Unraveling the myth of the person I thought I knew from the person he really is has taken a very long time and been full of so many painful steps along the way.
I think I am here, finally.
I saw a picture of him today & at first, my heart filled with pain and longing at the sight of him. There has always been something about the sight of him which moves me that way. It’s been that way for 25 years. But, while still feeling that throb in my heart, I was able to say to myself, “No, that’s not my love. That’s a man who lied to me, who ruined my life, who abandoned me and our daughter twenty years ago, who came back into my life four years ago to lie to me, deceive me, manipulate me and betray me intentionally. That’s a man who I thought loved me but who used me and hurt me.”
It has taken hundreds of thousands of moments of reasoning with myself, of weighing the facts against my broken heart, my feelings to reach this point. It has taken dozens of hours of therapy with one of the best therapists I’ve ever worked with. It’s taken literally gallons of wine, hundreds of thousands of written words, dozens of dreams, and interpretations of dreams.
I feel wrecked. The past year, the long winter, the bronchitis, the asthma, the devastation, the intense unbearable grieving. It was a struggle to get up and go to work every day but I did. I drank way too much. My body feels crippled, my brain just fried.
When people say things like well this experience will make you stronger, I cringe. No, this has not made me stronger. I will never trust anyone like that again. I will never believe in love again.
It was the only time in my entire life, this two and a half years I thought I’d been reunited with my one true long-lost love, that I’ve ever been happy, and it was all a complete lie.
How can I reconcile that within myself?
Why have I made such miserably fucked up decisions about love in this life?
I went to a palm reader in York Beach Maine, a lady who I used to walk by as a child. I’ve never been to a palm reader before. Just last week, I finally went in to see her. She told me that I’m winding up several years of particularly bad karma with men. I hope that such a simple explanation could be true.
- Sad Love (psychologytoday.com)