If you are in a Crisis with a Narcissist…


This blog seeks to share my perspective of surviving a relationship with a narcissist. People often leave comments asking for my advice or help about negative situations they encounter with narcissists. However, I am not a medical professional. So, if you find yourself in a crisis of any sort, and especially with a narcissist, you should always seek professional help. If you are in danger, call 911 or better yet- LEAVE! (and then call 911! )

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, then you need help! You should contact a counselor or doctor immediately. If you cannot find a doctor and you are in a true mental health emergency, then ask a friend to drive you to the ER. If you don’t have a friend, then call 911 and ask for an ambulance.

If you are not experiencing a life or death crisis, you might want to try using the Crisis services provided by ‘Crisis Text Live’

If you text Crisis Text Live, and actual live counselor will text you back for FREE! And they will give you good advice about what to do to make yourself safe and feeling better.

Here is what you do:

TEXT “GO” TO 741741

For more information about Crisis Health Services, visit their website:

http://www.crisistextline.org/textline/?gclid=CPj-0-Pq580CFUIfhgodzQgIDg

Namaste & Stay Safe!

Ixchel

The Allure of the Cluster B Mindfuck


Humpty Dumpty, shown as a riddle with answer, ...

Humpty Dumpty, shown as a riddle with answer, in a 1902 Mother Goose story book by William Wallace Denslow (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Twenty months after my relationship with a man with both Narcissistic and Anti Social Personality disorders ended, I’m still trying to put reality back together again.

I feel like Humpty Dumpty after the fall. The moment that my lover’s lies began to unravel, gaining speed exponentially, I fell from my wall of delusion. Then, I spent over a year lying on the ground in a condition I can only describe as emotional paralysis. Next I staggered around, trying to make sense of what had happened to me.

In what I hope is my recovery, I keep getting tangled up in this idea of soul mates. Of course, it is the concept of soul mates which caused me to lower my guard and be taken in by the manipulative liar for the second time in my life.

He and I seemed to share such closeness which I have never shared with anyone before. Yet, it turned out to not be closeness after all; he was play acting at being my perfect mate in order to woo me and win my love. He had this way of seeming to be right inside my head. However, towards the end, when I was wondering what was going on while he was devaluing me, one thing which I noticed  was how very far away he seemed. Also, I had noticed that his mind/soul which had been initially completely open to me, had slowly closed down, making him seem more of a stranger during each of our last visits.

“How could he be the love of my life?” My brain reasons with my heart. “If he simply switched his affections from me to his new girlfriend? If he was making love to us both with the same passionate intensity?”

I lived without him for twenty years and yet, once he came back into my life, he filled me completely so that I felt never alone, and wondered how I could have existed those long years without him.

Now, all these many months into my recovery from his psychological abuse, lies, manipulation and cheating, I still find myself missing him. We live 100 miles apart and so we spent tens of thousands of minutes on the phone. We spoke constantly. Now I realize that for much of the relationship, he was inventing outings with friends which were really sexual encounters with his new girlfriend. When he called me up around dinner on Sunday evenings after an afternoon ‘watching football’, he’d actually been fucking Lisa. It is so bizarre to think about, because then he and I would ‘spend’ Sunday evenings ‘together’ on the phone. First we’d watch 60 Minutes and then Nature.

When I’d first discovered his betrayal, I assumed Lisa  knew about me. I’m not so sure anymore. Of course, she knew that he’d been dating me, but I’m guessing that during our ‘fight’ in May a couple years ago, he told her that he was finished with me. And that’s when he first went to bed with her. So when he picked it back up with me in June, he had the plan of stringing us both along. It’s amazing. Only victims of Cluster B types can understand how much time is spent in the aftermath trying to sort out all these details and figure out what actually happened, who knew what, and how much was lies and manipulation.

There are days when I feel fine. My life is picking up in exciting ways. My career is moving forward. I am trying new activities and getting back into shape. And yet, there are times when I feel so alone without him, but I am realizing that it is not him that I miss but the feeling of not being alone.

