I believe this to be true.

One of the hardest parts about separating yourself emotionally from the narcissist, sociopath or psychopath in your life is comprehending, on a deep or soul level, that he  is not the person with whom you fell in love. That persona is a fantasy mask created by the Cluster B-type individual in order to ‘catch’ you.

The next step is to understand that your lover, or former lover, purposefully played the part of the mask by supplying you with an intricate web of lies which may span years of your life. It turned out that my ex had two secret lives he was keeping from me; he had another girlfriend as well as a host of illegal activities.

Finally, and it may take months or even a year or two, you will come to realize that there is nothing to miss about the person behind the mask because everything that he is beneath his layer of lies is either devoid of any meaning, foul, disreputable, or all of the above.

Today, I celebrate reaching the end of any semblance of ‘missing’ him. When I think of him now, all I can remember are the bad parts, which were the last couple times we saw each other. He was rude to me, rude to my friends, and an overall jerk.

Instead of missing what I falsely perceived to be his good side, I am glad to be rid of him and his negative characteristic.

I can now describe him in the following terms:

Selfish, irresponsible, thoughtless, disrespectful, sexually exploitative, immature, a toady, a pathological liar, cruel, manipulative, deceitful, self-serving, shallow, cowardly, perverted, alcoholic, druggie, criminal, degenerate, unkind, loathsome, irreverent, despicable.

May you all journey closer to the point where you can see clearly into the void behind your deceiver’s mask.

Namaste,

Ixchel

It Gets Better


Ixchel - the Mayan Goddess of rainbows, water,...

Ixchel - the Mayan Goddess of rainbows, water, fertility, abundance, the moon, love, and medicine (Photo credit: The Shifted Librarian)

Hang in there, broken-hearted victims of relationships with Cluster B types. Have you been dumped by a narcissist? Devalued by a lover with Anti Social Personality Disorder?

Hang in there because it gets better.

It takes a long time. And you’ll need support from family, friends and/or a trained therapist to get through the pain. You’ll need to allow yourself to grieve and not rush the process. You’ll benefit from reading blogs, books and articles written by others who have survived similar experiences.

Finally, one day in the future, maybe in one year, or maybe in two or three, you will have a day where you don’t think about him or what happened during every waking minute.

One day, instead of missing the ‘good’ side of him, all you will be able to remember is his bad side and wonder why you ever stayed so long.

You will not invalidate your feelings for him but you will accept that even if he is the true love of your life, that he is too damaged to be the honest and faithful lover that you need him to be, and that he will never change.

And eventually, after much time and heartache and grieving and healing, you will be able to absorb the lessons which you have learned from this painful experience and move on.

Namaste,

Ixchel