This is the allure of the Cluster B Mindfuck. The Cluster B personality enters your life and quickly establishes intimacy with you. This intimacy, which turns out to be an illusion, makes you feel like you are closer to the Cluster B person than to anyone else on the planet. You new lover ‘gets into’ your head; he knows your favorite songs, buys you jewelry with your favorite stones, praises all that is unique about you.

However, you can eventually tell that this is false intimacy when he devalues and discards you and moves on to his next victim/lover. He will use the same bag of tricks with her, producing in her the same feeling of deep connection.

“Alright”, my heart says to my brain, “If this was false intimacy, then what is real intimacy?”

The truth is, that if you have spent many years ‘in love’ with a Cluster B personality, then you may have a very hard time answering this question.

I still don’t know the answer.

Namaste,

Ixchel

Cluster B Relationship Blow Up


Grooved body of a Second World War-era U.S. Mk...

Grooved body of a Second World War-era U.S. Mk 2 grenade. The grooves covering the exterior of the grenade cause it to break into many pieces when it detonates (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Twenty months ago, I discovered that the ‘love of my life’ had been living a secret life. This discovery ended our relationship, which spanned twenty-five years, a marriage and a child.

During the following year, I was able to put the pieces of our lives together in retrospect and realize that my ex has  Narcissistic and Anti Social Personality disorders,which are both Cluster B personality disorders according to the DSM IV.
Initially, to describe my discovering that he’d been tricking me in so many devious ways,  I used the analogy of a grenade blowing up my heart.

Nearly two years later, in reviewing the experience, I think that a better analogy would be that when I discovered his cheating, drug dealing, and complete second life, it was like stepping on a grenade and having my entire body blow up and scatter into pieces.

I am still putting the pieces together. I will never be the person whom I was before he tricked me. I will never be able to trust anyone as much as I trusted him.  I will always be on my guard. But I am getting stronger.

If you are new to this, if your heart is recently broken by a Cluster B-type, then hang in there. It isn’t easy, but you can get through.

I have lived a hard life, full of challenges. I did not need him to come back into my life after an absence of twenty years. I did not need him to catch me in his web of lies. However, he did catch me and I did fall.

I will survive. All of what’s left. I may not be whole, but I can pick up the pieces of my broken being and put them back together and move forward.

Blessings to all who come here! May your sorrows be lessened with each passing moment.

Forgive yourselves; falling prey to a Cluster B is NOT your fault. They are pathological liars and predators.

Namaste,

Ixchel

My Mother Was Right


I haven’t written anything here for a while.

I seem to have completely ended my emotional attachment to this individual, who held my heart for twenty-five years.

I can clearly see exactly where the devaluing and discarding phases began in both phases of our relationships.

I understand that there was never anything good in him but youth, and my memories of him when he was young.

The freshness of his youth posed as purity; he has always been a pathological liar posing as a nice guy.

In short, my Mother (rest her soul) was right when she declared to me (when I was 18) in 1986: “What can you possibly see in him? He’ll never be anything but a small town druggie.”

She was right.

Anything else I ever believed that he was- was merely a delusional combination of his acting along with my imagination.

Namaste,

Ixchel

The Heart Grieves Slowly


Heart-shaped cloud

Heart-shaped cloud (Photo credit: aivas14)

My heart still grieves for him, despite all my intellectual knowledge about Anti Social Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, his pathological lying, his cheating.

It seems I have spent the past year and a half embroiled in a debate between my heart and my mind. My mind has had the upper hand on the debate for many months now. My memories of the bad far outweigh those of the good. Intellectually, I realize that all the good was an illusion.

Yet, still, my heart grieves. My heart, it seems, is a stupid organ which remembers smells, feelings, sensations, a certain song, the smell of ocean on a fall day, the pressure of his hand taking mine, an island, a drawbridge, his eyes, his laugh, and wants to turn these memories into proof that he was the love of my life.

My mind combats sensations with facts. Part of what we do as survivors of pathological relationships is to repeat our facts daily, like our Apostles Creed. We are praying our rosary, the repetition of our prayers of emotional survival,

self-respect and reason to drone out the feelings of love.

Is there anyone else out there, another survivor of a pathological relationship who cannot let go of the feeling that despite all that happened, that he was the only one I ever loved?

Damn the heart. It has proved a useless and delusional organ in my body.

Namaste,

Ixchel

Search Term Poem 1


Forest near Rajgir, Bihar, India.

Forest near Rajgir, Bihar, India. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The following free verse ‘poem’ is a listing, in random order, of search terms that readers have used to discover this blog during the past eighteen months. I kept all of the terms identical and included all spelling errors. It’s a testament to all those who have suffered and are suffering as a result of pathological relationships.

Search Term Poem I

psychopaths brain desicion making sociopathic mentality

my man has anti social disorder

husband has antisocial personality drug

antisocial and relationship with ex

denial relationship with other woman

 “how to” “stop loving”

how to forgive someone with narcissistic personality disorder

 how to trick a narcissist

how to get closure from betrayal

an agitated man with an antisocial personality

 broken heart immune system

how do you heal for betrayal

surving a sociopath

how can a christian forgive personality disorders

never plan ahead personality

psychopath’s brain abnormalities

phoenix rising magic trick

sudden onset narcissism

antisocial personality tells me to search my soul

karma and personality disorders

healing from a narcissistic relationship

aspd and my relationship

antisocial personality disorder in relationships

quotes about narcissists on valentines day1

closure from betrayal

naricissitic never wrong in argument

psychopath seduction tricks

the never ending cycle after cheating

coming to terms with reality

pschopath mental disorder

forgiving the narcissist

 healing betrayal past relationship trauma

patron saint of relationships1

sociopathic liars and narcisstism

karma and the other woman

forgiveness is not a right

antisocial personality disorder symptoms living with a person with this diagnosis

coming to terms with reality over fantasy grief changing personality quoted

how to reason with a narcissist

a narcissist cannot have a healthy relationship

 how to get out of the sociopath relaionship

rising psychopathy

karma of betrayal

letting go of betrayal

surviving narcissism discarding stories

 argument narcissistic mother

patron saint of lost causes testimonials of healing

betrayal-he is a liar

narcissistic brain healing

jesus forgiven narcissist

 personal blogs about psychopaths

narcissist don’t waste your time

narcissist never wrong

 life after the cluster b

 lies, betrayal,honesty

when the mask falls of a psychopath

how long does it take for a narcissist to cycle through?

i learned what it meant to be betrayed poem

healing from a psychopath

psychopath lover

the discard phase and the end of a relationship with a npd women

get narcissists out of your life

quotes on healing from betrayal

npd idealization

narcissistic woman dumped me

narcissistic people mentally ill

 my boyfriend had 3 year long parallel relationship

uncovering a narcissists lies

talk therapy for aspd

psychopath narcissist seduction

can psychopathy be fixed?

 when your partner admits to you he is a narcissist

codependent and psychopath

 the love of my life is a psycopath

relationship romantic sociopaths

narssist and the pedistool

Namaste,

Ixchel

Rebounding From a Relationship with a Pathological Lover


Recovering, or trying to recover, from a relationship with a narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, person with Anti Social Personality Disorder (ASPD) or other Cluster B type personality disorder? Whether or not one is able to rebound and recover after a relationship with a pathological person depends upon the following criteria:

1) The duration of the relationship
2) What the victim suffered during the relationship
3) Whether there was physical, emotional, verbal and/or sexual abuse
4) The diagnosis of the predator (ie: how crazy/fucked up he or she is/was)
5) What the victim lost as a result of the relationship
6) Whether there were court proceedings involved
7) Whether there were minor children involved
8) The financial assets of the victim
9) Support, or lack thereof, for the victim from family and friends
10) Emotional state of the victim
11) Whether or not the victim suffers from mental illness, physical disability
12) The victims history- does he or she come from a traumatic or emotinally stable background
13) The basic temperament of the victim

Are there more criteria which I have left out? Please post your comments.